doctashock

:your doctashock unit has now entered "emo mode":

Sometimes you just have to write some things out. Every now and then it's good to sort things out for yourself, even if the people who need to read it the most never get to see it.

I have this habit of falling for girls intensely, insanely, briefly. I'm a fickle one it's for sure. So I tend to take my crushes with a grain of salt, but every now and then one comes along that's different.

It's amazing how one person can come along and fuck your shit right up without even knowing it, or trying. I mean I was just trying to live my life here. I was doing alright if I may say so myself, and then she shows up in my life and screws with my head in soo many different ways.

Just when I had stopped believing in fairy tales. Right when I told myself it was alright to settle... here she comes, the personification of everything I ever could ask for in another human being.

Ever sit around and try to imagine your perfect mate. Their personality type, their outlook on life, their goals for the future... right down to the job and place they want to live? Imagine that person walked right in through your front door. Granted I only knew her for a short while and I only know so much about her... but if she's not the one, she damn sure is the prototype.



Too bad I fucked it all up.

You see.. unbeknownst to many of you, I'm a bit of a misanthrope. I have these walls built up that won't allow me to get close to anybody. It's not always intentional, it's subconsciously built in. What can I say I'm a product of my environment.

For some reason I get along much better with people I don't know that well. Don't know why that is exactly. I'm no the only one though. Psychologist Penelope Spheeris wrote about the subject some time ago. Apparently it's these same traits that allow rockstaars to bare so much of their souls on stage with thousands at a time, but makes it hard for them to maintain a commited relationship.

It doesn't help that I'm "gifted". Those of you who know me already realize how em(pathetic) I am. I read people uncannily. After five minutes I have many people tell me they feel like they've known me forever. I don't know what it is. I just have an aura I guess. I give off vibes. I can't explain it. Either you get it or you don't. All I can say is I guess the force is strong with this one.

At any rate usually after a certain amount of collective time spent with any one person I find myself having less of a desire to actively get to know them better. Doesn't mean I don't wanna be around them anymore.. I just don't actively pursue advancing the relationship beyond the "acquaintance" stage.

For this reason, when I meet someone who breaks that barrier, I have a hard time letting it go. Combine that with a narrow window of opportunity, and you can easily see how it could result in me trying a little too hard. I've been told that Desperation is a pretty strong scent... in fact it reaks. Enough to repel someone who might have wanted to feel you out for themselves.

It's not like she didn't encourage me though. The flirting, the teasing, the innuendo. A good third of all of our conversations were spoken in double entendre. Ever have a connection with someone where you could speak directly to them while actually talking to someone else? Ever been able to nonverbally communicate with a person to the point where they could be across the room and not even looking at you, but still get the point across. It's a wierd connection to have with someone. Especially when you can both acknowledge that it exists. Some people call it sexual tension, but it's not always necessarily sexual in nature. Personally I think it's misnamed. Again... this is something you either get or you don't.

This couldn't have come at a worse time for me either. My life is already in such limbo as it is. It's now September. Some of you already know what significance that holds for me. Some of you think you know, but only know the half. I mean to be quite honest with you, my situation hasn't changed at all since 2 weeks ago on the exterior. But I assure you, I am definitely a different person than I was before I left Toledo last weekend.

I think I'm noticing a pattern here. I happened to get involved with Leah at another very critical time in my life. Coincidence? Probably not. I probably need to think about that a little more. Am I infatuated with being infatuated? Believe me, it's a notion that I've given more than just a llittle consideration. But why does it always happen at these crucial moments of my life? I don't know.. but I need to clear my head right now. It's a bit of a whirlwhind at the moment. I have so much I need to be doing right now, I don't know where to start. I feel inspired right now. I have motivation to do something, I just don't know exactly what it is I want to do just yet.

I guess you should be careful what you wish for. Granted I do feel much more alive right now... but I forgot how agonizing it can be on your heart. I'm pitiful I know it. But to be honest with you, I wouldn't have it any other way.

A quote from sometrhing I wrote during the "Leah era"

It's not like I don't see where this is heading. I'm smarter than that. I could probably snap out of this if I wanted to. But do I want to. These thoughts make it so much easier to play the tortured artist with. I'm playing with fire. Dancing along with the flame. Showing of my blister burns like badges of honor.

To be quite honest with you right now I don't know what I want. I just want to clear my head, I just want to get something done, I just want to be held, .


SOMEBODY PLEASE RECOMMEND ME SOME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!