Well, I never have been a positive person...and I don't see any change in my negativity...I suppose that could be a good thing that I am consistant. What could be expected when you are self-loathing and have no life? It's not that I take pride in being constantly pissed of at something, I actually wish I could for once be happy and content with myself. Unfortunatly I really have no faith in happiness. Once I find something that makes me happy, something that makes me feel like a better person, it just goes away. I am always told that it's not my fault, but who's fault is it if not mine? In terms of relationships it's that I am too nice and too emotional...well, that sounds like it's my fault doesn't it? Right now I am just sitting here in the dark all alone and feeling forgotten, and oddly enough...that makes me happy. I haven't really talked to any of my "friends" for a long time, nor do I feel the effort to. Hell, I don't really talk to anyone anymore, except those at work...because I have to. All I do if ponder...will anyone even notice that I just fade away? Then I think how ironic it would be if I died...and then all the things people should have said in life...are said in death. Not saying that I am going to kill myself...cause I am too much of a corward to do that, but I wish for death nonetheless. I just hope my time will come sooner than later. I see no point in living the life I live. There seems to be no meaning and no end to void in my heart and soul...hence my silence.
This is what is always on my mind, haunting me. How much I hate myself. How much I hate my life. I am not looking for pitty, I can drown myself in my own, haha. There is no need to respond to any of my words. There is no need to respond to my actions. I am unfit for life. I am unfit for society. Why I was made to be will always be a question. A question that will need no answering so long as there will be an end. I don't care if it's heaven or hell or nothing at all...my soul is already burning.
And with that being said, there are many things in life I do infact enjoy...there is some happiness. I love a real friendship, not those that just your friend for something they can gain beyond friendship. I love the embrace of a woman I love and loves me in return. I love the serenity of the woods and the clear cool autumn sky. How the leaves turn and seem to burn the horizon with their firey hue. I love a companion that actualy seems to value me and want to be around me. I love some simple pleasures such as music and playing video games...being a dork...it's fun. I love fire....burning things...it's fun! I love getting high and falling into Oblivion..forgetting my woes and filling the void in my heart and soul with retardation. It's funny how much NOT thinking can make you happy.
Alas, my life is dull and boring and there seems to be just me...in this hole...falling forever...forgotten.
I would love to make more of my life...change many things, but I lack the means and the motivation to do so. I feel shrouded by the shadow. The only time I ever feel whole and complete...like the void that cuts deep inside me has been filled, is when I find someone to love...someone that I feel loves me. But as you can tell, that means I am desperate, therefore I am not fit for a relationship and shall not persue one...even if that means never...
I am not particularly fond of feeling that I am damned to eternity in solitude, but feeling forsaken seems to have that effect on people.
I spend my life daydreaming...pretending I am someone else. Someone I would rather be, and playing the life of this alternate self in my mind over and over. From being honor-bound and trying to help and correct the world, to being a tyrant wanting nothing more than to see this world crumble in my hands. My hate extends through this world to God. Call me crazy if you will, but I'd love nothing more than to tear the wings off of all the angels and slit their throats for all eternity...that is my paradise...seeing heaven's gates torn and twisted, and the land littered by the dead.
To quote Cradle:
"Thank God for the Suffering"
This is what is always on my mind, haunting me. How much I hate myself. How much I hate my life. I am not looking for pitty, I can drown myself in my own, haha. There is no need to respond to any of my words. There is no need to respond to my actions. I am unfit for life. I am unfit for society. Why I was made to be will always be a question. A question that will need no answering so long as there will be an end. I don't care if it's heaven or hell or nothing at all...my soul is already burning.
And with that being said, there are many things in life I do infact enjoy...there is some happiness. I love a real friendship, not those that just your friend for something they can gain beyond friendship. I love the embrace of a woman I love and loves me in return. I love the serenity of the woods and the clear cool autumn sky. How the leaves turn and seem to burn the horizon with their firey hue. I love a companion that actualy seems to value me and want to be around me. I love some simple pleasures such as music and playing video games...being a dork...it's fun. I love fire....burning things...it's fun! I love getting high and falling into Oblivion..forgetting my woes and filling the void in my heart and soul with retardation. It's funny how much NOT thinking can make you happy.
Alas, my life is dull and boring and there seems to be just me...in this hole...falling forever...forgotten.
I would love to make more of my life...change many things, but I lack the means and the motivation to do so. I feel shrouded by the shadow. The only time I ever feel whole and complete...like the void that cuts deep inside me has been filled, is when I find someone to love...someone that I feel loves me. But as you can tell, that means I am desperate, therefore I am not fit for a relationship and shall not persue one...even if that means never...
I am not particularly fond of feeling that I am damned to eternity in solitude, but feeling forsaken seems to have that effect on people.
I spend my life daydreaming...pretending I am someone else. Someone I would rather be, and playing the life of this alternate self in my mind over and over. From being honor-bound and trying to help and correct the world, to being a tyrant wanting nothing more than to see this world crumble in my hands. My hate extends through this world to God. Call me crazy if you will, but I'd love nothing more than to tear the wings off of all the angels and slit their throats for all eternity...that is my paradise...seeing heaven's gates torn and twisted, and the land littered by the dead.
To quote Cradle:
"Thank God for the Suffering"