WARNING: I am in a salty mood. The following events happened as described. My inner monologue is in italics.
I work as a tech support monkey for a large broadband ISP. Sometimes I take a call that defies sanity, logic, and all other forms of rational thought.
The following is an account of just such an instance:
XWellThenX: This is XWellThen X in the online division, how can I help you?
Lady: Yes. Your co-worker didn't want to deal with me, so he just hung up on me.
Joy. This oughta be fun.
XWTX: What seems to be the problem?
L: I can't get online.
XWTX: Okay, what happens when you try?
L: My computer locks up.
XWTX: Your whole computer? You can't do anything?
L: Right. I can't do anything. It freezes.
XWTX: I'm sorry, ma'am. You're going to have to contact your computer manufacturer.
Here it comes... "Why?"
L: Why?
Ha!
XWTX: Well, you see [long winded explanation about the demarcation line of support designed to do one of two things. If she's a normal human being, it'll over explain what we support, what we don't support, and the reasoning behind all of it. If she's not, hopefully it'll just confuse the shit out of her and she'll say "Oh." and hang up.] Ok?
L: So what are you saying?
XWTX: I'm saying you need to call the computer manufacturer.
L: So you're just going to wash your hands of this situation?
Exactly.
XWTX: Well, ma'm, like I said, [concise reiteration of the above speech.]
L: I don't understand. I can't get online! Why won't you help?
I wonder if you're legally retarded.
XWTX: Essentially, your house is on fire and you're calling the plumber because you can't get any cold water. There's a larger issue here that is causing the issue that you're calling about. Hoever, once the "fire" is out, you'll be able to get "cold water" again. D'you understand?
Hee hee. Stupid people love analogies.
L: [Whiney diatribe about how my company always does this, how the last guy said the same thing, how all she wants to do is get her email, etc. I wasn't really paying attention because I've heard all of this before. I went back to reading Helter Skelter about two sentences into it.]...and I think it's because you just don't want to admit that your company is losing the battle!
(Suddenly paying attention) Huh?
XWTX: Uh...what?
L: There's a battle going on in my computer, and AOL is winning! AOL is stronger that you!
AOL is... WHAT? What is she talking about?
XWTX: With all due respect, ma'am... What are you talking about?
L: Every time my teenager installs AOL on the computer, it messes up your stuff because AOL is stronger, and you don't want to admit it!
XWTX: [Explanation of why this is not really the right way of explaining it, but that, yes, AOL will mess with the settings on the machine. I begin to politely suggest that one way to fix the problem would be to TELL YOUR KID NOT FUCKIN INSTALL AOL, but I don't get further than...] ...will tend to mess with the settings quite a bit on the machine. The best way to get around that would be to--
L: Would be for you to make your software stronger!!!
What the hell is strong software?
XWTX: No, actually--
L: YES! AOL IS STRONG, AND YOU ARE WEAK!!!!
STRONG LIKE BULL!!
XWTX: Oooookay... Well, if you say so. You're gonna need to go ahead and call your computer manufacturer about the computer locking up.
L: My computer's not locking up!
WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE JUST SAY?!?!?
XWTX: It... it's not? But you just said-
I'm not crazy, am I? She told her shit was locking up, didn't she?
L: Well, I might have said it was locking up, but that doesn't mean that's what's happening.
Holy shit. I think I'm in the Twilight Zone.
XWTX: But... you just... you just said...
L: Look, when I click on my internet, the Gateway homepage comes up. I want your homepage to come up.
*blink blink*
XWTX: Oh. (Utterly confused) Well just click on... [steps to reset homepage. Problem is now solved.]
L: (Really pissed.) Now why didn't you tell me to do that when I first called in?!?!?
ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE, WOMAN??
XWTX: Because, ma'am--
L: STOP CALLING ME MA'AM!!!
What the hell...?
XWTX: Okay, fine. Because, LADY, you didn't tell me that was the problem.
L: Couldn't you TELL?!?
TELL?? Couldn't I TELL??? No, I couldn't tell! I'm sorry, but my weak ass company hasn't upgraded the service to FUCKING RUN ON MAGIC!!!
XWTX: ...No.
L: Well, if you would make your software stronger--
That's it.
XWTX: You can't make software stronger! Strength is not a property computers have! They're computers! They can't even argue much less stage a battle!
L: So you still don't want to admit it, huh? Fine! That's fine! One of these days, when AOL finally wins for good, you'll regret it. Cause nobody will be able to use your software BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO PROUD TO ADMIT IT WAS WEAK!
*click*
Think of a happy place...think of a happy place...
I work as a tech support monkey for a large broadband ISP. Sometimes I take a call that defies sanity, logic, and all other forms of rational thought.
The following is an account of just such an instance:
XWellThenX: This is XWellThen X in the online division, how can I help you?
Lady: Yes. Your co-worker didn't want to deal with me, so he just hung up on me.
Joy. This oughta be fun.
XWTX: What seems to be the problem?
L: I can't get online.
XWTX: Okay, what happens when you try?
L: My computer locks up.
XWTX: Your whole computer? You can't do anything?
L: Right. I can't do anything. It freezes.
XWTX: I'm sorry, ma'am. You're going to have to contact your computer manufacturer.
Here it comes... "Why?"
L: Why?
Ha!
XWTX: Well, you see [long winded explanation about the demarcation line of support designed to do one of two things. If she's a normal human being, it'll over explain what we support, what we don't support, and the reasoning behind all of it. If she's not, hopefully it'll just confuse the shit out of her and she'll say "Oh." and hang up.] Ok?
L: So what are you saying?
XWTX: I'm saying you need to call the computer manufacturer.
L: So you're just going to wash your hands of this situation?
Exactly.
XWTX: Well, ma'm, like I said, [concise reiteration of the above speech.]
L: I don't understand. I can't get online! Why won't you help?
I wonder if you're legally retarded.
XWTX: Essentially, your house is on fire and you're calling the plumber because you can't get any cold water. There's a larger issue here that is causing the issue that you're calling about. Hoever, once the "fire" is out, you'll be able to get "cold water" again. D'you understand?
Hee hee. Stupid people love analogies.
L: [Whiney diatribe about how my company always does this, how the last guy said the same thing, how all she wants to do is get her email, etc. I wasn't really paying attention because I've heard all of this before. I went back to reading Helter Skelter about two sentences into it.]...and I think it's because you just don't want to admit that your company is losing the battle!
(Suddenly paying attention) Huh?
XWTX: Uh...what?
L: There's a battle going on in my computer, and AOL is winning! AOL is stronger that you!
AOL is... WHAT? What is she talking about?
XWTX: With all due respect, ma'am... What are you talking about?
L: Every time my teenager installs AOL on the computer, it messes up your stuff because AOL is stronger, and you don't want to admit it!
XWTX: [Explanation of why this is not really the right way of explaining it, but that, yes, AOL will mess with the settings on the machine. I begin to politely suggest that one way to fix the problem would be to TELL YOUR KID NOT FUCKIN INSTALL AOL, but I don't get further than...] ...will tend to mess with the settings quite a bit on the machine. The best way to get around that would be to--
L: Would be for you to make your software stronger!!!
What the hell is strong software?
XWTX: No, actually--
L: YES! AOL IS STRONG, AND YOU ARE WEAK!!!!
STRONG LIKE BULL!!
XWTX: Oooookay... Well, if you say so. You're gonna need to go ahead and call your computer manufacturer about the computer locking up.
L: My computer's not locking up!
WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE JUST SAY?!?!?
XWTX: It... it's not? But you just said-
I'm not crazy, am I? She told her shit was locking up, didn't she?
L: Well, I might have said it was locking up, but that doesn't mean that's what's happening.
Holy shit. I think I'm in the Twilight Zone.
XWTX: But... you just... you just said...
L: Look, when I click on my internet, the Gateway homepage comes up. I want your homepage to come up.
*blink blink*
XWTX: Oh. (Utterly confused) Well just click on... [steps to reset homepage. Problem is now solved.]
L: (Really pissed.) Now why didn't you tell me to do that when I first called in?!?!?
ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE, WOMAN??
XWTX: Because, ma'am--
L: STOP CALLING ME MA'AM!!!
What the hell...?
XWTX: Okay, fine. Because, LADY, you didn't tell me that was the problem.
L: Couldn't you TELL?!?
TELL?? Couldn't I TELL??? No, I couldn't tell! I'm sorry, but my weak ass company hasn't upgraded the service to FUCKING RUN ON MAGIC!!!
XWTX: ...No.
L: Well, if you would make your software stronger--
That's it.
XWTX: You can't make software stronger! Strength is not a property computers have! They're computers! They can't even argue much less stage a battle!
L: So you still don't want to admit it, huh? Fine! That's fine! One of these days, when AOL finally wins for good, you'll regret it. Cause nobody will be able to use your software BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO PROUD TO ADMIT IT WAS WEAK!
*click*
Think of a happy place...think of a happy place...
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
New pussy still can't cook.