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Camelot.

Member Since 2004

Followers 74 Following 185

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Sunday Jun 24, 2007

Jun 24, 2007
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days like today make life worth while. but then bring cause to pause.
me time.
all alone.
70 degrees, white puffy clouds, blue skies. slight breeze, my wind chimes gently lull my thoughts to calm musings while sitting in my lounger in my back yard.
i just opened the most sublime bottle of wine, crisp and cold. on the little table next to me, a lovely little plate of humbolt fog, freshly baked bread and ripe, chocolate covered straw berries.
looking through rose colored lenses at my shiny red toe nails, wigling in the sun. tipping my head back to watch the clouds float by. perusing the interweb on my laptop, completely ignoring my e-mail.. no doubt full with work related things that i am going to put off until tomorrow.
but i ask you....where are the scantily clad men and women feeding me grapes and rubbing my shoulders?
where is the excitement and frivolity gone in my life?
the grind. that daily grind.
it gets to me you know? doing what you love. pushing further for success. numbers. deadlines. where does "life" fit in to all of this? there is no time to examine dreams. and progress to those things that bring joy to one's heart and soul not just their pocket book.
so thoughts shift more often than not now in times of reflection to mortality. hopes and fears come flooding in at times like these. the ever so seldom times like these. but flooding they do come when the mind is allowed to be idle.
a sense of urgency washes over me like a thick panic. my time on this earth is so little. my successes so miniscule in the scale of things. all of my failures so magnified. my blessings all dually noted, seem un-deserved in so many ways. highlighted in such sharp contrast to where i have been. and the wrongs i have tried to right. i wonder.. when does it all begin? or has it ended already, and am i too late.
is this all there is? and then... well. .. it is the end. come too soon.
twenty seven years has passed me by. and in a flash.
what do the next twenty seven years hold?
i would rather not be left to wonder. i would rather make my own destiny.
but am i doing enough to ensure that it is mine. and not just what is expected of me. what do i have to prove to any one but myself?

VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
tafkasp:
hey there. i wanted to say "hi" since i haven't said hello to you since you've been back. i just wanted to let you know that i'm glad you are.

yes, this life is a veritable cornucopia of wonder and weirdness; a vast array of questions without answers; it is indeed, a mystery. i think you're on the right path though -- self-examination being key -- even though, at times, it may seem we can drive ourselves crazy with it. but i have a feeling you'll do just fine.

hope you're well. smile
Jun 24, 2007
holliday:
When one starts to creep in on the big 3-0...thoughts like these become pretty common. You start to question everything...all the shit in your life you've worked so hard to accomplish, you begin to wonder if it was all worth it...are you REALLY on the path you want to be? I'm not much into astrology...BUT there is an astrological event that occurs for everyone right around this age which would inspire such things...

That warm fuzzy bullshit aside...it's a good time to do just that...re-assess... And no, it doesn't have to be some big dramatic life changey thing...just take a look. If you run across something you're not sure about...look a little closer. Since I turned 29 (when this happened to me) my life has done about a million flip flops..and no, it hasn't all been easy...but I'm coming out the other side of it now and while it's strange to realize I have some unrealized goals...I couldn't be happier.

LOVE YOU!!! love
Jun 24, 2007

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