This is my ranting blog post. It's going to be full of teenage angst. whatevz.
WHY do I get so much of a kick from looking after people and making them feel like there isn't anything in the world that could stop me caring? Because I know every single fucking time I expect a bit of an equilibrium I get smacked with the harsh reality that no one gives an actual fuck. They give a pretend fuck. The fuck that looks a bit like really emosh heart to heart where only one person means what they say. Is it so hard to mean what you say or not say anything? Doesn't matter if I build you up time and time again, and I let the horrid things you say when you're drunk slide...if I slip up just a bit it's like none of that even mattered. I know how much easier things could be if I was out of it. No-one to make me feel guilty. No-one for me to worry about. But with that comes the lonely nights in bed. No-one to get excited with. No-one to tell me I'm pretty even when I'm slumming it in my pants with makeup down my face. Hold on to that though, in the same breath, I wouldn't have the sick feeling in my tummy when I know you're going to leave. I know that you'll forget me and you'll have such a good time without me. I'll be in bed crying, refusing to go to work or leave the confinement of my room. I'll be hugging your clothes you left over, smelling them and wishing we still had our telly nights in bed. I'll keep staring at my phone waiting for you to text me and you never will. You'll be with other girls and my stomach will turn if anyone even smiles at me with the intention of coming over to buy me a drink. No-one else can make me feel like you do. But I'm just another girl and I know that. I'm terrified you won't go home. Anxious that you'll realise I love my nights at home and I hate who I am when I drink so I don't. I make myself ill. I get so upset about work and I come home with headaches and want my nights in even more because I can't keep my eyes open. I want you to see me like I see you. I see you're perfectly imperfect. I see all your flaws and I still would never change you. I'd rather get upset at your hurtful comments and nights you don't come home than for a second believe I asked you to be something you're not.
I've never felt like this before. I've never felt so helpless. I feel like if you weren't there...I wouldn't be me. I'd follow you anywhere you went. I want to keep us. Always.
WHY do I get so much of a kick from looking after people and making them feel like there isn't anything in the world that could stop me caring? Because I know every single fucking time I expect a bit of an equilibrium I get smacked with the harsh reality that no one gives an actual fuck. They give a pretend fuck. The fuck that looks a bit like really emosh heart to heart where only one person means what they say. Is it so hard to mean what you say or not say anything? Doesn't matter if I build you up time and time again, and I let the horrid things you say when you're drunk slide...if I slip up just a bit it's like none of that even mattered. I know how much easier things could be if I was out of it. No-one to make me feel guilty. No-one for me to worry about. But with that comes the lonely nights in bed. No-one to get excited with. No-one to tell me I'm pretty even when I'm slumming it in my pants with makeup down my face. Hold on to that though, in the same breath, I wouldn't have the sick feeling in my tummy when I know you're going to leave. I know that you'll forget me and you'll have such a good time without me. I'll be in bed crying, refusing to go to work or leave the confinement of my room. I'll be hugging your clothes you left over, smelling them and wishing we still had our telly nights in bed. I'll keep staring at my phone waiting for you to text me and you never will. You'll be with other girls and my stomach will turn if anyone even smiles at me with the intention of coming over to buy me a drink. No-one else can make me feel like you do. But I'm just another girl and I know that. I'm terrified you won't go home. Anxious that you'll realise I love my nights at home and I hate who I am when I drink so I don't. I make myself ill. I get so upset about work and I come home with headaches and want my nights in even more because I can't keep my eyes open. I want you to see me like I see you. I see you're perfectly imperfect. I see all your flaws and I still would never change you. I'd rather get upset at your hurtful comments and nights you don't come home than for a second believe I asked you to be something you're not.
I've never felt like this before. I've never felt so helpless. I feel like if you weren't there...I wouldn't be me. I'd follow you anywhere you went. I want to keep us. Always.
Please feel better and I hope things work out!