doctashock

I was born on this date just shy of a quarter century ago here in Toledo, OH. Now twenty-four years later to the day I will lie down in my metaphorical deathbed. Say good bye to the Jermaine thought you once knew and loved. He's gone now... he doesn't live here any more. He never really liked it here anyway.

I'm not suicidal... at least not literally. I've been through a lot of shit in the past couple years. I've had to do a lot of soul searching. Especially in the past few months. The sad thing is in the process everyone presented me with these expectations of what they want me to be and I've been so busy trying to live up to them I forgot what it is I want out of life.

So I'm ending this one. Why am I hanging on? There was a time when I thought I knew what would make me happy. Somewhere along the way I let others convince me that I deserved/needed more than that. I always told myself I'd rather struggle through life and be happy than to have a comfort zone and hate waking up to my self every morning. Kinda goes hand in hand with prefering to die on your feet than live on your knees.

What it comes down to is I know too much. I understand the establishment too well for my own good. I knew there was a reason I had dreams about Futuretrack 5 last night. I've let other peoples opinions define me. Everything I have is something I could ultimately survive without. I'm too resourceful not to. So I'm completely letting go. Hell... a fucking tsunami could hit here tommorow and force me to do it anyway. I shouldn't take this shit for granted... and I'm done.

So what does this mean? I'm going underground for awhile. I'm gonna live life on the run. I'm gonna tie up a few loose ends so that I don't owe anybody anything and then I'm gonna start over. It's slash and burn survival. The phoenix does it... why can't I. Shit I've gone for broke before... but I've always had a back-up plan. I mean even now I suppose I have safety nets... but that doesn't matter. I don't want anybody saving me this time. This is something I have to do or I'll never be able to live with myself.

I know what I want. I know what I've earned. I know what I deserve and it's time I went and got it. Enough of this waiting around for them to tell me when I can have it.

My friend Chrissy says that if change doesn't scare the shit out of you... then the change isn't worth a damn.

By the way... I'm getting rid of pretty much all of my shit. Let me know if you want any of it. I'll keep a few things for sentimental value... and to remind me of who I was. Of what I don't want to go back to. Maybe a crafty article or two that will come in handy in a tight situation... but it's time to feed my wanderlust. All this shit is tying me down.

I'll be around. Just in stealth mode. I'll resurface soon. When the time is right. When I'm ready. Don't worry, I'll be fine.