dodraibeid

In exactly one day, I'll have worked where I work for three years. Someone kill me.

On the bright side, I found all the old archives from the radio show that we posted online. If any of you feel like listening to highlights from what happens when you put 3-15 jackasses in the same room together with microphones for 4 hours at a time, go here.
Also, I decided to post something I wrote a long time ago. It's the first thing I ever wrote simply because I felt like being unreasonable. And today, I feel like being unreasonable. But I don't feel like writing. So here goes...
THE ABORTION DEBATE

I love the abortion debate. It's the onl topic where in a matter of minutes, total strangers will band togetherto scream at other total strangers about whether or not a bundle of rapidly multiplying cells qualifies as a baby or not. As a male, I don't really feel justified in having any opinion at all on the subject. In fact, I think the only man that can have an opinion on abortion is the ice cream man.
If you think about it, they're the ones who should be making abortion laws, not impotent politicians like Bob Dole who can't knock anybody up anyway. Ice cream men are the ones who are truely affected by abortion anyway. I mean, we have welfare and adoption services for the mothers of unwanted children, ice cream men don't even have a union! And come on! The poor guyus drive around all day in paper hat trying to sell frozen treats to little kids, and these fuckin abortion doctors are killing off all their business!
Now, I know what you're thinking. "What about the Good Ol' Mr. Wilsons and W.C. Fields of the world? What would our beloved Crotchety Old Bastards do if abortion was outlawed and the world was suddenly overrun with Dennis Mitchells, Beaver Cleavers, and God forbid Eddie Haskalls? The Suicide rate for Crotchety Old Bastards would skyrocket! Then we'd have a shitload of younf whippersnappers with no Crotchety Old Bastards to take out their youthful mischievious agressions upon.
What can the solution be to this ongiong problem? I say we let the Ice Cream Men and Crotchety Old Bastards decide. Of course, simple debate isn't going to work. No one, ever, in the history of the known universe, has ever changed their mind on aborton mid-debate. Ever. Think about it. WHen was the last time you ever heard anyone say "Good point." while spitting demons at some near stranger who dared have a different opinion on abortion than they did? Never. That said, old men through history have earned a reputation for being the stubbornest sons of bitches in the universe. Being that Ice Cream Men are all old men, (Yes they are. Shut up. Don't come at me with fuckin facts and shit. I got no use for 'em.)and to be a Crotchety Old Bastard you must first be Crotchety and secondly, be Old, I really don't see anyone winning that argument.

With all this in mind, I have an alternative solution. I propose a declaration of war.
We pit Mr. Tasty agains Mr. Burns. The prize? The fate of unborn fetuses everywhere! If the Ice Cream Men win, abortion is abolished completely! But if The Crotchety Old Bastards win, it's mandatory!
Hell, televise the war! It's about time people were slaughtered on national TV anyway! The proceeds from advertising go to the winning team! So at the end of the war, either the Crotchety Old Bastards get their own "Slow as shit" lane on I-95 or every Ice Cream Man on Earth gets a new, tricked out ice cream truck with mac wheels and a state-of-the-art Ice Cream Deployment Device (I.C.D.D). And hats made out of cloth for Chrissakes!

So rise up America! Arm Ice Cream Men and Crotchety Old Bastards today! Pull out your camcorders and send the war to Fox! The time has come for REVOLUTION!!!