doctashock

Well looks like work is finally picking back up. iono, does 72 hours this week sound like enough to you? makes me feel like I'm doing movies again to a certain extent,

I really interested to see how this summer develops. I get phone calls and emails every single day from people wanting to do shows or put things together for them. This is nice cause I need the money, but at the same time I'd like to continue to diversify more and work my connections out of town. Honestly, come September (a year after I started Prodigy) I'm gonna start hardcore looking for where I'm going next.

I hate this city.... no hate is not a strong enough word. I sincerely loathe this city, and everyday there is something that reminds me why I feel this way.

I mean everybody complains about their city sucking, but until you've lived in Toledo as well as another city you can compare it with, you just don't know. People who have never lived outside of Toledo don't realize what I'm talking about, but there's a reason kids here go off to college and never come back.

I've got a really bad itch to do some film work right about now. I wanna A..D. a set, like desperately. I don't even care if I get paid one red cent or a free lunch for it, I just need to get back into it. I need to start writing again, I need to connect with people again and direct. I need to get creative again. I feel like the life is being drained out of me right now and if I don't do something drastic I'm gonna shrivle up and lose all of my ambition and vigor. I'll become another complacent zombie and if you know me at all, you know that I'd rather die before I let myself become that. Sincerely I think my location and environment has a lot to do with that.

I need to surround myself with klike minded people. Not just people who play the roles, but people I can really connect and vibe with. People like the ones I used to know who I don't even need to verbalize with because theyu already know evertyhing I'm thinking, because they feel the same way. I mean I could jjust pack my bags and go stay with any number of friends in LA, or Florida, or New York or whatever, but I'd like to be moving to sometrhing and not away from something. As soon as I get a job offer that will put me in equal or better position career wise than where I am now I'm gone. It doesn't even have to pay more, and it can be in Bumfuck Egypt for all I care, I just really really need to get outta here. I'm suffocating people. Somebody help me. As I fgradually unpack, I've been coiming across things that have been in boxes since 1997 and it pains me to see things that I wrote, journals I kept, pictures of me in various places and realizing how vivrant I used to be, I'm really not that old, and I was just as responsible back then if not more so, but I feel like there is a big part of my life that has come up missing within the past three years or so.

Which leads me to my next point. I'm in dire need to fall in love again. Like you really don't get it. I'm not talking about a crush (i get plenty of those). I'm not talking about being infatuated with someone for superficial reasons. I'm talking about being passionately , romanticaly, head over heels in love with someone. I don't even care if the feeling is mutual. It's not just about me being lonely. I'm used to that by now. (and the fact that I live completely alone now hasn't even set in yet)

I need to have some intense emotion within me besides this vehemont abhorrance for where I am right now. It's like I'm losing faith in the human race. I can't remember the last time I met a girl in person that I didn't lose a great deal of respect for after about an hour or so of real conversation. Not pleasantries or empty rhetoric, but like ( how do I say this without sounding pretentious) "profound" conversation. I need to meet a girl with just as much zeal as I once had. I need to be inspired, and I'm sick of talking to people with no goals. Those zombies I mentioned above that seem to be conrtent with the same old bullshit day after day.

Not that I haven't met anybody with any enthusiasm lately, but there's nobody that I get to see on a regular basis anymore that inspires me the way I used to be inspired. I'm really sorry, but I gotta bring up Leah again. (see my journals from Oct. 3rd and 13th) If there was any doubt in my mind as to whether or not I was trully in love with her (as opposed to just fascinated) it is completely erased now. I need that feeling back in my life again. The sense of life I used to get just being around her.... even when we were arguing with each other, or teling each other how bad we were for each other, I just got this feeling from her that has as of yet to be duplicated. I mean we all know how fickle I am, and there's been times when a really good conversation will give me some sense of false hope that maybe the feeelings coming back, but anytiime I feel like I may be getting to that esoteric level with somebody I get bitch slapped by reality.

I remember when I used to wish for the ability to be a true artist. To be able to feel that intensely, to be that empathetic, to be able to express myself that eloquently. I think I'm finaly there, and while I may not be able to generate these feelings within other people just yet, I think it took me being deprived of my lust for life to realize that I already internalize things the right way. I've been told that I send out strong vibes already, I guess I just need to learn how to harness that and then I can call myself a real artist.

Iono, I'm starting to ramble here, but I guess I needed to get that stuff off of my chest. Somebody say something to make me feel better please. Give me some since of hope.