domo_kun

Ugh... I feel shitty. And I don't mean sick.

I hate failure. I hate it with a passion. Every time I fail I tend to dwell on it and get depressed. Well, I've made a collosal failure.

I'm the travel committee chairman on my college's student government. We formed our committees in the middle of October and I tried to get the two girls on my committee to meet at a designated time (I even worked around their schedules), but, alas, no one would show up for the meetings, and we had a trip to Chicago to plan for the Christmas season. We did set a date: 10 December.

Then I got sick. I was sick for almost the entire month of November, with mono and strep. I lost 20 lbs because of how sick I was. I slept all the time, I didn't eat, and, in fact, I couldn't eat because my throat was so swollen and sore. I couldn't even drink. Painkillers helped a bit, but not enough for me to be able to eat. So I spent most of last month at home, in bed, or in doctors' offices. I went to my college maybe three or four times, just to talk to the treasurer (who is stepping down next semester. I'm being tapped as her replacement) so that I could learn her job. I couldn't get anything done, so I delegated the responsibilty for getting buses reserved for the shopping trip and the responsibility for promoting the event. I came back the week of Thanksgiving and, lo and behold, nothing was done. I had to make flyers really quickly, and I had to get buses (we found school buses, but not coaches). Ten people ended up signing up for the trip, and I was told at the student government meeting Monday, by our advisor's stand-in, that, if at least ten more people didn't sign up, then the administration would cancel the trip. This pissed me off to no end, because I feel that I should have been told this BEFORE the meeting, and that administration should have talked to me before making a unilateral decision like that, since it is my trip and I am the one responsible for it to the public. My deadline was today.

Obviously, ten tickets were not sold between Monday and today. So I cancelled the buses, and tomorrow I need to call the people whose numbers I have to tell them that the trip has been cancelled. I'll have to explain that we didn't have enugh people, that there wasn't enough time to adequately plan the trip, and that I had an unexpected illness that prevented me from doing any work (in fact, I'm going to fail my Video and Audio Production classes because I missed so many classes. I've decided to just stop attending). I'm going to have to take responsibility for my committee members' fuck-ups, though, and that pisses me off.



But more than pissed, I feel defeated. I worked my ass off after I got back from being sick to try to pull this together. I reserved the buses. I presented the motions in the meetings. I made the flyers. I contacted the college PR guy to get something put in the college's daily news that the employees and faculty get every day. I sold the tickets. I did fucking EVERYTHING, and I poured my heart and soul into trying to make it work, and it ended in failure. I feel powerless and weak.