doll_

this blog is disjointed, hard to read and rife with run on sentences, shoddy grammar and emotional bullshit. enjoy.

these two photos moved me to tears.
the first is of someone i never had the privilege of truly knowing, but occupies a very special place in my heart.
the other is of one of the most important people in my life to date.
my best friend is hurting. and when she hurts i feel as if the whole world is closing in.
i wish there was some way i could lift the pain of her existence. shoulder some of the burden so that she does not have to struggle so hard through each day. she's been dealt enough tough hands.
if i could pray to this effect, and someone would hear me i would. there is nothing i wish for more in my life than for my loved ones to be happy. to be comfortable, to be comforted.i've been lost in a world of happiness and have been ignoring the real world. i've been ignoring the fact that life is still happening around me and even to myself.

after so long of living each gritty, shitty day from start to finish, a beautiful dream pulling me through, i've turned off for a bit, and just have been enjoying this incredible gift i have been given. i wake up wondering most mornings if it's a mistake, pinching myself to be sure it's real.
things in england are wonderful in many ways. in others not so super.
i came here with one plan of how things were going to be, and when i arrived, life took me in a different direction without asking, as it usually does. i had grand visions of coming here and helping.. helping my boyfriend, helping my bestie, and being one big happy family.
in reality, i arrive, shit happens, and i am the one that needs the help.
NOT what i wanted to happen. NOT how i like things.
i know, control. i need to give it up. but i'm not used to that. i am used to making things happen for myself. i'm used to having a goal in sight, and pursuing it with all my might til' it's mine.
i should have known that all the planning in the world couldn't prepare me for a move this big.

i complain, even though i am so fortunate to have a small precious network of people that love me unconditionally, whom provide invaluable moral support and, quite new to me i finally have a partner in life, my boyfriend, truly my other best friend, whom has an incredible and immense capacity beyond his years of sensing what i need emotionally etc. and has been absolutely incredible. i love it here, the people have been super nice for the most part, aside from taking the piss out of me at every second for my "accent".

the truth is, in the past weeks proceeding my move to the uk, some things happened, many of them i kept to myself, just wanting them to be over. just focusing on getting on that plane.
among the most notable, and least important of issues, is the fact that my ex is trying to fuck with me again. he just cant seem to get enough now that he knows i have moved on and am happy.
it has caused my bank account to be frozen until further notice.. yes. i have 20 quid to my name.

the more important issue is the fact that my family has disowned me. as of two days ago.
i ask myself if it really matters, as it's just my mother and her boyfriend.
the only person i really care about is my sister, but we don't talk much... or as much as i would like to any more. (due to a whole other ball of issues)
after all, this was all about me starting a new life and having a new beginning, so it would make sense to wipe the slate clean completely.
in a way i'm relieved. in another i'm at a loss.
coming to terms with all the bullshit in my family, before leaving was important to me, but my mother pushed me to reveal some details about some things that happened to me during my childhood that i never intended to reveal and were way out of my comfort zone. it was painful to open those wounds again. i had put them to bed.. laid them to rest.
i find her disowning so gutting for this reason. she made me pick at the scab. it had healed so nicely... pushed down as far as it would go into the depths of my soul....and though I am pretty sure it is her way of coping, how does she think i've done so all these years? i never had the choice to say, "oh, yeah, fuck off, i don't even want to talk to you or see you again". out of sight out of mind.
had i been able to do so, life would be much different for the better, i guarantee.

this blog is going nowhere. i think really i needed to use it to let go. to finally let go of all the baggage before it creeps into this marvelous vignette i'm standing in the middle of, and ruins it too. i'm not going to let it.

so.

figuratively, and literally, here goes.

to you, who took so much of me, with out even deserving one tenth of what you got, i'm done with you. i was done long ago, but i simply won't give you the power any more. this last effort on your part was low, and dirty. you fucked me, yes. that was your goal. but i will get through it as no matter what you try to pull, i am here. i made it out. away.
and... i'm happy.
to you the one person that i was supposed to trust implicitly. the one person whom was never supposed to wrong me.. the one person that wronged me in the biggest possible way. seriously. i don't even hate you. i forgive you. i don't pity you, i wish you redemption. i do however wish you to leave my life forever. living without you has been hard, but if you think about it, you were never who you were supposed to be any way. i've gotten along without you as a figure in my life. i'll not let the scars of doing so mar my existence any longer. i'm free of you. of your bruises, the emotional scars. i wish for you absolution one day of the profound guilt you must feel. if you have a heart or a soul.. which i'm not sure you possess.
to you that linger and steal my thoughts when i leave them to wander, fuck off.
to you that make little appearances when you want to shake my foundation, when you want to make me weak, when you want to cloud my vision, be gone. i won't let you any more.
to you who made me feel like i didn't deserve all the wonderful things i have now, who made me believe that i wasn't talented enough, wasn't interesting enough, beautiful enough, strong enough confident enough.... i am all of those things and more. how wrong you were. i'm finished with listening to your chirping in my ear. i am fucking fantastic, and strength? this woman is build stronger than a sherman tank.... die in a fire.
to you that tried to control me.. keep me under wraps. all i can do is laugh. laugh til' i cry. at you. be gone.
and to you... you... just all of you.. throughout my whole life you questioned me. you never understood. i hoped you would, but you never did. i don't care to explain to you any more. i don't need to. i follow my heart. does that make me "passionate, and willful" and "unrealistic and a dreamer" yes. yes it does. beauty, truth, love, art. thats what i live for. you should try it sometime. might make your whole existence less petty, nugatory and hollow.

right.. so. that's it. god i feel better already o.O






i believe in the future.