I've finally come to grips with my personality. I am Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I've always felt that I've had two personalities. Liberal at times. But conservatives at others. Alternative but mainstream. Childish with friends and siblings. But ultra-mature when I interact with adults. A walking paradox. I can't help but act differently when I'm working. And right as I get out of the hospital, it's almost as if I revert to a more primitive state. Instantly, I'm thinking about how much I hate being "grown-up" and "professional." The minute I leave the hospital or on the weekend, I call up my friends or brother and sister. And I'm back to swearing like a fucking sailor; making dirty jokes and letting my primal urges get the best of me.
I've always been a good actor. I grew up wishing to be a conman. I loved being in plays growing up. I loved lying my way out of situations in stores and conversations. I'm sad to say, that being a doctor has been an excercise in acting at times. Not that I don't care about my patients. But it's hard to be my true self when in that environment. I'm super doc. I'm Mr. Congeniality even when I feel like shit or I feel uber-depressed. But I can't help but think that it's just an act I am forced to imitate.
I get paranoid that someone who works with me will see me outside and see what I truly am: A smoking, swearing, fucking, partying son-of-a-bitch that likes to flip the world off inside. But part of me wants to be recognized outside of the workplace. I kinda like that moment when someone says, "I would have never guessed you were like this at home." It's kinda invigorating when I shock someone. Especially when the person who recognizes me is someone I hate and they get a little scared seeing the real me. Because then they realize, I may have been faking genrosity the entire time. Which side of me is the real me? But in actuallity, I am both. I don't fake my generosity or my compassionate behavior when I'm in the hospital. I genuinely enjoy being there. I just don't wear my heart on my sleeve when I work. I am very good at hiding my emotions. But when I'm not working, I am free to relax. I can finally think to myself. I can finally live my life. I don't think it's a bad thing. I find it hard to believe a person can be one way all the time. People change and adapt. You might even say that I've evolved to surivive in any environment. Anyway, I need to explore this even further. I feel that it can be dangerous and fascinating at the same time. If Mr. Hyde surfaces in the wrong place, there might be hell to pay. I can see the internal struggle to keep one side from overpowering the other. It seems like the more I become one personality, the direct converse becomes even stronger. The more I work at being Mr. Congeniality at the hospital, the crazier I get outside of work. I'm going to have to read that book again. Fascinating.
Having two personality that may or may not be mutually exclusive.
I've always felt that I've had two personalities. Liberal at times. But conservatives at others. Alternative but mainstream. Childish with friends and siblings. But ultra-mature when I interact with adults. A walking paradox. I can't help but act differently when I'm working. And right as I get out of the hospital, it's almost as if I revert to a more primitive state. Instantly, I'm thinking about how much I hate being "grown-up" and "professional." The minute I leave the hospital or on the weekend, I call up my friends or brother and sister. And I'm back to swearing like a fucking sailor; making dirty jokes and letting my primal urges get the best of me.
I've always been a good actor. I grew up wishing to be a conman. I loved being in plays growing up. I loved lying my way out of situations in stores and conversations. I'm sad to say, that being a doctor has been an excercise in acting at times. Not that I don't care about my patients. But it's hard to be my true self when in that environment. I'm super doc. I'm Mr. Congeniality even when I feel like shit or I feel uber-depressed. But I can't help but think that it's just an act I am forced to imitate.
I get paranoid that someone who works with me will see me outside and see what I truly am: A smoking, swearing, fucking, partying son-of-a-bitch that likes to flip the world off inside. But part of me wants to be recognized outside of the workplace. I kinda like that moment when someone says, "I would have never guessed you were like this at home." It's kinda invigorating when I shock someone. Especially when the person who recognizes me is someone I hate and they get a little scared seeing the real me. Because then they realize, I may have been faking genrosity the entire time. Which side of me is the real me? But in actuallity, I am both. I don't fake my generosity or my compassionate behavior when I'm in the hospital. I genuinely enjoy being there. I just don't wear my heart on my sleeve when I work. I am very good at hiding my emotions. But when I'm not working, I am free to relax. I can finally think to myself. I can finally live my life. I don't think it's a bad thing. I find it hard to believe a person can be one way all the time. People change and adapt. You might even say that I've evolved to surivive in any environment. Anyway, I need to explore this even further. I feel that it can be dangerous and fascinating at the same time. If Mr. Hyde surfaces in the wrong place, there might be hell to pay. I can see the internal struggle to keep one side from overpowering the other. It seems like the more I become one personality, the direct converse becomes even stronger. The more I work at being Mr. Congeniality at the hospital, the crazier I get outside of work. I'm going to have to read that book again. Fascinating.
Having two personality that may or may not be mutually exclusive.