Today i'm in a funk. And i really just don't know why. knuckles white from wringing my hands all day long and all that. I think i might've spoken to soon the other day about all of those things up in the air crashing down. Maybe i've kept myself too busy to avoid a lot things that really need to be done, by instead doing things i want to do. I got a second chance at a normal healthy life and just didn't know what to do with it i suppose.
It's been a rough 5 years.
I thought going back to school to get a degree in something i could do the rest of my life, being in a band, recording and booking shows, going places to escape for weeks and weekends at a time would help and make me happy, make me feel better, make me feel together. But i'm slowly coming to the realization that all of that may no be true. Over the years i've been pushing people away either out of fear of hurt, changing tastes, health or distrust. And most earned it. And now that i'm back out of my shell, i am happy for myself but i'm still grieving for others. I'm still trying to fill a massive hole. It's cliche, but it's the best i've got. I like to be busy but i would rather things to go back to being simple and to what i know works. But after 2 years of unraveling and healing, i don't remember how anymore.
I need to stop doing what i think is "acceptable" and do what makes me happy. Some of which includes letting a few things go, some of which includes taking chances and most of which adhering to plans as little as possible.
I'm not going to quit smoking, i'm going to keep drinking
And I'm going to stop caring what you think of me.
If only i could be as blessed as the people who have me in their lives.
It's been a rough 5 years.
I thought going back to school to get a degree in something i could do the rest of my life, being in a band, recording and booking shows, going places to escape for weeks and weekends at a time would help and make me happy, make me feel better, make me feel together. But i'm slowly coming to the realization that all of that may no be true. Over the years i've been pushing people away either out of fear of hurt, changing tastes, health or distrust. And most earned it. And now that i'm back out of my shell, i am happy for myself but i'm still grieving for others. I'm still trying to fill a massive hole. It's cliche, but it's the best i've got. I like to be busy but i would rather things to go back to being simple and to what i know works. But after 2 years of unraveling and healing, i don't remember how anymore.
I need to stop doing what i think is "acceptable" and do what makes me happy. Some of which includes letting a few things go, some of which includes taking chances and most of which adhering to plans as little as possible.
I'm not going to quit smoking, i'm going to keep drinking
And I'm going to stop caring what you think of me.
If only i could be as blessed as the people who have me in their lives.
I've found fall to be every year, a very exciting and or anxiety time. It eases as you get older, find what your looking for, and it's only after a length of time do you find out who really is a friend or not.... ( We all want to trust people.. that's a social thing... we need others for survival. )
What's paramount is : Finding what you really want and doing it - Or doing something that's O.K. and pays well or gives you the time that makes other un-paying dreams a possiblity. Those are the only 2 solutions - outside of winning the lottery - to existing reasonably happy in the modern world. To pay bills, have security and have personal satisfaction.
When your lost for what you WANT to do as apposed to what you feel you NEED to do to make others happy. Think back the best times of your life ( Me? it was when I was 11... listening to The Beatles and KISS alone on my room and drawing stages while other guys doodles were of cars and girls - They're all probably salesmen and bartenders. Me, I work on rock shows and backstage in theatre - It's really the same thing I've been doing since I was 18 and it's what I wanted when I was 12 ) When you were there, in where you dreamed about what you wanted to be, whenever it was... you were on the right track....Go Back, and re-dream it all up.
Sadly, you'll find the list of people who fail you grows every year...But, in the middle of that all those people... if you look harder you'll see two things.
1. Those who failed you ( especially if they are the user types ) have a pattern of failing others - in the end they're the outsiders - they lost in reality, Because they're the ones without real support other than their lies, THAT'S NOT YOU. And they don't have you.
2. Inside all of those moments you'll find one or two shining stars that season. Keep those people in your heart and on your phone list. They probably really care about you because you cared about them. Or, they saw a part of themselves in you.
i would choke a bitch to go back to feeling the way i did in about....1999. that was a turning point for me. i lost something that year that ive never gotten back.