douglasfir

Okay firstly apologies to anyone reading this as today I will be mainly using this space to rant like a motherfucker...

Let me set the scene - you've spent your nine hours at your desk desperately trying to block out the continual drone of your work colleagues whilst you carry out your own menial job (one of the many benefits of working in an "open plan office"... personally I prefer the term "free-range idiocy" to "open plan", but I digress).

So anyway you leave your office walk past the huge great dead rat outside (seriously, that's not an embellishment... there was a massive dead rat right outside my office today!) and finally get to the bus stop. With me so far? Okay - so you're at the bus stop, you'll be home soon and you can relax for a few hours before you have to go to bed and do it all again in the morning...

Then a gang of fucking tracksuit/hooded top combo wearing bastard children come past... now I don't know if you get this outside of Liverpool but basically to fit in with today's promising youth here in Liverpool you have to combine the complete lack of imagination garment that is the tracksuit with the vaguely threatening hooded top (with hood obviously worn up at all times).

So anyway these little angels are out playing with their BB guns... bless them! Thankfully they seem content on pretending they're going to fire and then simply shouting BANG and laughing when you jump... yeah, yeah I flinched... little fuckers!

So anyway next thing they cross the road to a used car place and start messing around a sporty looking convertible with the top down. The guy comes out the office... and takes the only rationale action possible... he takes them on a test drive! He actually lets them all in the car and does a circuit...

Now whilst this is happening I'm listening to the melodies of NIN on my MP3 player (a sure fire way to calm down after work!) so when they drive past an old man walking his dog on the other side of the street and he stops and looks confused I think they've probably just shouted BANG at him. The car gets to the end of the road, does a u-turn and comes back my way... so I figure I'll just look the other way so as to not give them the satisfaction of seeing that they're really fucking bugging me... that and they might shout BANG again!

But you see I was wrong about them having more sense than to actually be shooting people... of course I didn't realise that until the car slowed down and they shot me in the fucking face!

Okay it was a BB Gun and it didn't break the skin but it left a fucking welt on my face and stung to fuck (sorry about the excess language... as I said I'm venting!). I could only assume that they had also shot the old man walking his dog too... and I was fucking fuming! I don't know who I was more angry at - those little bastards or the fucking car dealer who decided to drive them around a bit and slow down whilst they take fucking shots at people...

I was almost ready to do one of two things - go over the road and run my fucking keys down the side of the convertible and have a go at the guy who should know better or chase the little bastards and fucking throttle them... of course I wouldn't do either because I'm too fucking sensible... that and the fact that my bus then arrived so I decided to not tempt myself and just to come home...

But seriously I was soooooooooo fucking angry

Now I just need to calm down... ideas anyone???