Hey guys! I've been a shitty friend lately, but it's because I've been moving! I'm finally in and settled. And the house is all put together, too!! I love how it looks! I can't really explain it, but I promise I'll have pictures soon! It's got just a unique flair to it...I love decorating. When we get a little extra money, I'm going to get a few more little things to put around, but for the most part, it's done. We've got curtains up and everything. All of his buddies came over and they were like, "Damn! It looks like a real place to live in here!" Then, they started ribbing him about losing his bachelor pad...but he just smiled and said it was worth it. 
I realized some things, today, too. I have this great sense of happiness...something I've never truly felt before. I've exchanged everything that's been bringing me down for so long for this fulfilling piece of a fantastic life with a person that loves me for who and what I am...it's refreshingly incredible. Being true to yourself really does make it much easier to be happy!!
This satisfaction and happiness is something you've all heard me rattle on about...probably to the point of not wanting to hear it anymore...but I only ramble on so much because this is a relatively new concept to me. Who would've thought that I could be happy with myself? Things don't traditionally work out for me, particularly when it comes to committments of extended amounts of time or deeper depths of seriousness. As a result, I was always expecting the bottom to fall out of everything I committed myself to, in effect, I believe, ruining the chances of success. When you expect disaster, it makes you less dedicated to what you're doing- it's going to fail anyway, so why work at it? Even though that type of thought process does still creep into my mind, this sense of satisfaction I have comes from knowing that this time, things aren't going to be how they have been. He, and my life in general aside from him, are completely different at this stage of the game.
Don't get me wrong, I know this stuff isn't going to be perfect- I'm still rational enough to realize there will be problems/disagreements along the way- I'm optimistic and idealistic, but still rational. I know that this time, though, the problems and disagreements won't fester and boil, they'll be worked out...because both of us are dedicated to the relationship. I'm not striving for the "perfect" relationship- I wasted too much time and energy doing that with others who failed miserably. I am perfectly content with taking life and love head on with all it's imperfections and idiosyncracies...as long as everything is approached and presented honestly. I know that the little things are what matters, and the little disagreements that pop up along the way will strengthen us rather than distance us, because they'll be handled with honesty and love.
I know I still have financial problems- but the end for those is in sight. A few will linger for a while longer, but they'll be taken care of eventually. I've got wildly wonderful support systems in my life now that I've never seen before....they've always been there...they've just been overlooked. It's clearer than ever to me now that problems are temporary...happiness is permanent, not the other way around.
Another great realization- spurred by a few of your comments in my journals and some emails- I'm surrounded by such a great group of people...friends and family. Thank you guys for being here for me. I haven't ever seen your faces in person, or heard any of your voices, but you've been such strong points of support in my life at times when I felt completely abandoned. My family and I are closer than ever, because I've realized the value in their words and actions...my real life friends are seeing a new and different me...it's wonderful. I am no longer choosing my friends based on whether or not they need my "help"...I'm not a fixer of persons...I'm a friend. It's taken me a long time to realize that not only can you not fix other people...you have to fix yourself before you can truly be anything to other people. All of the people in my life are so brilliantly unique, and I'm lucky to have each and every one. I'm living "the life" and didn't even realize it! I almost let it slip through my fingers beause I was so hung up on what I had done and what had happened in the past. Worrying and regretting the past- the rape, the drug use, the eating disorder, the bad decisions in men, quitting school...everything- wasn't doing anything to help me grow and prosper. The past won't change...it can't be changed. All I can do is take what's happened and what I've learned and approach everything differently, with the knowledge I've gleaned from all the experiences. I realized that I can't plan out my future, because my present is still evolving. Loose plans, maybe, but not like I had been. I'm going to be free...who knows what I'll end up doing. I know the general field my career will be in, but what to do? The options are still being explored. How can I set down a future, when I am still exploring? If you lose focus of today, then you miss out on 24 potentially mind-blowing hours trying to plan something that may never happen..and you miss out on all those little moments that make life golden.
Well, kids, that mini-motivational speech/entry was free of charge. The next one will cost ya... When my self help book comes out, I'll make sure you all get autographed copies. 
Seriously though, I love you guys, and I'm lucky to have a great set of friends!! Hugs all around!
And, PICS ARE COMING! I PROMISE!!
I realized some things, today, too. I have this great sense of happiness...something I've never truly felt before. I've exchanged everything that's been bringing me down for so long for this fulfilling piece of a fantastic life with a person that loves me for who and what I am...it's refreshingly incredible. Being true to yourself really does make it much easier to be happy!!
This satisfaction and happiness is something you've all heard me rattle on about...probably to the point of not wanting to hear it anymore...but I only ramble on so much because this is a relatively new concept to me. Who would've thought that I could be happy with myself? Things don't traditionally work out for me, particularly when it comes to committments of extended amounts of time or deeper depths of seriousness. As a result, I was always expecting the bottom to fall out of everything I committed myself to, in effect, I believe, ruining the chances of success. When you expect disaster, it makes you less dedicated to what you're doing- it's going to fail anyway, so why work at it? Even though that type of thought process does still creep into my mind, this sense of satisfaction I have comes from knowing that this time, things aren't going to be how they have been. He, and my life in general aside from him, are completely different at this stage of the game.
Don't get me wrong, I know this stuff isn't going to be perfect- I'm still rational enough to realize there will be problems/disagreements along the way- I'm optimistic and idealistic, but still rational. I know that this time, though, the problems and disagreements won't fester and boil, they'll be worked out...because both of us are dedicated to the relationship. I'm not striving for the "perfect" relationship- I wasted too much time and energy doing that with others who failed miserably. I am perfectly content with taking life and love head on with all it's imperfections and idiosyncracies...as long as everything is approached and presented honestly. I know that the little things are what matters, and the little disagreements that pop up along the way will strengthen us rather than distance us, because they'll be handled with honesty and love.
I know I still have financial problems- but the end for those is in sight. A few will linger for a while longer, but they'll be taken care of eventually. I've got wildly wonderful support systems in my life now that I've never seen before....they've always been there...they've just been overlooked. It's clearer than ever to me now that problems are temporary...happiness is permanent, not the other way around.
Another great realization- spurred by a few of your comments in my journals and some emails- I'm surrounded by such a great group of people...friends and family. Thank you guys for being here for me. I haven't ever seen your faces in person, or heard any of your voices, but you've been such strong points of support in my life at times when I felt completely abandoned. My family and I are closer than ever, because I've realized the value in their words and actions...my real life friends are seeing a new and different me...it's wonderful. I am no longer choosing my friends based on whether or not they need my "help"...I'm not a fixer of persons...I'm a friend. It's taken me a long time to realize that not only can you not fix other people...you have to fix yourself before you can truly be anything to other people. All of the people in my life are so brilliantly unique, and I'm lucky to have each and every one. I'm living "the life" and didn't even realize it! I almost let it slip through my fingers beause I was so hung up on what I had done and what had happened in the past. Worrying and regretting the past- the rape, the drug use, the eating disorder, the bad decisions in men, quitting school...everything- wasn't doing anything to help me grow and prosper. The past won't change...it can't be changed. All I can do is take what's happened and what I've learned and approach everything differently, with the knowledge I've gleaned from all the experiences. I realized that I can't plan out my future, because my present is still evolving. Loose plans, maybe, but not like I had been. I'm going to be free...who knows what I'll end up doing. I know the general field my career will be in, but what to do? The options are still being explored. How can I set down a future, when I am still exploring? If you lose focus of today, then you miss out on 24 potentially mind-blowing hours trying to plan something that may never happen..and you miss out on all those little moments that make life golden.
Well, kids, that mini-motivational speech/entry was free of charge. The next one will cost ya...
When my self help book comes out, I'll make sure you all get autographed copies.
Seriously though, I love you guys, and I'm lucky to have a great set of friends!! Hugs all around!
And, PICS ARE COMING! I PROMISE!!
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-Josh