donnie_darko

i hate tequilla burps...

I got really drunk last night with one of my coworkers and that certianly was a reminder of why i would rather get stoned anyday over getting drunk. I mean i finished drinking and throwing up about 24 hours ago and i still feel slightly hung over. way to go travis... let's just drownd our problems in alcohol. granted, i suppose that that's not much better than clouding them in a haze of smoke. i don't know anymore... i'm not even sure what i don't know.... i feel as though i'm just babbling but something is makeing me keep typing this like some all inmportant revelation of the ways of my life is simply going to spring to life here on this computer screen. sorry but i guess i'm just gonna keep typing till i feel completed.
I can't write anymore. Well, i should say i haven't been able to write anything latly. my poetry has kinda died out of me. I was reading thought one of my poetry books i made in highschool and a couple of other stray works.... and i really enjoyed them. what i mean is that when i was writing i always though that my work was this hack job cocameemie (i have absolutely NO CLUE how to properly spell that word so deal with it) crap that all my friends just didn;t wat to tell me was terrible. granted i have kinda felt that way about any art i've created. The point is though when i was reading over what i had written... i was shocked by how much i enjoyed it. so much imagry... the flow of it... but most of all the passion i remember feeling when i was writing it. i think that my problem is that i've lost inspiration... i just feel emotionally dead and sorrowful inside right now. then again, part of me thinks that that's just an excuse so i don't have to write and force myself to revisit the empty spots in me ritght now. either because i don't want to think about it... or because i find that writing about lost loves and such kind of solidifies the truth of it all... and i don't really want to purge myslef of that sorrow yet because sorrow is still something to feel toward that which is lost. ok, i'm totally rambling right now. i don't know what my deal is and i don't really expect to have anybody really put the effort into reading all of these wandering thoughts... i just need the satisfaction of putting them down. saving them somehow.

I miss alot right now.
I miss my mother... she's in such a terrible situation right now... and i'm so worried for her... i feel as though the town she is living in is slowly killing her. each time i see her she looks a little older... her hands feel a little softer, like my great grandmothers did right before she passed away. that soft feling of skin worn and stretched over time and taking on the feeling of tissue paper. i worry so much for her and for my father who i feel is loosing his sanity. he is just getting more and more stressed out from my mother and their joint custody of my sister. the thing that concerns me most about my father is that he has taken up smoking. well, both my parents have resumed smoking... but the thing is that my father was that guy that if you walked into a restruant that had a smoking section anywhere near the non-smoking section we would go somewhere else. he could get into a car and be able to tell you someone smoked a cigarrett in it 6 months ago and he wouldn't be able to ride in the car. and now he stands on the back portch and lights one up.
I am just having a hard time dealing with all the change in my life right now. i like osme infant child just want things to go back to the way thing s were... when my parents were happy... when i didn't have to worry that my sister was going to have a good home. when i didn't have to worry about my mother and the fact that i'm making more $ an hour than her. when i could go with my dog to the beach and watch him chase the other dogs. I miss him so much, but i'm trying to cause a few rippels in my ex's life so that she and her new boyfriend don't have to worry about my exsistence. Unfortunatly he still wants to kick my ass... what even for now i'm not sure. perhaps he's even reading this now... maybe she is. i don't know. i haven't talked to her, like really talked to her, my best friend, in enitrly too long. i would be lying to say that i don't still miss her as my love in life... but i miss even more the lack of exsistence as my friend from her. i don't blame her for the loss of friendship... i know i propably could have called her much more than i have... i just don't want my clinging onto our lost relationship to cost her her new one. In case you are reading this kendra... i just want to tell you that i miss you so much. not in some desperate attempt to inspire you to contact me or anyting like that... i just wanted to tell you. i'm not even really sure why.

ok... i hate tequilla burps... And crying pointlessly.

I think i've kinda hit an emotional wall.

At least for one bright point in my life i just realized that MAry has put up a new set... yea! i love mary... she is basically the reason i joind this site.

Ok... last time on this... hate tequilla burps, crying pointlessly, and needless self pity. ok, so i'm not even sure if i believe myself on this one but get this. a while back i bought some oil paintings for cheap form a thrift store and their all really abstract stuff. anyway, i put some of them up on my wall in my room. the point is that i put 4 up next to each other in a kind of symbolic group. the 4 picture are each of a different part of a body. A head, a set of hands, a torso, and a pair of feet. i realized afterward that on some level they basically created a tribute to my ex. ok, the feet has a pair of gray pants with blue adidas on. she used to wear this pair of gray pants all the time and the shoes are totally something she would wear. the torso is a female torso. the hands is a picture of one hand drawing a picture of the other hand. and the hand that is being drawn is in almost the same position as a hand that she drew in high school. and filally, the icing on the cake... the face has 2 different colored eyes... as does kendra. i realized this about a day after i put it up... how perfectly it all flowed together. and instead of taking it down... i keep it up. why, i'm npt sure... well. actually, i know why. because A. it jsut does really look good. and B. it reminds me of her. not in the over the top kind of way but in the "that's my friend right there" kind of way. i don't know what i'm jabbering about now. i think it's time for me to go before i get myself into anymore trouble writing. anyway, if any of you actually made it to the end of this magical journey... i congradualte you. you have proved yourself as a truly mighty warrior against rambling and mis-spelled words.
BRAVO!!!