Good morning, SGland! Today is World Mental Health Day (October 10) and I would like to take some of my time to write this blog ~ I’m sorry if this blog is long, but thank you so much for people who will take their time to read it!
This blog is very important to me, because I believe we should talk more about mental issues and mental disorders. This year, the cases of depression and anxiety have spiked due to the current situation, so it is important for people to understand and be aware if they or a person don’t feel good and to seek help whenever it is necessary, something a lot don’t do, because there is still a stigma attached to mental disorders. I thought I would share my story and I would like people to do the same if you feel comfortable doing so. And I hope this blog reaches FP for more people to see it.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and have taken medications for it. But I am not here to talk about my depression or anxiety, as people know what it is basically, but I am here to talk to you about another disorder of mine that is not very common and very misunderstood.
When I was 8 years old, my teachers highly recommended my mother to bring me to a psychologist for quote “very disturbing behaviour towards the other students.” I don’t remember what I did, but I remember going to see a psychologist and the talk I had with him. I know that my mother thought I was autistic when I was 3 years old, and did not think anything about it until then. She thought my behaviour was just related to the possible autism she thought I had. But I did not have autism.
I don’t fully remember my conversation with my psychologist (this is like 20 years ago.) But I remember doing and failing an emotion test, which I had to identify from the pictures which emotion the kids’ face was showing. After some conversations, my psychologist sent my mother and I to go see another psychologist that was out of town, close to where I live now because he had a hunch and wanted to get a clearer picture. He told my mother that it was very possible that I had ASPD (antisocial personality disorder.) So we went to see that other psychologist and the diagnosis was clear. I was diagnosed with ASPD.
ASPD or antisocial personality disorder, also known as sociopathy or psychopathy, is a mental disorder that is very misunderstood because of how Hollywood portrays it. When people think of psychopaths they think of serial killers. But ASPD or sociopathy or psychopathy is way more complicated. People with ASPD tend to disregard societal rules and cannot distinguish between right or wrong. They cannot feel empathy nor guilt nor remorse. And when I say cannot, I mean they physically cannot. That is why people with ASPD will be seen as cold individuals who do not care about anyone (which is terribly false.) But this is how Hollywood portrays this disorder unfortunately.
Because of this disorder, I cannot really feel any emotions or at least I don’t feel them the same way people do. I have a difficult time to form emotional bonds with people as well. Sometimes I know that I am happy, or sad, but I cannot feel it. The only emotion I can truly feel is anger, and most of the therapy I did as a kid was to control my anger, as I had anger management issues. All of those things make my relationships with people hard to maintain. Most people when I tell them of my disorder, they think I will constantly lie to them, manipulate them or that I am friends with them just to get something out of it. Which is again completely false. This disorder is rare (my psychologist told me that I was his first case in 20 years of practice) and it is not talked often in the mental health world, so I hope by writing this blog, I will be able to bring awareness to it.
Unfortunately there is no drug that can treat ASPD. I did therapy, but even then, it is almost like a personality trait that you can’t do anything about. I don’t expect people to fully understand it, but I hope people stop to categorize me as a monster just because I can’t feel or I can’t form bonds with people. I do have friends which I spend good times with, and I am in a 8 year long relationship with my boyfriend. Even if it is impossible for me to feel empathy towards anyone, I am always there to hear my friends’ problems and give them advice (I just cannot feel what they feel.) Even if I cannot feel guilt or remorse if I did something wrong, I can still acknowledge it.
I am sure other people struggle with their own diagnosis. This is just the challenges of mine. If you are interested there is a very good show on Netflix called It’s Okay Not To Be Okay, and the woman in the show has ASPD. It is, in my opinion, the closest real representation of ASPD that I’ve seen so far. She has other issues as well, but I so recognize myself in her. It is a Korean drama and I must say it is very cute and funny, you should definitely check it out!
If you have any questions about ASPD, I will gladly answer them, and I hope to hear some of your stories soon!
~dollypanda
Don’t forget, you are not alone.
@rambo @missy @lemon
