Hello SG family ❤️
First off I wanted to apologize for any comments/messages I have not responded to. I will do my best to respond this week. Please forgive me 🤞🏼
I haven’t posted a personal blog in a bit aside from blog homework’s and photos, so I wanted to sit down and write a blog with updates on life and whatnot. Maybe I’m just using this as my personal journal, regardless I have a lot on my chest today that I want to spill.
My heart is heavy today, at the loss of the five year relationship I poured everything I had into. I made the conscious decision to split from my partner and the father of my child, and ACTUALLY stand by it this time.
Please don’t get the wrong picture while I vent — he is a good man and amazing father to our little girl. Due to his own emotional wounds and abandonment issues from childhood, he was very subconsciously possessive and controlling over me. It was an ongoing battle throughout the duration of our relationship. I have given several ultimatums and he changed as much as he could, but would always revert right back into the same old song and dance.
I’m exhausted. I love him, I really do. I intend to keep him in my life as a co-parent and partner in raising our daughter. He is my best friend on many levels. As I write this, I am welling up with tears and my palms are shaking.
This is not an easy decision for me by any means. I am a VERY passive person, rooting from my own childhood trauma as well. I have always put my needs on the back burner and sat quietly in order to appease the needs of others. I don’t like to recognize that my needs are important, and I don’t like to use my voice because I do not believe that it is powerful.
I went into my relationship with this partner freshly out of a different 4 year relationship prior. I do not know what it’s like to be alone, as I have been monogamous with partners since I was 17. Our financial life is so intertwined that I don’t even know where or how to begin with delegation. I am crossing my fingers and praying that we won’t need the court system to work out custody and co-parenting for our little girl.
I don’t know where to go from here.
I know in my heart that it’s too late for us.
I hate that I had to do this 😞
“My Dear, We’re Slow Dancing in a Burning Room.” - John Mayer
“Our love was only silver and what I need is gold.” - Amae Love
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for taking the time to peak inside my mind. I hope you are all well and in good spirits 😘
Until next time, my loves.
Warmly,
Pixen ❤️
