donnie121

its not that i'm unhappy with life because you can always change and make moves like the queen on a chessboard, but i'm quite discontent, with everything, i've felt the absence of something and i cant figure out what is it, I've felt nothing for alongtime almost completely numb toward everything, i dont wanna bring people down so i choose to keep my mouth shut to my envirnoment. but i cant escape it. it's not love i long for, or even human contact, I had that, it only hurt more i'm such a complex person, i doubt anyone could even love me ever, not to sound of self-loathing but just truthful, i feel almost nothing, i believe i need a drastic change like moving to cali, which is a possibility, but I'm not sure. i like to torment myself at night when its dark and cold, I feel worse at this time, and i relish the pain, Im sort of a masachist, and enjoy pain and anguish, i cant understand why someone would like that, but I do, Im constantly changing my mind and feelings every moment. I enjoy this journal cause when its late and cold, i can be happy, angry, or numb and write it all down, i use to write my thoughts down, but i would misplace them or sometimes someone would read them and pending the person it might be bad.i'm poor, lifeless, worthless, loveless, useless, and lonely. I am a disgusting creature....