donnie121

In the realm we live and our reality, morality is a burden. Nothing is certain besides death. i just got done watching the movie "big fish" when his father is diagnosed with cancer and he has to go home and see him. i know his pain all too well, when i was in college, my mother told me and my sister, that she was going in for minor surgery for a urinany tract infection cause by her diabetes, and she seemed really scared but my mom is an over zealous woman and can cry and the drop of a hat. At this time i lived at school and my sister has just graduated college and was taking some finishing classes on top of being a branch manager for fleet bank, so she was never home much. I got the call from my dad to come home and she my mom in the hospital about a week after her surgery. well i couldnt right then so i went next week, my dad came and picked me up from school. i brought my ex home with me, and she fell asleep in the car and my father who isnt the warmest of all people said" ok, it good jen fell asleep, i have something to tell you, you mom didnt go to the hospital for a unrinary tract infection" i'm like ok them "what for then?" he paused and looked at me and took a deep breathe, and said "donald, your mother's dying of cancer, they found it about 6 months again, she has cervical cancer and its malignant" (sorry i'm gettin kind of emotional) I was so angry at her "why the fuck didnt you tell me", why would you hide this?, we're a family, and if she dies we all do? i smoked a butt and just stared out the window of the car. when we got home i was hesitant about going inside, i didnt want to see her, i didnt want to face this, GOd i love my mom so much and her dying would kill me, NOw when i was younger i was a thief a drugdealer and just a fuck up, i put my parents through hell, and blamed it all on them. my parents are OUTSTANDING you couldnt wish for better ones they are so supportive and loving they are every kids dream. they have never betrayed me, sold me out, or ever made me feel like i wasnt good enough. I love them and am so proud of them, anyways i went into her room she was in bed, her skin was grey, she was so thin thinner then ever, she was weak, i said "hi mommy, how do you feel, she was on pain killers so she was pretty groggy, we started talking and i brokedown, now i'm not a crier never really have been, i just get mad then suck it up, thats my problem. i cried so hard and told her i was so sorry for being a bad son, and that i was so sorry for everything i put her through, and that she was the best thing i have ever known, that she was an angel for being my mom and my fathers wife, she was perfect. and that i didnt deserve her as a mom. I told her i was sorry for never making her proud. God this is really had to do. she grabbed me and and siad she was proud just knowing i was alive and that i cleaned up my act. god i dont want her to die. my father was decay without her the are soulmates and neither could live without the other, sorry she was released from the hospital, this all took place at my house. My dad told me the doctors think they got it all, and he waiting on tests to see if it will comeback. i sometimes get philosophical but not really emotional i dont cry. but i needed to get this out i bottle things up too much and dont grieve often, my sister says i use to wear my heart on my sleeve, but not anymore. i watched that movie and it got me thinking about thatand how i never really just gave myself sometime to let it out, i hate to get emo around people so i dont, i actually feel much better,

ps her tests came back negative, she is a solider