I need more happy people to hang around with. These jaded motherfuckers are a real downer. Sarcasm is not the only form of humor people.
I think I'm just gonna chill in my hammock tonight. I will definitely have a mojito. And if I want a second one? I will crank up the blender.
I'm going to sleep in tomorrow. Maybe to 10 in the...
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I think I'm just gonna chill in my hammock tonight. I will definitely have a mojito. And if I want a second one? I will crank up the blender.
I'm going to sleep in tomorrow. Maybe to 10 in the...
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Tonight I decided to see things differently.
I've felt a great deal of solace recently. It comes from feedback. The things I say and do apparently have an effect on people. I never knew that. Well, I guess it's more correct to say that I never believed it and therfore, never knew it. Shit, I mean to say, the good things I say and do....
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I've felt a great deal of solace recently. It comes from feedback. The things I say and do apparently have an effect on people. I never knew that. Well, I guess it's more correct to say that I never believed it and therfore, never knew it. Shit, I mean to say, the good things I say and do....
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sweetkc:
I could use some solace right now.
I'm happy that you have felt a lot of it lately.
I'm sorry about that dream though...that's no fun. It is such a relief when you wake up from a dream like that.
If you don't realize you're awake when you open your eyes in the morning, then I want what you're on.
I'm happy that you have felt a lot of it lately.
I'm sorry about that dream though...that's no fun. It is such a relief when you wake up from a dream like that.
If you don't realize you're awake when you open your eyes in the morning, then I want what you're on.
Since someone actually convinced me to do something (whoa 
) I'm just going to put this right up without further ado.
I believe I feel the need to express something about myself. I have not dated anyone for going on, I don't know precisely, two years, maybe three? It's really strange. I used to really enjoy meeting a lot of new people, spending time with...
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) I'm just going to put this right up without further ado.I believe I feel the need to express something about myself. I have not dated anyone for going on, I don't know precisely, two years, maybe three? It's really strange. I used to really enjoy meeting a lot of new people, spending time with...
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sweetkc:
You do look pretty serious.
chrysis:
I do get kind of glazed over when I read over most blogs .. which is why I don't browse random ones anymore. Ever, never. I know the "voices" of my friends by now, so I can read them for what they are --
But there are a few beautiful speakers out there.
Floodgates? Sweet. Pour away. Give me something to chew on [ZOMG WHO DOESN'T LUV MIXED META4Z].
Oh, and don't you worry. I don't take you for a gusher. ;] Not after that picture. Baha.
But there are a few beautiful speakers out there.
Floodgates? Sweet. Pour away. Give me something to chew on [ZOMG WHO DOESN'T LUV MIXED META4Z].
Oh, and don't you worry. I don't take you for a gusher. ;] Not after that picture. Baha.
I had a dream about a book I read years ago. My dream was very much like I had been transplanted into the fictional world it was based in.
The book was set in a more modern yet very-near future. Americans had devolved due to technology. Their technology enabled them to some significant experiences through proxy. Fighting wars and such. It served to distance themselves...
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The book was set in a more modern yet very-near future. Americans had devolved due to technology. Their technology enabled them to some significant experiences through proxy. Fighting wars and such. It served to distance themselves...
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chrysis:
I can't know entirely, as I haven't read it .. but I think you describe that connection very well. Have to say so, because you made me envious when I read it. I love-hate when books are able to stir that up in me. Good that it's there and ready, but y'know. It's a book when it comes down to it. And I struggle with whether or not to keep that envy alive, waiting for some ultimate connection blahblah or whatever it was that jarred me in the first place. After all, an author is possibly just writing from their own fantasy or void .. not the other side, describing reality and what is possible. So I teeter and allow a small level of manipulation, I think .. because the bitter-sweet has a nice bite to it.
But yeah. What you described gave me that. It sucked in that way. Makes me want to read and not read whatever book it was, because those things always make me realign my perspective on my actual relationships and .. they never stand up.
Gotta love those dreams, though. The tingle.
But yeah. What you described gave me that. It sucked in that way. Makes me want to read and not read whatever book it was, because those things always make me realign my perspective on my actual relationships and .. they never stand up.
Gotta love those dreams, though. The tingle.
chrysis:
Pushing off past entries? Pfft! What happened to last night's attitude?
Anyway. Partially, I blame this need to each new entry to the light on SG's blogging format, and for it not being more like Livejournal [or Deadjournal, or Blurty, which all = same], lending itself much more easily to the occasional rant or impulse-blog or "DEAR FUCKING JOURNAL WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF OKAY BYE" without that being the one single representation of you in that moment. Until you shove it down and come up with something new [but what if it still applies? What if you want two things up at once, which are separate ideas entirely or written on separate days?].
I hate this format. System. Whatever. It means I bottle my thoughts for several days so that I don't tear my hair out an hour later when my mood shifts ten degrees and the page no longer reflects me in the least. I do what I can to cover my general trend.
But anyway. What I'm saying is .. don't worry too much about polish. Type things. I was kidding before. ;] But if you must .. then. As long as you don't restrict too tightly.
Or I will hold it against you.
Anyway. Partially, I blame this need to each new entry to the light on SG's blogging format, and for it not being more like Livejournal [or Deadjournal, or Blurty, which all = same], lending itself much more easily to the occasional rant or impulse-blog or "DEAR FUCKING JOURNAL WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF OKAY BYE" without that being the one single representation of you in that moment. Until you shove it down and come up with something new [but what if it still applies? What if you want two things up at once, which are separate ideas entirely or written on separate days?].
I hate this format. System. Whatever. It means I bottle my thoughts for several days so that I don't tear my hair out an hour later when my mood shifts ten degrees and the page no longer reflects me in the least. I do what I can to cover my general trend.
But anyway. What I'm saying is .. don't worry too much about polish. Type things. I was kidding before. ;] But if you must .. then. As long as you don't restrict too tightly.
Or I will hold it against you.
22:36:50 Begin--
I told myself that if I were to let any more of me out into this medium of self expression... damn, try not to sound melodramatic. AT LEAST spin it with 70-30 optimism-pessimism. None of this 20-80 stuff. People are going to think that I'm one dimensional.
So I'm gonna put on some MuteMath and let the vibe wash over me as...
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I told myself that if I were to let any more of me out into this medium of self expression... damn, try not to sound melodramatic. AT LEAST spin it with 70-30 optimism-pessimism. None of this 20-80 stuff. People are going to think that I'm one dimensional
.So I'm gonna put on some MuteMath and let the vibe wash over me as...
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Wednesday, 9/22 8:14pm
Sitting on the couch after a semi-long drive home, and I'm watching some physicist's show called "The Wonders of the Universe." I'm more interested in meeting a friend at the bar for some beers. I know that's not going to be much fun though. Drinking is only any fun with people I can trust, these days. And there aren't many of those...
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Sitting on the couch after a semi-long drive home, and I'm watching some physicist's show called "The Wonders of the Universe." I'm more interested in meeting a friend at the bar for some beers. I know that's not going to be much fun though. Drinking is only any fun with people I can trust, these days. And there aren't many of those...
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sweetkc:
I just lost my whole response to your thought provoking blog so I'll just say that I can relate. I think I like your thoughts or at least I like how you express them.
chrysis:
Just got your comment.
THAT .. was a blast from the past. Holy cow. Always weird to read those things.
But embarrassed? Nah. Though it's hard to say -- you're all the way at the beginning. Just how much -have- you read? Either way, I'm flattered at the placement, and I'll take it. :]
You, on the other hand, are killing me with this hourly-blog-rate .. if I have any chance of responding to the things that set off little flags in my mind.
THAT .. was a blast from the past. Holy cow. Always weird to read those things.
But embarrassed? Nah. Though it's hard to say -- you're all the way at the beginning. Just how much -have- you read? Either way, I'm flattered at the placement, and I'll take it. :]
You, on the other hand, are killing me with this hourly-blog-rate .. if I have any chance of responding to the things that set off little flags in my mind.
I am not giddy or anything, but this song is a dub step remix of No Time to Bleed by Suicide Silence, done by Big Chocolate. If you can stand metal give it a listen. It's pretty bad ass. Relatively speaking, anyway.
This is the flashy tour promo that has the previous remix... remixed... kinda neat. It made my sensitive best friend freak out so...
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This is the flashy tour promo that has the previous remix... remixed... kinda neat. It made my sensitive best friend freak out so...
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chrysis:
XD I wondered for a second, then figured you a.] didn't have an answer, b.] didn't feel like sharing your wind-down solutions with me or something. I was letting it go. But I'm glad you directed my attention -- worth the read indeed.
Very much with you on the go-'til-I-can't thing. And not with anything near productive, either [at the time, if you ask, fuck yes. I am going places, doing things. I should not be stopped and have hours of productivity ahead of me .. but in reality, I think I just marathon Grey's Anatomy online, watch reruns of AC360 and the rest of late-night CNN as it cycles]. The best I actually do occasionally is write something I can look back at the next day and not want to tear apart. But if penned between the hours of 2 - 5am .. it gets sketchy. Not bad, and the ideas are there, but you'd really think I did drugs.
Similarly, I watch the clock tick closer to when I need to be up in the morning. Every morning hurts more than the last, every day I fantasize about a long night of sleep, every time I crawl into bed is bliss and my body screams and begs for more the next time .. so why don't I just do this? But I can't. I can't turn off. I have flipped my entire sleep schedule this way, in increments. An hour shove at a time, and I was a night creature, going to sleep at 10am and I couldn't budge it .. for months. Had to continue the shove all the way around the clock.
I am a fairly anxious person but if I make lists, I am able to "just do" an entire list of things, and while I don't know what -you- mean about the "for other people" part .. my lists include these things also. I know what you mean about suspecting they involve selfish motives, and anyone who looks into himself has to suspect this of altruism .. I mean, it's there. It makes you feel good -- it reinforces your behavior. It's just the truth. But there's real good in it also. And yes, these things are easier to do .. and it's easier to let your own things slide. Or at least for me -- I let my necessary things slide for weeks, to the point of neglect.
Well. I think that is a tangent.
So could be your optimism-skeptic thing. But I dig it. But this is far beyond a comment. I think because I just woke up from a nap .. and have my coffee going.
Okay. Cutting a couple things short for length purposes. :/
Very much with you on the go-'til-I-can't thing. And not with anything near productive, either [at the time, if you ask, fuck yes. I am going places, doing things. I should not be stopped and have hours of productivity ahead of me .. but in reality, I think I just marathon Grey's Anatomy online, watch reruns of AC360 and the rest of late-night CNN as it cycles]. The best I actually do occasionally is write something I can look back at the next day and not want to tear apart. But if penned between the hours of 2 - 5am .. it gets sketchy. Not bad, and the ideas are there, but you'd really think I did drugs.
Similarly, I watch the clock tick closer to when I need to be up in the morning. Every morning hurts more than the last, every day I fantasize about a long night of sleep, every time I crawl into bed is bliss and my body screams and begs for more the next time .. so why don't I just do this? But I can't. I can't turn off. I have flipped my entire sleep schedule this way, in increments. An hour shove at a time, and I was a night creature, going to sleep at 10am and I couldn't budge it .. for months. Had to continue the shove all the way around the clock.
I am a fairly anxious person but if I make lists, I am able to "just do" an entire list of things, and while I don't know what -you- mean about the "for other people" part .. my lists include these things also. I know what you mean about suspecting they involve selfish motives, and anyone who looks into himself has to suspect this of altruism .. I mean, it's there. It makes you feel good -- it reinforces your behavior. It's just the truth. But there's real good in it also. And yes, these things are easier to do .. and it's easier to let your own things slide. Or at least for me -- I let my necessary things slide for weeks, to the point of neglect.
Well. I think that is a tangent.
So could be your optimism-skeptic thing. But I dig it. But this is far beyond a comment. I think because I just woke up from a nap .. and have my coffee going.
Okay. Cutting a couple things short for length purposes. :/
chrysis:
It's not bad form necessarily. But I am long-winded to a fault and get self-conscious about it. ;/ Sometimes I have to just put my hand over my mouth.
I will return to the skipped-thought later. Or something.
I will return to the skipped-thought later. Or something.
When will it be okay to come outside?
When the storm is dying and the rain is done.
The composure of my soul is harmonized,
by the sounds that travel into me...
... but in the mean time...
It is entirely plausible that nothing said before has EVER plucked at my heartstrings in such a way as that. Never have I felt an identification with...
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When the storm is dying and the rain is done.
The composure of my soul is harmonized,
by the sounds that travel into me...
... but in the mean time...
It is entirely plausible that nothing said before has EVER plucked at my heartstrings in such a way as that. Never have I felt an identification with...
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"The knowledge that seeking the favor of another means the murder of self... silence speeds the path to the streams of solace that run so few and narrow."
This really made me think about my choice of actions up to now. Have I really spent my life trying to sell myself to other people? Under those pretenses there can't be any real satisfaction to be...
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This really made me think about my choice of actions up to now. Have I really spent my life trying to sell myself to other people? Under those pretenses there can't be any real satisfaction to be...
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chrysis:
The band was called [and I just looked this up] This Will Destroy You. All instrumentals, and none of the YouTube videos are like what I saw. The songs they performed were so driving and powerful. Ahh, but oh well. These are still cool and chill. Good driving music.
You aren't the first to mention Chino getting plastered on stage -- but this show, he only had a couple beers. He did get progressively more talkative, and at some point was yelling about .. fuck this, fuck that, I'ma fuckin' drink if I fuckin' want to, etc. Lol. No one was stopping him. And a really funny point was .. there was a bike rack just off-stage and during an intro to a song which I forget .. he was like "A bike rack?! A fucking bike rack -- are you fucking serious right now?! Who here was like I'm gonna ride my bicycle to the show tonight -- GET THIS THE FUCK OUT OF HERE." And then he screamed for the intro, in that really crazy high, like bloody murder way. But it just sounded so absurd, like he was so upset about the bike. I was giggling.
You aren't the first to mention Chino getting plastered on stage -- but this show, he only had a couple beers. He did get progressively more talkative, and at some point was yelling about .. fuck this, fuck that, I'ma fuckin' drink if I fuckin' want to, etc. Lol. No one was stopping him. And a really funny point was .. there was a bike rack just off-stage and during an intro to a song which I forget .. he was like "A bike rack?! A fucking bike rack -- are you fucking serious right now?! Who here was like I'm gonna ride my bicycle to the show tonight -- GET THIS THE FUCK OUT OF HERE." And then he screamed for the intro, in that really crazy high, like bloody murder way. But it just sounded so absurd, like he was so upset about the bike. I was giggling.
I have to be up for class in 6 hours. I haven't even showered after working this evening. At least not yet. I just have the most difficult time winding down after being at work in the evenings.
At any rate, fast or slow, ready or not... I'll get there all the same. It is a bit amusing to think back about all the times...
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At any rate, fast or slow, ready or not... I'll get there all the same. It is a bit amusing to think back about all the times...
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chrysis:
Not an intrusion at all -- I take that as quite a compliment [and not just because idiosyncratic is one of my favorite words]. It's my goal when I write to be as fluid and lucid as possible .. and the mess in my brain can sometimes come out in a scramble if there's no conscious filter. So it's nice to be appreciated in spite of this. :]
Just in the first few things you've written here -- I think we'll understand each other juuust fine. Fortunately or unfortunately. Baha. I have to be up for work at six, and am unshowered .. which I refuse to do that early in the mornings, so I should do it now? Though I am not a night-showerer. I have spent my whole evening pacing the house and doing various pointless things to unwind just to go back to work. Morning will smack me hard ..
So what do you do? Not work. But the winding down.
Just in the first few things you've written here -- I think we'll understand each other juuust fine. Fortunately or unfortunately. Baha. I have to be up for work at six, and am unshowered .. which I refuse to do that early in the mornings, so I should do it now? Though I am not a night-showerer. I have spent my whole evening pacing the house and doing various pointless things to unwind just to go back to work. Morning will smack me hard ..
So what do you do? Not work. But the winding down.
disynthetic:
Winding down? There are two answers. One which I used to do most all of the time, and the other which I attempt to do in order to trick myself into thinking I am maturing and becoming more responsible with age.
The former of the two things I do is to just occupy my attention until I pass out with exhaustion. In other words, I would just do whatever I wanted to do compulsively until I had to go to sleep (whether I wanted to or not). Essentially I let my compulsive tendencies wear me out until I had no choice. Whether it was "just one more TV show," or, "just one more chapter of this fantastic book," or--at my most irresponsible--"just one more drink." All of which commonly took place at the most irrational of circumstances with respect to my responsibilities the next day. My answer then? "I'll just have to do it anyway. Get through it. You're strong enough. And the side effects will teach you to not do this to yourself next time." It's a damn shame that the truly crazy people do not understand that if you do the same thing time after time, you will not get a different result, no matter how many times you do it--yes, I am definitely calling myself crazy, irrational, and inconsistent. Three things I don't necessarily appreciate in other people I find prevalent in myself. Maybe that's why we don't always get along with family, because they are very much like us in the ways which we don't like us... ourselves... er, hopefully you get the meaning.
The latter of the two things--which I have had a fair modicum of success with as of late--involves me forcing myself to "just do" the things that I consciously know are right and best for me (I'm getting better at it) and for others (this one tends to be easier for me, though I suspect the motivation is a selfish method of feeling better and more confident about the things I do).
I have always been a optimistic skeptic--the order of the wording is significant. It's been my natural tendency to paint things that I believe to be real, as real. But when most people would have realized they were wrong and that their ideal is not really real, that is when I become skeptical. I become skeptical about what they know. I think it's pish-posh (felt funny to say, but eh).
But these more recent ( I'm talking weeks and days, this change was slooowwwww, but cumulative nonetheless) times... winding down is really all about slowing yourself down. Tell your mind, "Now dammit, you have been going a mile a minute all day long. If you were one of my close friends I'd slap you because I thought you were having a fit of hysteria. Listen to yourself! It's 2am for crying out loud and I'm trying to get some peaceful sleep but you just WON'T shut the hell up because you LOVE the way your voice sounds. Is that it? Now go to sleep!"
I'm not going to even deny that I have dialogs with myself, much like that, on a daily basis.
It's actually kinda fun bossing yourself around, when it works.
And I don't care if I look silly doing it.
The former of the two things I do is to just occupy my attention until I pass out with exhaustion. In other words, I would just do whatever I wanted to do compulsively until I had to go to sleep (whether I wanted to or not). Essentially I let my compulsive tendencies wear me out until I had no choice. Whether it was "just one more TV show," or, "just one more chapter of this fantastic book," or--at my most irresponsible--"just one more drink." All of which commonly took place at the most irrational of circumstances with respect to my responsibilities the next day. My answer then? "I'll just have to do it anyway. Get through it. You're strong enough. And the side effects will teach you to not do this to yourself next time." It's a damn shame that the truly crazy people do not understand that if you do the same thing time after time, you will not get a different result, no matter how many times you do it--yes, I am definitely calling myself crazy, irrational, and inconsistent. Three things I don't necessarily appreciate in other people I find prevalent in myself. Maybe that's why we don't always get along with family, because they are very much like us in the ways which we don't like us... ourselves... er, hopefully you get the meaning.
The latter of the two things--which I have had a fair modicum of success with as of late--involves me forcing myself to "just do" the things that I consciously know are right and best for me (I'm getting better at it) and for others (this one tends to be easier for me, though I suspect the motivation is a selfish method of feeling better and more confident about the things I do).
I have always been a optimistic skeptic--the order of the wording is significant. It's been my natural tendency to paint things that I believe to be real, as real. But when most people would have realized they were wrong and that their ideal is not really real, that is when I become skeptical. I become skeptical about what they know. I think it's pish-posh (felt funny to say, but eh).
But these more recent ( I'm talking weeks and days, this change was slooowwwww, but cumulative nonetheless) times... winding down is really all about slowing yourself down. Tell your mind, "Now dammit, you have been going a mile a minute all day long. If you were one of my close friends I'd slap you because I thought you were having a fit of hysteria. Listen to yourself! It's 2am for crying out loud and I'm trying to get some peaceful sleep but you just WON'T shut the hell up because you LOVE the way your voice sounds. Is that it? Now go to sleep!"
I'm not going to even deny that I have dialogs with myself, much like that, on a daily basis.
It's actually kinda fun bossing yourself around, when it works.
And I don't care if I look silly doing it.
In fact. Funny that you mention [both sides of] that argument; the point where you decide that you are going to let yourself quit [and you have the right, and screw everyone, and so forth] and then two steps beyond that, if you make it those two steps .. where the tables turn and you're there on your own accord. You were at the quitting point, and you didn't, so now it's your terms and you're officially there because you want to -- whereas before it was because ________ had placed you there.
This is generally my issue, and it's a weakness. If someone else puts me somewhere and I'm in distress, I'll rebel. If I choose to be somewhere and I'm in distress, I excel. So you're 100% right that it's a game -- and it's just a matter of turning that corner and your perspective .. allowing yourself to change who's keeping you there .. I guess without it bugging you that that's all it is [manipulation].
The only way it really works is if there's truth to it, so I have to believe that I could leave if I wanted, and I'm choosing to stay, so I pretty much decide to quit every day. I imagine myself doing some tension-filled balance beam walk the whole time. Anything could push me. In reality? I probably won't.. but a younger me has walked had panic attacks under lesser conditions, or punched out various dispensers in bathrooms and stormed out in a fury, and been done with it. Never come back. Being aware of my potential is enough. I'm choosing to stay every minute.
I mean, sometimes I like to look at it kind of like the way I actively choose not to smash the flat end of a pint glass into a guy's eye socket every minute. Conscious decisions, you know? :]
Okay. That was actually me being positive, but I think it read as rather brimstoney. Meh, .. forgive. How'd the breezey day go?