THIS IS THE FINAL TIME I WILL BRING UP MY FORESKIN COMPLEX (sheesh...)
Hello,
I just watched Garden State. I have been dying to see it since I found out it was about a guy who stops taking his meds and discovers this whole new life out there. On Friday, I brought it up at work and this older girl I like went into this whole long story about how she's been on psychiatric meds for the last ten years. She also told me that she was hospitalized when she tried to quit taking all her meds once cold turkey and she started hearing voices and reading the bible and thought she was appointed by God. So she went batshit crazy. I like that phrase "batshit crazy" by the way. So, yeah, one critic called it the "seminal film for today's generation" which reminds me a lot of Fight Club. Although, I think after watching Fight Club, it drove me to wanting to seek out help, so I started taking antidepressants when I was 16. I think this movie has the opposite effect of Fight Club. Fight Club for me, when I saw it, was the greatest work of art I had ever seen in my entire life. Back when I had friends, we even started our own fight club. But, Fight Club kind of ruined my life. And this is where I will start talking about idealism and nihilism. Dostoevsky has a great quote from his novel Demons that I read last year that says "nihilsitic sons are born of idealistic fathers." Fight Club had such an inertial effect of idealism(or nhilism?) in it, that I basically totally destroyed the life I was living up until that point to seek out something with meaning. This is when I started listening to Radiohead a lot and trying to shed the jockish mentality. So, I loaded up on "drugs" to cure my "depression" so I could become the little boy who loves to paint and draw again. Until I became a jock, I was always known at my school as the "best artist" or whatever. So I went to art school. That is when I met Abby. This is where I tie in the sentimental value of Garden State to my real life experience. I was a drugged out zombie and she was this the "free-spirited" one and she read my journals and gave me so much praise for my amazing personality and uniqueness but that I needed to be happy, just like my other friend Jessica had told me that whole summer before she moved to Chicago and we hung out and went to raves together. God, everything was so fucking real back then. The summer of 2001 was probably the most eventful time of my life. All my family from Denmark came over, we drove to New York, my mom got married and I was starting a new school, etc. Yes, so meeting Abby and seeing all these other wonderful "free-spirits" at art school and watching the film Crumb totally convinced me that I needed to quit taking my pills so I could be happy and one again. Now, I am going to tie this all into another thing, which was my request to be circumcised at age 16 when I got on the pills so as to take the right of passage into manhood so I could start sexual activity and what not. And this is where fate really ties me in a fucking bind. For some reason, I never did get circumcised and when I told Abby I wasn't she sort of left me alone on that one like, "what you're not circumcised?" As if that were such a turn-off. And right when I hit 17 and decided to stop taking the pills I went batshit crazy too. Because I had realized that I had destroyed my life (thanks to Fight Club) and there was no exit strategy for me to be in love with a women. Because the deed, the circumcision had not been performed yet, so I was not capable of sexual activity. So I fucking lost it and wanted my old life back, to revisit the past and everything. I almost failed my senior year just from smoking so much pot and being batshit crazy all the time cuz I went off the meds cold turkey. I foresook all that I had done with my art becuase it just wasn't good enough for me, even though it was pretty fucking good I guess. Yes, so I went to Europe last year and I met Ellen, this Australian chick. I finally confided my deep fears about being uncircumcised to her and she said it wasn't a big deal and that I was just paranoid. Then, I was in the showers after playing soccer with a bunch of guys and I felt so terrible about my uncircumcised-ness and being "inadequate." The day after, I thought about killing myself or getting circumcised, but then while I was reading Geek Love and the part about the girl's ugly tail that the mother won't cut off because she says "it's the cross she has to bear" really spoke to me. I didn't know what to do really but I knew I couldn't suffer this much without coming to some conclusion or solution. So, I tried pulling the foreskin back, which hurt like a motherfucker and was finally able to so I could see my dickhead. From that point on, I was so happy because I realized that I didn't have a small dick after all, that it had just been hidden behind a tight foreskin. Yeah, so I had to come back home after this wonderful revelation in Europe, and I was telling everybody about my great trip and such and I was so depressed to be back home because I could have lived in Europe and had a job and Ellen could have been my girlfriend. So I was pretty down on America and being back in the States and I was pretty high on expressing my socialist European ideals. That's how my now current roommate and I became friends. We were going to start a band and eventually we moved in together. But now, he scares me and pisses me off because all he does is talk about hating on America and Christianity. You see, after healing my foreskin swelling up I realized that my anti-Christianity stance was...well, whatever. Seriously, I am such a weird kid and almost every woman I talk to says I'm fucked in the head and should just give up, throw in the towel or something...and what can I do? So...this film Garden State was hard to watch because it reminded me so much of my old life, and my old friends who I never see anymore but spent pretty much every moment of my teen years with. It is a tragedy in and of itself and to recognize it as such is a key point to being able to move on with your life. Life is full of tragedy and misunderstandings. But it is not all unexplainable. I say, there aren't fucked up people, only fucked up situations. But hey, I'm fucked in the head, so what do I know, right? Anyway, I don't know where to move on from this and the fact that I've been living in my own little world for the past two years doesn't help me realize what I've really got out there in front of me, if anything at all. Perhaps, life can be steady and unchaotic but I miss the love I got when I was depressed and everybody was trying to make me feel better. I guess that's what this generation is kind of about. And, I dunno...some people become depression martyrs when they commit suicide. But love, it's what it's all about. That's why they do it. I dunno. What can I say, except that I've grown up too quickly or perhaps I haven't grown at all. I haven't done anything, I know. I'm a late bloomer and fuck all the American standard or whatever. That is all.
Hello,
I just watched Garden State. I have been dying to see it since I found out it was about a guy who stops taking his meds and discovers this whole new life out there. On Friday, I brought it up at work and this older girl I like went into this whole long story about how she's been on psychiatric meds for the last ten years. She also told me that she was hospitalized when she tried to quit taking all her meds once cold turkey and she started hearing voices and reading the bible and thought she was appointed by God. So she went batshit crazy. I like that phrase "batshit crazy" by the way. So, yeah, one critic called it the "seminal film for today's generation" which reminds me a lot of Fight Club. Although, I think after watching Fight Club, it drove me to wanting to seek out help, so I started taking antidepressants when I was 16. I think this movie has the opposite effect of Fight Club. Fight Club for me, when I saw it, was the greatest work of art I had ever seen in my entire life. Back when I had friends, we even started our own fight club. But, Fight Club kind of ruined my life. And this is where I will start talking about idealism and nihilism. Dostoevsky has a great quote from his novel Demons that I read last year that says "nihilsitic sons are born of idealistic fathers." Fight Club had such an inertial effect of idealism(or nhilism?) in it, that I basically totally destroyed the life I was living up until that point to seek out something with meaning. This is when I started listening to Radiohead a lot and trying to shed the jockish mentality. So, I loaded up on "drugs" to cure my "depression" so I could become the little boy who loves to paint and draw again. Until I became a jock, I was always known at my school as the "best artist" or whatever. So I went to art school. That is when I met Abby. This is where I tie in the sentimental value of Garden State to my real life experience. I was a drugged out zombie and she was this the "free-spirited" one and she read my journals and gave me so much praise for my amazing personality and uniqueness but that I needed to be happy, just like my other friend Jessica had told me that whole summer before she moved to Chicago and we hung out and went to raves together. God, everything was so fucking real back then. The summer of 2001 was probably the most eventful time of my life. All my family from Denmark came over, we drove to New York, my mom got married and I was starting a new school, etc. Yes, so meeting Abby and seeing all these other wonderful "free-spirits" at art school and watching the film Crumb totally convinced me that I needed to quit taking my pills so I could be happy and one again. Now, I am going to tie this all into another thing, which was my request to be circumcised at age 16 when I got on the pills so as to take the right of passage into manhood so I could start sexual activity and what not. And this is where fate really ties me in a fucking bind. For some reason, I never did get circumcised and when I told Abby I wasn't she sort of left me alone on that one like, "what you're not circumcised?" As if that were such a turn-off. And right when I hit 17 and decided to stop taking the pills I went batshit crazy too. Because I had realized that I had destroyed my life (thanks to Fight Club) and there was no exit strategy for me to be in love with a women. Because the deed, the circumcision had not been performed yet, so I was not capable of sexual activity. So I fucking lost it and wanted my old life back, to revisit the past and everything. I almost failed my senior year just from smoking so much pot and being batshit crazy all the time cuz I went off the meds cold turkey. I foresook all that I had done with my art becuase it just wasn't good enough for me, even though it was pretty fucking good I guess. Yes, so I went to Europe last year and I met Ellen, this Australian chick. I finally confided my deep fears about being uncircumcised to her and she said it wasn't a big deal and that I was just paranoid. Then, I was in the showers after playing soccer with a bunch of guys and I felt so terrible about my uncircumcised-ness and being "inadequate." The day after, I thought about killing myself or getting circumcised, but then while I was reading Geek Love and the part about the girl's ugly tail that the mother won't cut off because she says "it's the cross she has to bear" really spoke to me. I didn't know what to do really but I knew I couldn't suffer this much without coming to some conclusion or solution. So, I tried pulling the foreskin back, which hurt like a motherfucker and was finally able to so I could see my dickhead. From that point on, I was so happy because I realized that I didn't have a small dick after all, that it had just been hidden behind a tight foreskin. Yeah, so I had to come back home after this wonderful revelation in Europe, and I was telling everybody about my great trip and such and I was so depressed to be back home because I could have lived in Europe and had a job and Ellen could have been my girlfriend. So I was pretty down on America and being back in the States and I was pretty high on expressing my socialist European ideals. That's how my now current roommate and I became friends. We were going to start a band and eventually we moved in together. But now, he scares me and pisses me off because all he does is talk about hating on America and Christianity. You see, after healing my foreskin swelling up I realized that my anti-Christianity stance was...well, whatever. Seriously, I am such a weird kid and almost every woman I talk to says I'm fucked in the head and should just give up, throw in the towel or something...and what can I do? So...this film Garden State was hard to watch because it reminded me so much of my old life, and my old friends who I never see anymore but spent pretty much every moment of my teen years with. It is a tragedy in and of itself and to recognize it as such is a key point to being able to move on with your life. Life is full of tragedy and misunderstandings. But it is not all unexplainable. I say, there aren't fucked up people, only fucked up situations. But hey, I'm fucked in the head, so what do I know, right? Anyway, I don't know where to move on from this and the fact that I've been living in my own little world for the past two years doesn't help me realize what I've really got out there in front of me, if anything at all. Perhaps, life can be steady and unchaotic but I miss the love I got when I was depressed and everybody was trying to make me feel better. I guess that's what this generation is kind of about. And, I dunno...some people become depression martyrs when they commit suicide. But love, it's what it's all about. That's why they do it. I dunno. What can I say, except that I've grown up too quickly or perhaps I haven't grown at all. I haven't done anything, I know. I'm a late bloomer and fuck all the American standard or whatever. That is all.