dodraibeid

THE RUNDOWN

Well, St. Patricks week has come and gone, and what an epic week it was. Really, I should have updated this sooner, but Ive been busy reeling from the hangover. I realize that its been a solid month, and that hangovers generally dont last a solid month, nor do they cause lumps on ones testicles. I also realize that I should see a doctor for the hangover as well as the lump on my testicle, but I havent been able to get it together to write a summary of the goings on for the week, much less make an appointment to see a medic who will overcharge me to tell me what I already know. That I have a hangover. And cancer. Anyway.

Sunday

This year we decided to throw down for the heroes and other close friends a night early. Im sorry if we neglected to invite you, but Im pretty sure we didnt forget anybody. If you feel slighted by the lack of an invitation, youre probably just a little too self important for us to invite. So fuck off. So Sunday night, we had a party. And a lot of people showed up. And we drank. Look. Ill be honest here. I dont remember everything. There are a lot of pictures, though. I dont have a clue when some of them are from. I know a lot of shit happened. Fire, music, drinking, explosions, some special guests, things like that. I know none of that stuff occurred on Sunday. I was as quiet as quiet gets in that house. We lit Lenin, blew some fire at it, got drunk, went to bed and didnt get up until the next morning when we got a telephone call from Officer Obie. Obie said, Kid, we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of garbage.

Actually, I dont know anyone named Obie, and the week was serenely cop-free. But as I dont fucking remember what happened, Im going to make up some other completely untrue shit just to fluff up the story a bit. See if you can spot it.

Monday

Theres this guy I used to work with, Carlos. I hadnt seen him since he left the employ of the company I work for, (lucky son of a bitch) which was something on the order of a year ago. So he came over with Tony, of Heroes Page fame, and was blind stinking drunk. While we struggled to catch up to his level of non-sobriety, he kept us entertained as he performed his one-man stage production, Carlos is Blind Stinking Drunk. This is the show that gave us the classic lines: Im not gonna drunk or be ridiculoush. And lets not forget the immortal Dude, don go to that bar. Itsh like five dollarsh away. Its a very avant-garde production.

The show ended early, as Carlos had to work in the morning. Hes a street performer, by trade. He does a Theatre of the Oppressed act called Carlos is Not Blind Stinking Drunk. So Carlos left, and after that several of us decided to get a kiddy pool and some instant mashed potatoes and have a St. Patricks Week mashed potato orgy. That was fun.

Tuesday

We woke up in a puddle of near frozen mashed potatoes, and after some uncomfortable Good mornings, I made some coffee. We sat around playing video games for several hours before a guy that looked EXACTLY like Lemmy (without the mole or the beard, and black) walked in the door. He walked up to the fridge and removed a beer. Who are you? I asked.

Im Greg. Im a friend of Genes. he said.

I dont know who Gene is. I said.

You should meet him. Hes a great guy.

Without another word, he sat down on the couch and proceeded to spank our asses at Simpsons Road Rage. The guy was unbeatable with professor Frink. People started to flow in the door, one at a time, then two-by-two, then in droves as though they were Mongol hordes descending upon some place that Mongolia invaded. The time came when we realized that we had not been paying proper respect to the roof, and we went up on it to jump off of it. Buddy and I went up with a gentleman named Adam, and another gentleman named Quiche. No sooner did we go up there than we hear a crack, and we were no longer standing on the roof. Well, two of us werent. It took me a minute to realize that the roof had collapsed under my feet and I had fallen off as a result. But at least I didnt spill my drink. So we had a very big man by the name of Matthew help us prop it up. And there it sits to this day. Propped up with a broom handle. Then I think I punched somebody. Im not sure though. If I did, Im sorry, and I didnt mean it.

Wednesday

So this is usually when things begin to pick up for us on St. Patricks Week. St. Patricks Eve. This year did not disappoint in the slightest. The house was absolutely packed, and um, a bunch of stuff happened. I know we had two guests from far enough away that they had to really like us to show up. There was the Kittens best friend, Kristine, all the way from Vermont. She showed up with a liver that was a force to be reckoned with. Drank whole tumblers full of hard liquor, that one did. Then there was the lovely Goob, from way up in the nigh upon unreachable parts of PA. It is because of this woman that I have irrefutable evidence that Dec and myself stood on a table screaming rebel songs at the top of our lungs. For that, I will never forgive her.

Thursday

The Big Day. St. Patricks was here at last. To be perfectly honest (just like I have been for the entire rest of The Rundown), I dont remember anything save for one critical piece of information. Ronny, The Big R, decided he was going to breathe fire while he was intoxicated. This resulted in the first ever St. Patricks Week injury. Ronny lit his face on fire. Bravo, Ronny. Bravo. Fucker.

Friday

Ah, wind down. In some ways this is my favorite part of the week. In others, not so much. This is the night when people come over and pay their final respects for the week. We have a few drinks, sit around, and just bullshit.

Unless, of course, your best friend comes over belligerent and drunk as a skunk. Hurricane Liz blew in the front door and insulted everyone. We love Liz dearly, but shes fuckin lucky she didnt get smacked.

So there it is, children. The Rundown. Now I'll be free to write all of those things I told myself I couldn't write until I finished The Rundown.

See you next year! Also, go to the site. Sometime tomorrow. Cause there's gonna be picture and probably more video.