Brandi, my best friend, informed Jessi and I that she will be moving to upstate South Carolina July 1st to be with the married guy.
This is what I wish I would've said in response:
"Are ou fucking kidding me? Have you lost your mind? You hated SC so much you couldn't wait for the chance to get out and come specifically to TN, and now you're just chomping at the bit to go back with someone who can't even commit to you entirely because he has a wife? You're standing here, looking pissed because we aren't begging for you to stay...it's far past that. You don't listen to us when we give you valid reasons to rethink your choices with him, so what the hell does it matter anymore? It's not even that he's married, anymore...it's that he's just an asshole. He doesn't treat you the way you should be treated. If he did, he wouldn't be trying to take you away from everything you've worked so hard to accomplish here and he sure as hell wouldn't be trying to make you stay away from your loved ones here. He treats us like we're so far beneath him that we don't even want to be around him anymore, and instead of listening to us and standing up for us, you forget us and defend him. That's fine, if that's honestly how you want it. If he won't let you see us now without pitching a fit, and he's 500 miles away when you're trying to come out with us, how do you think it's going to be when he's right with you and WE are 500 miles away? He won't let you even stop and visit your family in SC on your way to see him! That's fucked up! You don't think you'll be suspicious when he says he's "going fishing for the weekend" or when he's "out with the guys", either, but you will be. And the shittiest part of it all is that your friends and your family will be so put off from being tossed aside because of him that we'll be seriously lacking in the sympathize with 'Brandi because Chris is treating her wrong and she's so far away from her comfort zone department'. You haven't even told your own family yet about your decision and you waited six weeks to tell us because you KNOW what she's going to say and you're afraid because SHE IS RIGHT! Where is the strong, independent, fun best friend I used to have? Some dumb ass, disrespectful, cruel guy comes along with sickeningly sweet cliches and you morph into this sad, weak, dependent person who lets him lead her around like a little puppy. The old you would've told Chris to fuck off for treating Jessi the way he did, and God only knows what she would've said when he hit on Jessi...but you...you just laughed it off and defended him when Jessi came to you about how it made her feel. So, go, then, if that's what you want. I'm through trying to talk to someone who is blind and deaf."
This is what I, suddenly lacking the backbone that has made me unafraid to be brutally honest, really said:
"Oh....July...wow....that's...so....soon. Um...what are you doing about school and work? ...Oh...well...when did you decide to...um....move all of a sudden? Oh...six weeks...right...No. you're not right. I WILL miss you, I just don't have anything to say because you won't listen to it anyway..."
*sigh* I KNEW this would happen...I just didn't expect myself to lose all semblance of honesty at the time. I know I couldn't change anything even if I would've said what I wanted to, but at least I would've said it, you know? I really REALLY hope that one day I can say, "You know, Brandi, I am really sorry. I was really wrong about Chris. He really is a good guy for you." However, there are so many relationship red flags that have popped up that I am pretty sure the more likely lines will be "You know, I really wanted to try to stop you from moving, but I knew I couldn't. I saw very early on how bad things were going to be, I just didn't know what to do."
It's not even the idea that he's married anymore that bothers me. It's the idea that he doesn't feel like he has to be nice to or respectful of any of Brandi's friends, co-workers, and family. See, Chris lives under the mentality that he has full reign to be an arrogant, rude, mean-spirited asshole to EVERYONE he meets until they give him proper reason to feel otherwise. I've seen it. Brandi will admit herself that she hated him the first two weeks she met him because he was so mean and disrespectful to her and everyone else. He treates everyone in her life...hell, everyone in general...like they are beneath him and she just thinks it's "cute that he's a smart ass." I'm sorry...I've always been a smart ass, I've always had smart ass friends...snide, maybe...teasing, maybe...but completely devoid of respect and any semblance of niceness is just mean, not smart ass. It's also the idea that he says "jump" and she not only says "How high?" but also "Where? When? Now? Should I jump, or leap, or maybe hop? What should I wear? How long do you want me to jump?" She can hang out iwth us, but only if he maintains constant text message contact with her- if she doesn't respond to him immediately, then he gets this big paranoid, "What the hell were you doing to not respond to me?" thing going on....Fuck, we were in the middle of a movie theatre watching the dramatic conclusion to the movie, bastard, give her five fucking seconds before you accuse her of something that she is to controlled by you to even fucking think of doing anyway. Jesus...then, they'll get into a text fight and she'll suddenly have to leave. If she tells him she called one of her friends and they didn't answer (I watched this happen first hand with Jessi) then he says, "Oh baby, see? I was right, they don't care about you...I would NEVER just let the phone ring if you were calling me...." and she says, "Oh Chris, all this time I thought that they were my friends...but you're right." And, when Jessi called back a few seconds later, because she was in the shower when Brandi called, he said, "Oh, are you going to answer that? You're with me...and we don't get to spend that much time together for you to spend it all girl- talking. Let her see how it feels to not be important enough to answer the phone." What the fuck is that? Explain to me how that is a healthy relationship? And explain to me how someone can go from realizing that shit is completely wrong to falling for it hook, line, and sinker!? HOW?!
*sigh* So now I'm in a dilemna. Do I pretend to be supportive of this moving business so I don't give her a reason to completely push me away, or do I keep on letting her know how I feel, as I've done before? She contantly is asking for reassurance and justification, and up until last night, I was always able to articulate what I felt. I would hate to lie to her, but I also don't want to give her any reason to back farther away. I also don't want her to be afraid to talk to me if things DO start to go bad because she thinks she'll hear "I told you so." I also don't want her to say, "But why didn't you TELL me? Why did you just let me think you were cool wtih him and everything when you thought something was wrong?"
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the hell do I do now?
I need sane girl friends.
This is what I wish I would've said in response:
"Are ou fucking kidding me? Have you lost your mind? You hated SC so much you couldn't wait for the chance to get out and come specifically to TN, and now you're just chomping at the bit to go back with someone who can't even commit to you entirely because he has a wife? You're standing here, looking pissed because we aren't begging for you to stay...it's far past that. You don't listen to us when we give you valid reasons to rethink your choices with him, so what the hell does it matter anymore? It's not even that he's married, anymore...it's that he's just an asshole. He doesn't treat you the way you should be treated. If he did, he wouldn't be trying to take you away from everything you've worked so hard to accomplish here and he sure as hell wouldn't be trying to make you stay away from your loved ones here. He treats us like we're so far beneath him that we don't even want to be around him anymore, and instead of listening to us and standing up for us, you forget us and defend him. That's fine, if that's honestly how you want it. If he won't let you see us now without pitching a fit, and he's 500 miles away when you're trying to come out with us, how do you think it's going to be when he's right with you and WE are 500 miles away? He won't let you even stop and visit your family in SC on your way to see him! That's fucked up! You don't think you'll be suspicious when he says he's "going fishing for the weekend" or when he's "out with the guys", either, but you will be. And the shittiest part of it all is that your friends and your family will be so put off from being tossed aside because of him that we'll be seriously lacking in the sympathize with 'Brandi because Chris is treating her wrong and she's so far away from her comfort zone department'. You haven't even told your own family yet about your decision and you waited six weeks to tell us because you KNOW what she's going to say and you're afraid because SHE IS RIGHT! Where is the strong, independent, fun best friend I used to have? Some dumb ass, disrespectful, cruel guy comes along with sickeningly sweet cliches and you morph into this sad, weak, dependent person who lets him lead her around like a little puppy. The old you would've told Chris to fuck off for treating Jessi the way he did, and God only knows what she would've said when he hit on Jessi...but you...you just laughed it off and defended him when Jessi came to you about how it made her feel. So, go, then, if that's what you want. I'm through trying to talk to someone who is blind and deaf."
This is what I, suddenly lacking the backbone that has made me unafraid to be brutally honest, really said:
"Oh....July...wow....that's...so....soon. Um...what are you doing about school and work? ...Oh...well...when did you decide to...um....move all of a sudden? Oh...six weeks...right...No. you're not right. I WILL miss you, I just don't have anything to say because you won't listen to it anyway..."
*sigh* I KNEW this would happen...I just didn't expect myself to lose all semblance of honesty at the time. I know I couldn't change anything even if I would've said what I wanted to, but at least I would've said it, you know? I really REALLY hope that one day I can say, "You know, Brandi, I am really sorry. I was really wrong about Chris. He really is a good guy for you." However, there are so many relationship red flags that have popped up that I am pretty sure the more likely lines will be "You know, I really wanted to try to stop you from moving, but I knew I couldn't. I saw very early on how bad things were going to be, I just didn't know what to do."
It's not even the idea that he's married anymore that bothers me. It's the idea that he doesn't feel like he has to be nice to or respectful of any of Brandi's friends, co-workers, and family. See, Chris lives under the mentality that he has full reign to be an arrogant, rude, mean-spirited asshole to EVERYONE he meets until they give him proper reason to feel otherwise. I've seen it. Brandi will admit herself that she hated him the first two weeks she met him because he was so mean and disrespectful to her and everyone else. He treates everyone in her life...hell, everyone in general...like they are beneath him and she just thinks it's "cute that he's a smart ass." I'm sorry...I've always been a smart ass, I've always had smart ass friends...snide, maybe...teasing, maybe...but completely devoid of respect and any semblance of niceness is just mean, not smart ass. It's also the idea that he says "jump" and she not only says "How high?" but also "Where? When? Now? Should I jump, or leap, or maybe hop? What should I wear? How long do you want me to jump?" She can hang out iwth us, but only if he maintains constant text message contact with her- if she doesn't respond to him immediately, then he gets this big paranoid, "What the hell were you doing to not respond to me?" thing going on....Fuck, we were in the middle of a movie theatre watching the dramatic conclusion to the movie, bastard, give her five fucking seconds before you accuse her of something that she is to controlled by you to even fucking think of doing anyway. Jesus...then, they'll get into a text fight and she'll suddenly have to leave. If she tells him she called one of her friends and they didn't answer (I watched this happen first hand with Jessi) then he says, "Oh baby, see? I was right, they don't care about you...I would NEVER just let the phone ring if you were calling me...." and she says, "Oh Chris, all this time I thought that they were my friends...but you're right." And, when Jessi called back a few seconds later, because she was in the shower when Brandi called, he said, "Oh, are you going to answer that? You're with me...and we don't get to spend that much time together for you to spend it all girl- talking. Let her see how it feels to not be important enough to answer the phone." What the fuck is that? Explain to me how that is a healthy relationship? And explain to me how someone can go from realizing that shit is completely wrong to falling for it hook, line, and sinker!? HOW?!
*sigh* So now I'm in a dilemna. Do I pretend to be supportive of this moving business so I don't give her a reason to completely push me away, or do I keep on letting her know how I feel, as I've done before? She contantly is asking for reassurance and justification, and up until last night, I was always able to articulate what I felt. I would hate to lie to her, but I also don't want to give her any reason to back farther away. I also don't want her to be afraid to talk to me if things DO start to go bad because she thinks she'll hear "I told you so." I also don't want her to say, "But why didn't you TELL me? Why did you just let me think you were cool wtih him and everything when you thought something was wrong?"
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the hell do I do now?
I need sane girl friends.
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
I need sane girl friends.
No such animal.
I wouldn't pretend to liek her choices... you can be supportive of her and still dissaprove of the choices.. Tell her how you feel and what you think. She should be able to take it.