How can such a short time feel so long?
Exposure--in retrospect and denial (to completely forego any notion of context, much less a specific temporal focus, because that is the only way I will get this out)--is for me a trade-off between a willingness to feel vulnerable and a need to have sensation. I guess it would be synonymous with disclosure, yet the choice of the word indicates a less-specific connotation. A more open-ended potentiality for the meaning. It could be considered a more versatile tool... more meaning to come to the ending.
Well wouldn't you know, it would seem that it is time to break my week-plus of silence.
I guess I felt like my last words needed to sink in. Now, I did not mean for anyone other than myself. I don't need to go around being that conceited and/or condescending. But obviously I have no problem continuing on in an overly self-conscious way. Should I be concerned with how understood my words are? It would be either that or I selectively lack confidence in certain areas. Don't look too far into that--because I already did, and I can see where it could go.
(Do you think it shows poor character that I sometimes derive great enjoyment from speaking in an obtuse way? In a way it is essentially verbal masturbation. Should I be doing it in-front of so many witnesses (well, most likely very FEW, in reality)? I never thought of myself as an exhibitionist.)
It looks as if I still have some ego issues, and not any specific interpretation of ego, but all the ones that pertain to self. That doesn't seem all that surprising. I am not my psychologist because of the conflict of interest (and the pure absurdity of the notion). That is a bit of a deep thought for me now that I am thinking about it. Could that be why progress and stability are not-so-forthcoming in my life, so far? Would it be that you cannot carry out things in a vacuum (the vacuum here would be my independence from another human perspective)? That would be a very proper question for me to find an answer to. A prerequisite answer.
Often when I am writing I find that I come to a concluding point and suddenly get the impulse that, "that is enough, you have made your point." It is a feeling of done-ness. As if I do not need to write any more. It strikes me as lazy self-gratification. Like my message is SO AMAZINGLY INSIGHTFUL that I don't need to share anymore of it with others. Or is it just as conceited to think about it in that way? Not sure now. I guess that sometimes the only thing worse than feeling misunderstood is being perfectly understood.
The point is that I think I do that in life and out in the real world, too. I can think back to so very many times when I just wanted done with it and I half-ass-ed the effort. I can think of a lot of reasons for doing that. The one that "feels right" is the belief that it comes from my quick-to-get-bored mindset. I have had manic infatuations--person, place, or thing--that evaporate suddenly. Often it happened after successive difficulty. Each attempt at getting back on track found me trying less and less and moving further and further away. It makes me feel guilty now and it makes me feel that nothing will be anything until I learn to take my time and appreciate it. Stay close to it long enough to connect to it. So that I can come to know whether it is real. Alas, I do not mean to sound so melodramatic. Really, my perception is to blame, for I am so generally skeptical of things that my perception is not trusted either.
I'm not really sure if it perpetually has me on my toes, always ready, or if I am always on my heels. As if reeling from a blow. The meaning I choose to take from it is that I am rarely found standing squarely on my feet. Well. Exploring these thoughts and feelings through metaphor (and whatever other methods of wordplay I chose!) only goes so far. It won't count as real change until I catch myself in the act, not after. But I have definitely been consciously redirecting behavior. I am very proud to say that. I can say that I have not been falling into lockstep with old tunes, as much as I had before. This is clear progress, and clearly better.
Exposure--in retrospect and denial (to completely forego any notion of context, much less a specific temporal focus, because that is the only way I will get this out)--is for me a trade-off between a willingness to feel vulnerable and a need to have sensation. I guess it would be synonymous with disclosure, yet the choice of the word indicates a less-specific connotation. A more open-ended potentiality for the meaning. It could be considered a more versatile tool... more meaning to come to the ending.
Well wouldn't you know, it would seem that it is time to break my week-plus of silence.
I guess I felt like my last words needed to sink in. Now, I did not mean for anyone other than myself. I don't need to go around being that conceited and/or condescending. But obviously I have no problem continuing on in an overly self-conscious way. Should I be concerned with how understood my words are? It would be either that or I selectively lack confidence in certain areas. Don't look too far into that--because I already did, and I can see where it could go.
(Do you think it shows poor character that I sometimes derive great enjoyment from speaking in an obtuse way? In a way it is essentially verbal masturbation. Should I be doing it in-front of so many witnesses (well, most likely very FEW, in reality)? I never thought of myself as an exhibitionist.)
It looks as if I still have some ego issues, and not any specific interpretation of ego, but all the ones that pertain to self. That doesn't seem all that surprising. I am not my psychologist because of the conflict of interest (and the pure absurdity of the notion). That is a bit of a deep thought for me now that I am thinking about it. Could that be why progress and stability are not-so-forthcoming in my life, so far? Would it be that you cannot carry out things in a vacuum (the vacuum here would be my independence from another human perspective)? That would be a very proper question for me to find an answer to. A prerequisite answer.
Often when I am writing I find that I come to a concluding point and suddenly get the impulse that, "that is enough, you have made your point." It is a feeling of done-ness. As if I do not need to write any more. It strikes me as lazy self-gratification. Like my message is SO AMAZINGLY INSIGHTFUL that I don't need to share anymore of it with others. Or is it just as conceited to think about it in that way? Not sure now. I guess that sometimes the only thing worse than feeling misunderstood is being perfectly understood.
The point is that I think I do that in life and out in the real world, too. I can think back to so very many times when I just wanted done with it and I half-ass-ed the effort. I can think of a lot of reasons for doing that. The one that "feels right" is the belief that it comes from my quick-to-get-bored mindset. I have had manic infatuations--person, place, or thing--that evaporate suddenly. Often it happened after successive difficulty. Each attempt at getting back on track found me trying less and less and moving further and further away. It makes me feel guilty now and it makes me feel that nothing will be anything until I learn to take my time and appreciate it. Stay close to it long enough to connect to it. So that I can come to know whether it is real. Alas, I do not mean to sound so melodramatic. Really, my perception is to blame, for I am so generally skeptical of things that my perception is not trusted either.
I'm not really sure if it perpetually has me on my toes, always ready, or if I am always on my heels. As if reeling from a blow. The meaning I choose to take from it is that I am rarely found standing squarely on my feet. Well. Exploring these thoughts and feelings through metaphor (and whatever other methods of wordplay I chose!) only goes so far. It won't count as real change until I catch myself in the act, not after. But I have definitely been consciously redirecting behavior. I am very proud to say that. I can say that I have not been falling into lockstep with old tunes, as much as I had before. This is clear progress, and clearly better.