As my social media profiles begin to collapse (professional vs. personal), I'm running out of places to speak my mind, because there's always a good chance a family member will see it and freak out. So, I've decided to share this post here, because I don't think any of my relatives are on here and literally everyone here seems to be cool as hell.
A bit of backstory... when I was 5 years old, I was prescribed Ritalin after a teacher said I was overactive in class. Did I get straight A's? Sure. But, why would a psychiatrist care about any of those details when giving a child new and experimental drugs? Anyway, I was on it until the summer before high school, when I got switched to Adderall. I was on that medication until I was 29.
It took me far too long to realize it was slowly driving me insane too. As a matter of fact, the main reason I moved away from NYC after my first time living here (I'm currently on my third stint) was because I thought people were following me. Once I stopped taking the Adderall, everything in life felt weird; as if I was experiencing it for the first time.
For a few years after, I tried to get by without any medications at all. But, anxiety and depression kept creeping their way into my life more and more each day. Enough, in fact, that I eventually began taking medications for both. And while I'm doing much, much better now, I can't help but remember what it felt like to be on those drugs for so long. I also wonder what lasting side effects they've had, given that they were in my system through all of my formative years.
One good example of just what it's done to me is the fact that I have to consume A LOT of caffeine each and every day. Why? It turns out that being on a stimulant as you develop makes your body unable to produce its own energy like everyone else. So, if I don't have stimulants in my body at all times, I'm pretty much a walking zombie. Fun, right?
That's just one of the side effects I know about. There's plenty I'm still learning as I get older. But, the one thing I've been wondering about most often is if I'll ever be able to know happiness. Adderall made me crave it, which is why I stayed on it for so long. But it also made me question everything, stress out about minor details, and always react poorly when things didn't go as planned.
While I've gotten most of those under control, I still struggle with my ability to be happy for long periods of time. Even if I am elated (or should be elated) if the tiniest thing comes along to turn my attention, depression immediately creeps in. I also still have days where I can't leave the house because I just feel a sadness wash over me – oftentimes without rhyme or reason.
It's an ongoing battle I deal with every day. But, I have learned that talking about it out loud, even if it's to the void of the internet, makes everything a little more manageable. It's also way better than bottling it up as I did for so many years. So, I guess that's what this blog post is. It's me questioning the universe out loud and wondering if I'll ever know happiness. Perhaps I'm regulated to the ebbs and flows of depression and I should just enjoy my life for what it is? It's hard to say.
One thing is for sure though, I am so much more appreciative of the good times I have and the good people I know. So, if there's any solace in the matter, it's that.
