Last night, a very good guy friend and I got into a discussion about relationships. He said he loved his girl of 3.5 years "deeper than he would ever understand" but that he was "bored and complacent" with their relationship. He admitted to cheating on her recently with an 18 year old girl that he described as a hot, female version of himself, and now this girl has him all fucked up. He said with his girlfriend, their sex life was non-existant and he didn't feel loved or appreciated anymore...that he wasn't sure *why* he loved her, but that he knows what he feels has to be love because he wouldn't do the things he does for her if it wasn't. He said, "it's hard to believe that I've lived out all my fun and happiness by the time I'm 25."
I totally disagreed. I told him that to me, love=happiness, not complacency. If it's boring and if you're having these emotional and physical moments of infidelity, then what you feel for your girlfriend isn't love, or at least, not the kind of love that would keep a relationship going strong and healthy. Maybe I'm idealistic, but I believe if you are in a truly loving relationship, faithfulness and honesty and happiness and fun all come with it. If he's head over heels for another girl, then he's causing his own misery by staying with his girlfriend, and he's making it worse, the longer they stay together. If he's an emotional wreck over this other girl, then there's no way he can give his girlfriend the support and stuff she needs. He says he's destined NOT to be happy, so it doesn't matter whether he stays with his girlfriend or not.
He told me he didn't understand why people got married. He said, "If I'm with you in 10 years, whether we're married or not, I'll feel the same way I did from the first day, so why should I get married?" I told him that marriage is something to officially promise your love and faith and dedication to someone in front of God/Goddess/Buddha/whomever AND the rest of society. It's a vow that you'll try your hardest to keep each other happy, safe, loyal, etc. I know it doesn't mean that to a lot of people anymore- look at divorce rates and stuff- but that's what it means to me. When I get married, I'm married for life. (That's why I haven't made it to the altar yet, but have been engaged twice, because I realized what I was doing was wrong!) I told him that he probably doesn't understand because of his own relationship situation.
I think what it boils down to with him is that she has a child that he's been around since before he was born. She was pregnant when they got together. And now, he's dad. If he loses her, he loses the kid, too. I told him that was really admirable that he felt that way, but he also needed to think of his own feelings, too. How is his girl, or the child for that matter, going to feel when they realize down the road that hubby/daddy is miserable and realize WHY he's miserable? That's not fair to anyone.
In other, slightly more dysfunctional, relationship news, I am beginning to get VERY worried about my best friend Brandi, who is dating the married guy. She had until today to move out of the dorms and into an apartment, and she decided to go away with him for the weekend instead. She hasn't even attempted to find an apt. here. She uses all her money on him, renting hotel rooms and buying him food...she doesn't even have the money for a security deposit anyway. She also hasn't registered for the fall term at school, either, and she's been talking about (during the few and far between phone conversations now) how hard it is to leave him on Sundays. They get to see each other every day at work, but that, I suppose, is besides the point. And, in spite of how much she fought to get out of and stay out of SC (her former home, his current home) she says it's starting to not sound so bad to move back and live with him happily ever after. I think he's talked her into quitting school and moving back to SC with him...away from all of her friends here who have been trying to talk some sense into her by asking her to slow down and be careful with him. He hit on mine and Brandi's other good friend Jessi, right in front of Brandi (grabbing her ass and stuff) and Brandi just laughed it off and said it was cute. Then, Brandi told Jessi that Chris has been talking to her about the two of them having a baby! They've been seeing each other less than 2 months and HE'S STILL MARRIED!!!! I love my best friend very much, and I'm so worried for her. I know she's had bad luck with guys in the past, and I know she was very lonely- she kept telling me she wanted a life like what I have with my boyfriend. So now, as soon as this guy came along talking all sweet, she fell for it. hook. line. sinker. And, as it is when you think you're in "love"...if someone tells you it's not how it is, you never can see it. I just don't know what to do. I feel like she's severing ties between us and between her and her other friends...partly because she's leaving and partly because he wants her to. And that's not right. I know I can't change it, though, and she has to make her own mistakes. *sigh* I just wish I could help.
In less dysfunctional relationship news, and in closing, just when I think I couldn't possibly love my man more, or that he couldn't possibly make me feel any happier, he goes and does something that completely makes me eat my words. A couple things, actually.
1. I have chronic nightmares. Like these vivd, horrible, wake-up-crying-in-a-cold-sweat nightmares. And, they always seem to hit the hardest when I'm experiencing a little bit of insomnia. I had a hard time falling asleep the other night, and sure enough, as soon as I did, I had this horrible dream. He came to bed just a few minutes after I woke up, almost in tears and unable to catch my breath. I couldn't even remember the dream and it had me that upset. He calmed me down, wrapped his arms around me and said, "Don't worry. I'll protect you now. I'm always going to be here to protect you."
2. Next morning, after about 1.5 hours of sleep, I get up for work. I tried to be really quiet, because I thought he was still asleep. Just as I was getting out of bed, he grabbed my hand and pulled me over to him. He says, "Guess what?", to which I respond, of course, with, "What?" I was expecting him to tickle me or pop my bra or something and go "That's what!"- something silly like he tends to do, but he just looked at me and said, "I love you sooo much." What a way to start my day. I'm such a lucky girl.
3. His friend Lyle, and Lyle's sister Elizabeth had a party the other night. My boyfriend couldn't go because he had to work, but he told me Elizabeth really wanted me there. So I decided to go. I was worried about not knowing anyone but her and Lyle, and then he said his friend James was going, and he wanted to ride over there with me. At the party, Elizabeth was blitzed when I got there, so I spent the entire evening talking to James and Lyle. So, they start telling me how serious my boyfriend is about me, because they know him so well, and they know if a girl ever moved in with him, she was the one. We had a good time talking- they didn't know me very well before that- just as the girlfriend. Later, he comes home from work telling me Lyle and James thought I was really cool and that they were glad he found me and stuff.
It turns out he had suggested I go to the party so they could get to know me. Not many of the girlfriends any of the guys in his group have had have ever tried to take the time to become friends with the rest of the group- they all were just "so and so's girlfriend". I took the time to become actual friends with them, on an individual level, and he and they thought it was awesome.
*Sigh* I LOVE HIM!
PS. I want a beagle puppy. I shall name him Snoopy if I ever get him.
PS2. I you guys!
I totally disagreed. I told him that to me, love=happiness, not complacency. If it's boring and if you're having these emotional and physical moments of infidelity, then what you feel for your girlfriend isn't love, or at least, not the kind of love that would keep a relationship going strong and healthy. Maybe I'm idealistic, but I believe if you are in a truly loving relationship, faithfulness and honesty and happiness and fun all come with it. If he's head over heels for another girl, then he's causing his own misery by staying with his girlfriend, and he's making it worse, the longer they stay together. If he's an emotional wreck over this other girl, then there's no way he can give his girlfriend the support and stuff she needs. He says he's destined NOT to be happy, so it doesn't matter whether he stays with his girlfriend or not.
He told me he didn't understand why people got married. He said, "If I'm with you in 10 years, whether we're married or not, I'll feel the same way I did from the first day, so why should I get married?" I told him that marriage is something to officially promise your love and faith and dedication to someone in front of God/Goddess/Buddha/whomever AND the rest of society. It's a vow that you'll try your hardest to keep each other happy, safe, loyal, etc. I know it doesn't mean that to a lot of people anymore- look at divorce rates and stuff- but that's what it means to me. When I get married, I'm married for life. (That's why I haven't made it to the altar yet, but have been engaged twice, because I realized what I was doing was wrong!) I told him that he probably doesn't understand because of his own relationship situation.
I think what it boils down to with him is that she has a child that he's been around since before he was born. She was pregnant when they got together. And now, he's dad. If he loses her, he loses the kid, too. I told him that was really admirable that he felt that way, but he also needed to think of his own feelings, too. How is his girl, or the child for that matter, going to feel when they realize down the road that hubby/daddy is miserable and realize WHY he's miserable? That's not fair to anyone.
In other, slightly more dysfunctional, relationship news, I am beginning to get VERY worried about my best friend Brandi, who is dating the married guy. She had until today to move out of the dorms and into an apartment, and she decided to go away with him for the weekend instead. She hasn't even attempted to find an apt. here. She uses all her money on him, renting hotel rooms and buying him food...she doesn't even have the money for a security deposit anyway. She also hasn't registered for the fall term at school, either, and she's been talking about (during the few and far between phone conversations now) how hard it is to leave him on Sundays. They get to see each other every day at work, but that, I suppose, is besides the point. And, in spite of how much she fought to get out of and stay out of SC (her former home, his current home) she says it's starting to not sound so bad to move back and live with him happily ever after. I think he's talked her into quitting school and moving back to SC with him...away from all of her friends here who have been trying to talk some sense into her by asking her to slow down and be careful with him. He hit on mine and Brandi's other good friend Jessi, right in front of Brandi (grabbing her ass and stuff) and Brandi just laughed it off and said it was cute. Then, Brandi told Jessi that Chris has been talking to her about the two of them having a baby! They've been seeing each other less than 2 months and HE'S STILL MARRIED!!!! I love my best friend very much, and I'm so worried for her. I know she's had bad luck with guys in the past, and I know she was very lonely- she kept telling me she wanted a life like what I have with my boyfriend. So now, as soon as this guy came along talking all sweet, she fell for it. hook. line. sinker. And, as it is when you think you're in "love"...if someone tells you it's not how it is, you never can see it. I just don't know what to do. I feel like she's severing ties between us and between her and her other friends...partly because she's leaving and partly because he wants her to. And that's not right. I know I can't change it, though, and she has to make her own mistakes. *sigh* I just wish I could help.
In less dysfunctional relationship news, and in closing, just when I think I couldn't possibly love my man more, or that he couldn't possibly make me feel any happier, he goes and does something that completely makes me eat my words. A couple things, actually.
1. I have chronic nightmares. Like these vivd, horrible, wake-up-crying-in-a-cold-sweat nightmares. And, they always seem to hit the hardest when I'm experiencing a little bit of insomnia. I had a hard time falling asleep the other night, and sure enough, as soon as I did, I had this horrible dream. He came to bed just a few minutes after I woke up, almost in tears and unable to catch my breath. I couldn't even remember the dream and it had me that upset. He calmed me down, wrapped his arms around me and said, "Don't worry. I'll protect you now. I'm always going to be here to protect you."
2. Next morning, after about 1.5 hours of sleep, I get up for work. I tried to be really quiet, because I thought he was still asleep. Just as I was getting out of bed, he grabbed my hand and pulled me over to him. He says, "Guess what?", to which I respond, of course, with, "What?" I was expecting him to tickle me or pop my bra or something and go "That's what!"- something silly like he tends to do, but he just looked at me and said, "I love you sooo much." What a way to start my day. I'm such a lucky girl.
3. His friend Lyle, and Lyle's sister Elizabeth had a party the other night. My boyfriend couldn't go because he had to work, but he told me Elizabeth really wanted me there. So I decided to go. I was worried about not knowing anyone but her and Lyle, and then he said his friend James was going, and he wanted to ride over there with me. At the party, Elizabeth was blitzed when I got there, so I spent the entire evening talking to James and Lyle. So, they start telling me how serious my boyfriend is about me, because they know him so well, and they know if a girl ever moved in with him, she was the one. We had a good time talking- they didn't know me very well before that- just as the girlfriend. Later, he comes home from work telling me Lyle and James thought I was really cool and that they were glad he found me and stuff.
It turns out he had suggested I go to the party so they could get to know me. Not many of the girlfriends any of the guys in his group have had have ever tried to take the time to become friends with the rest of the group- they all were just "so and so's girlfriend". I took the time to become actual friends with them, on an individual level, and he and they thought it was awesome.
*Sigh* I LOVE HIM!
PS. I want a beagle puppy. I shall name him Snoopy if I ever get him.
PS2. I
you guys! VIEW 23 of 23 COMMENTS
Ah yeah, me too..Salvation Army is coming Thursday, and all my shoes will be gone. Havent used any in like 3 yrs..maybe used a few 2 times the most. How bad! I had a sick mind when it came to buying shoes. I OD-ed basically.
Im glad youre ok..and with what u have going on, I can see why youre MIA.
I just got an email from him. He hadnt mentioned my birthday until I said something but only because being out to see makes you loose track of time and he's up way early and sleeps late.(his excuse) His daughter's birthday is 1 day before mine...how convenient.
I miss ya is all.
[Edited on May 11, 2005 12:43AM]