doctashock

So, um... yeah. Update

Here we are in the most loneliest time of the year. I've noticed a pattern that I always feel alone and isolated from around October through like March. Some might say it's just because I never have anyone to spend the holidays with but that's not it. I've gotten over that a long time ago and to tell the truth it never really affected me anyway. Holidays were never really all that fun when I did spend them with family so I haven't even tried to make an effort for the past 7 years or so.

A lot of people go through phases around this time though. Some theorize that the dreary weather has something to do with it and there might be something to it, but there's an actual thought process to my annual revelation of loneliness. You see I'm really not any more alone now than I am during any other time of year, it's just that this is the time when it's most apparent.

I guess you could say the holidays have something to do with it in the sense that all throughout the rest of the year I'm able to bury myself in work and projects to keep my mind off of the fact that I have nobody to come home to, or that I don't really have the type of friends I can just call out of the blue on a regular basis to see how their week has been. During this time of year though everything slows down and even if I bury myself in personal things I want to do I eventually realize I'm working alone. People take this time out to get in QT with the people they love the most and unfortunately I don't really fall on that list for anybody.

I mean it's not that I don't think people like me or that I don't have bonds with people, but in all truthfulness for the most part when it comes to me it's like out of sight, out of mind. Now I know you get what you give, but everytime I reach out to someone one of two things happens. 1) Extraneous circumstances or logistics keep us from developing anything of significance. Or 2) The reaching out comes of as creepy on my part. (Where are all of your other friends?) And don't even think about letting it be a female I'm interested in for more than friendship. I can fuck that up well enough on my own thank you very much.

Seriously outside of the people I work with I can't think of anyone I get to see more than once a month at best. I've actually been hanging with nueve quite a bit lately being as how he's new in town and doesn't know too many other people, but even he lives pretty far out from me so that'll probably pan out as he meets more people in town. (see scenario #1 above)

Anyway, I'm not down or anything right now. I'm actually getting through it a lot better than I have in years past. Probably because I have a lot of other things going smoothly in my life right now. Of course a lot of turmoil is happening to people around me which is a constant reminder that I'm not invincible and one wrong decision or stroke of bad luck could put me right back where I was a couple years ago. But I'm thinking positive and just continue to forge ahead. I've dealt with a lot of shit over the years and the karma truck is finally delivering the goods is how I look at it.

Anyway... life plods on fo me. As far as the female situations I referred to before, surprisingly I haven't completely screwed it up yet. So instead of wondering what went wrong, I'm wondering what the hell is going on and why we're pretty much still at the same stage we were last month. Actually the status of one has moved into psuedo closure. At least I know we're just friends for now, but I'm still hanging out by myself all the time.

Anyway, I didn't mean for this to come off as depressing because I'm really doing quite alright overall, but I guess it's just something I had to get off my mind. I'm at where I'm at... laytorz.