Last night we received this transmission from The House, top secret headquarters for the spy organization that we were involved with back in Nam:
To: Dod Raibeid, smoalne
From: The House
Re: Operation Black Bag
Youve both just been reactivated. Welcome back. Heres your mission. Trash day isnt until Thursday, and what with the dignitaries being here all week, you need to empty all trash into black bags and find unguarded dumpsters to put it in. Do this tonight, as we forgot all about it all week. And now it is an emergency. Message will self destruct in like five seconds or so. Give or take, depending on how fast you can read.
The message burst into flame, because as I read it, smaolne was holding a lighter to the bottom of it. The House was never into the high tech stuff. Ms sencillo, mientras no necesariamente mejor, es mucho ms barato. That was our mantra. Simpler, while not necessarily better, is much cheaper.
MISSION LOG
3/12/05 23:13- We got down to business. We loaded up the black bags with trash of all kinds. It wasnt our job to discriminate, just to throw away trash. Boxes, papers, bottles, if we werent using it, it went. I picked up a deep fryer off the floor. Broken. Away it went. Id have asked what a broken deep fryer filled with oil was doing on the floor, if we were there to ask questions. But thats like the fourth or fifth rule of The House. Dont ask questions. It would have been the first rule, but the brass thought it would give off too much of a Project Mayhem vibe.
3/13/05 00:01- All in all, we filled six black 32 gallon bags with garbage so foul even Mother Theresa wouldnt try to help it. I mean, not that Mother Theresa helped garbage, its just that she helped everyone and everything, so if garbage needed nevermind. The stuff smelled awful. Commence loading.
3/13/05 00:09- The transport was loaded and ready. Wed have to complete the operation in two phases, because there was a shitload of trash, and all we had was smaolnes Nissan P.O.S. 950x. . Ms sencillo, mientras no necesariamente mejor, es mucho ms barato. We were making good time. And the first rule of being a spy is to always be cool. I mean thats why we got into this business in the first place. To be cool. So we stood in front of The House and smoke a cigarette before moving into phase one of Operation Black Bag.
3/13/05 00:14- Phase one commenced. We searched for a dumpster that wasnt under surveillance. Target One, the dumpster behind Wawa, was watched on closed circuit video.
3/13/05 00:30- Target Two, in the apartment complex across the street from Wawa, however, was clean. We entered the complex from the back, and drove through to the dumpster. We unloaded our packages, and peeled out like bats out of Hell that happened to be dumping illegally and driving a Nissan P.O.S. 950x. I noticed that the fryer had leaked oil all over the back seat, and that it was gross.
3/13/05 00:47- Returned to The House to begin phase two. Aqua Teen was on, so we watched an episode that before we left again.
3/13/05 01:00- Loaded transport and smoked again.
3/13/05 01:04- Commenced Phase Two. This time we stayed closer to home. The enemy never expects you to do that. We knew they were out there, and theyd be watching every dumpster for fifty miles. But we also had a sneaking suspicion that they werent really going to be doing that at all. Then we figured they were just trying to lull us into a false sense of security. But then we thought that maybe they just wanted us to think they were lulling us into a false sense of security, but they werent really everywhere, but they didnt want us to know that. Then we considered the possibility that there was no enemy at all. Either way, we decided to drop the packages in a dumpster at one of the dorms down the street.
3/13/05 01:17- We approached the dumpster with our lights off. We unloaded the packages and would have radioed back to The House, but we didnt have a radio. And it was really late. We didnt think anyone would be up. Then we realized that both of us were there, and there was no one at The House. The we realized that meant The House was completely unguarded. We peeled out like really fast bats out of Hell that were driving a Nissan.
3/13/05 01:24- MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
END MISSION LOG
To: Dod Raibeid, smoalne
From: The House
Re: Operation Black Bag
Youve both just been reactivated. Welcome back. Heres your mission. Trash day isnt until Thursday, and what with the dignitaries being here all week, you need to empty all trash into black bags and find unguarded dumpsters to put it in. Do this tonight, as we forgot all about it all week. And now it is an emergency. Message will self destruct in like five seconds or so. Give or take, depending on how fast you can read.
The message burst into flame, because as I read it, smaolne was holding a lighter to the bottom of it. The House was never into the high tech stuff. Ms sencillo, mientras no necesariamente mejor, es mucho ms barato. That was our mantra. Simpler, while not necessarily better, is much cheaper.
MISSION LOG
3/12/05 23:13- We got down to business. We loaded up the black bags with trash of all kinds. It wasnt our job to discriminate, just to throw away trash. Boxes, papers, bottles, if we werent using it, it went. I picked up a deep fryer off the floor. Broken. Away it went. Id have asked what a broken deep fryer filled with oil was doing on the floor, if we were there to ask questions. But thats like the fourth or fifth rule of The House. Dont ask questions. It would have been the first rule, but the brass thought it would give off too much of a Project Mayhem vibe.
3/13/05 00:01- All in all, we filled six black 32 gallon bags with garbage so foul even Mother Theresa wouldnt try to help it. I mean, not that Mother Theresa helped garbage, its just that she helped everyone and everything, so if garbage needed nevermind. The stuff smelled awful. Commence loading.
3/13/05 00:09- The transport was loaded and ready. Wed have to complete the operation in two phases, because there was a shitload of trash, and all we had was smaolnes Nissan P.O.S. 950x. . Ms sencillo, mientras no necesariamente mejor, es mucho ms barato. We were making good time. And the first rule of being a spy is to always be cool. I mean thats why we got into this business in the first place. To be cool. So we stood in front of The House and smoke a cigarette before moving into phase one of Operation Black Bag.
3/13/05 00:14- Phase one commenced. We searched for a dumpster that wasnt under surveillance. Target One, the dumpster behind Wawa, was watched on closed circuit video.
3/13/05 00:30- Target Two, in the apartment complex across the street from Wawa, however, was clean. We entered the complex from the back, and drove through to the dumpster. We unloaded our packages, and peeled out like bats out of Hell that happened to be dumping illegally and driving a Nissan P.O.S. 950x. I noticed that the fryer had leaked oil all over the back seat, and that it was gross.
3/13/05 00:47- Returned to The House to begin phase two. Aqua Teen was on, so we watched an episode that before we left again.
3/13/05 01:00- Loaded transport and smoked again.
3/13/05 01:04- Commenced Phase Two. This time we stayed closer to home. The enemy never expects you to do that. We knew they were out there, and theyd be watching every dumpster for fifty miles. But we also had a sneaking suspicion that they werent really going to be doing that at all. Then we figured they were just trying to lull us into a false sense of security. But then we thought that maybe they just wanted us to think they were lulling us into a false sense of security, but they werent really everywhere, but they didnt want us to know that. Then we considered the possibility that there was no enemy at all. Either way, we decided to drop the packages in a dumpster at one of the dorms down the street.
3/13/05 01:17- We approached the dumpster with our lights off. We unloaded the packages and would have radioed back to The House, but we didnt have a radio. And it was really late. We didnt think anyone would be up. Then we realized that both of us were there, and there was no one at The House. The we realized that meant The House was completely unguarded. We peeled out like really fast bats out of Hell that were driving a Nissan.
3/13/05 01:24- MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
END MISSION LOG
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
i want to come back...
but i think i will stay away. i have to control myself.