dredg - Bug Eyes
Bring back those good old days
Nothing feels right
Nothing ever goes my way
I threw my future away
Now I'll walk alone out here in the cold
Wandering astray
Where's my future
Gonna need a home
You'd expect the same now wouldn't you
Wouldn't you
Your journey back to birth
Is haunting you
It's haunting you
Your departure from the Earth
Is haunting you
It's haunting you
Only those who accept
Will find that acceptance in return
We have been trimmed down like hedges
Told just to sit
And wilt and spit at each other from a distance
With constant resistance from you
Gonna need a home
You'd expect the same now wouldn't you
Wouldn't you
Your journey back to birth
Is haunting you
It's haunting you
Your departure from the Earth
Is haunting you
It's haunting you
It's been ten years strong
That's much too long
It's time to do something good for my health
Time to do something good myself
It's been ten years strong
That's much too long
It's time to do something good for my health
Time to do something good myself
It's too easy to get caught up in over-thinking everything that goes on in life. When I noticed today, that I had spent 45 minutes trying to move a graph on a spreadsheet. I needed to movie it one pixel up, without moving it to the left or right. I kept overshooting. Trying different tricks. My eyes started straining after a half an hour. I still didn't even notice for another 15 minutes of fiddling. An astute witness might figure out how carried away I get with my idiosyncratic fixations. They aren't even consist -.-
Last night when I was unable to sleep, I was not unable to think. Makes me wonder if the two are related. Now I'm in the opposite position, able to sleep and unable to think. Clearly, that is. I have so many things stuck like they're glued to the same spot in my mind that they were last night. Over the course of today a few extra thoughts got stuck in there too. But those are stuck with velcro instead.
Trying to fall asleep in a black room without a single particle or wave of light is, in a way, like being blind. With no visual distractions my mind becomes more focused. Two hours of silent contemplation brought me to thinking about why I am having difficulty getting close to people. It isn't because of a lack or wanting or trying, it seems. Strangely enough, it seems to make sense to me that it is because of how I learned to cope with my childhood.
You see, most days of the week were spent anticipating pain and drugged-mind states that left me incoherent and sick. It was a consistent ritual every week of chemotherapy. I eventually learned to push it all out of my mind and ignore it. To deny it any meaning to the present or future. I ended up forgetting most of it over time. That's not much of an accomplishment being that I really couldn't remember much of it if I really tried. Just push it away until tomorrow. I became that way about everything, though. I guess your brain sticks with what worked in the past, even if it no longer applies.
It slowly came to me last night that the reason I don't understand closeness is because it doesn't fit in with my survival instinct. I wasn't understanding why I wanted something that was the opposite of what helped me get through a bunch of shit. It's been a long road of negative reinforcement in all things I did. Just frustration and confusion, really. Circular thinking reinforces itself and I nothing ever broke it because I'm so very stubborn. I learn things slowly. I literally beat my head against the wall until something works instead of taking the time to read the directions or ask for help. And I'm always the last to know when it comes to social things.
I'm going to try and look past everything I've ever learned. I've gone through worse than this before, so I see no reason why I can't just let down my guard, open my eyes, and open myself. I should probably start with my mom. I owe her for being there and giving up her education and severely limiting her career opportunities as a young mother taking care of a sick kid. I grew up ungrateful, callous, cold, distant, and worst of all, disappointing. She'd never say it but the things I've done to her really have hurt her. I need to start again with her.
I don't want to take from the people I know, not anymore. All that I have taken so far doesn't make me feel enriched and lucky as I should. Easy come, easy go.
Bring back those good old days
Nothing feels right
Nothing ever goes my way
I threw my future away
Now I'll walk alone out here in the cold
Wandering astray
Where's my future
Gonna need a home
You'd expect the same now wouldn't you
Wouldn't you
Your journey back to birth
Is haunting you
It's haunting you
Your departure from the Earth
Is haunting you
It's haunting you
Only those who accept
Will find that acceptance in return
We have been trimmed down like hedges
Told just to sit
And wilt and spit at each other from a distance
With constant resistance from you
Gonna need a home
You'd expect the same now wouldn't you
Wouldn't you
Your journey back to birth
Is haunting you
It's haunting you
Your departure from the Earth
Is haunting you
It's haunting you
It's been ten years strong
That's much too long
It's time to do something good for my health
Time to do something good myself
It's been ten years strong
That's much too long
It's time to do something good for my health
Time to do something good myself
It's too easy to get caught up in over-thinking everything that goes on in life. When I noticed today, that I had spent 45 minutes trying to move a graph on a spreadsheet. I needed to movie it one pixel up, without moving it to the left or right. I kept overshooting. Trying different tricks. My eyes started straining after a half an hour. I still didn't even notice for another 15 minutes of fiddling. An astute witness might figure out how carried away I get with my idiosyncratic fixations. They aren't even consist -.-
Last night when I was unable to sleep, I was not unable to think. Makes me wonder if the two are related. Now I'm in the opposite position, able to sleep and unable to think. Clearly, that is. I have so many things stuck like they're glued to the same spot in my mind that they were last night. Over the course of today a few extra thoughts got stuck in there too. But those are stuck with velcro instead.
Trying to fall asleep in a black room without a single particle or wave of light is, in a way, like being blind. With no visual distractions my mind becomes more focused. Two hours of silent contemplation brought me to thinking about why I am having difficulty getting close to people. It isn't because of a lack or wanting or trying, it seems. Strangely enough, it seems to make sense to me that it is because of how I learned to cope with my childhood.
You see, most days of the week were spent anticipating pain and drugged-mind states that left me incoherent and sick. It was a consistent ritual every week of chemotherapy. I eventually learned to push it all out of my mind and ignore it. To deny it any meaning to the present or future. I ended up forgetting most of it over time. That's not much of an accomplishment being that I really couldn't remember much of it if I really tried. Just push it away until tomorrow. I became that way about everything, though. I guess your brain sticks with what worked in the past, even if it no longer applies.
It slowly came to me last night that the reason I don't understand closeness is because it doesn't fit in with my survival instinct. I wasn't understanding why I wanted something that was the opposite of what helped me get through a bunch of shit. It's been a long road of negative reinforcement in all things I did. Just frustration and confusion, really. Circular thinking reinforces itself and I nothing ever broke it because I'm so very stubborn. I learn things slowly. I literally beat my head against the wall until something works instead of taking the time to read the directions or ask for help. And I'm always the last to know when it comes to social things.
I'm going to try and look past everything I've ever learned. I've gone through worse than this before, so I see no reason why I can't just let down my guard, open my eyes, and open myself. I should probably start with my mom. I owe her for being there and giving up her education and severely limiting her career opportunities as a young mother taking care of a sick kid. I grew up ungrateful, callous, cold, distant, and worst of all, disappointing. She'd never say it but the things I've done to her really have hurt her. I need to start again with her.
I don't want to take from the people I know, not anymore. All that I have taken so far doesn't make me feel enriched and lucky as I should. Easy come, easy go.
Can't argue that you'd want to keep up with something that worked for you in the first place -- in that, it was serving its purpose, so why not hang onto it. But you're right, and some things wear out. If you don't need to be coping anymore, or protecting yourself, then it's just a routine -- and most people don't get as far as to realize that. They say, fuck it, it's who I am. I just do this, or I just don't do that. And I'm just this kind of person or not that kind of person, so deal with it. I think it takes odd [yep, sorry] emotional maturity to, at this point in life, become dynamic and reevaluate. I hope that you're right and you're able. For your sake.
Yes, everything you said makes a lot of sense. I've heard some excuses for this in the past -- for keeping a giant arm's length, etc. Some I can accept to a degree and some I'm pretty sure are total bullshit [though I try my best not to judge because, of course, I was not there and to each his own and yada yada] .. because I feel like I've got a good case for stiff-arming like a champ, and I happened to go the other direction. I feel this was by total chance, and I'm happy for it -- but it was luck. And I it was only in the last couple years that I could count myself as being healthy and able to make good interpersonal decisions and moves. Still, sometimes I do the equivalent of screaming at a feather's touch. But everyone's moving down their own little roads at their own little paces.
People live their whole lives this way that you talk about, and I have watched them sink back farther and farther. Skin cools off entirely, eventually; I've never understood it. But I have to figure there was a point somewhere along the way where they could've turned back. So I hope you do.
Moms .. moms are tough. They choose to give up what they do and they're better people for doing it. I think a lot of us hurt them tremendously but it just shows their strength of character in the end -- especially if "[they'd] never say it." She'll really appreciate it. I don't really get "mom-relationships" but am interested. I am not just saying that, though it sounds stupid. You should tell me about this sometime, even if there's not much to say.
Also. I cannot sleep in total darkness or in total silence for this reason. It's why I fall asleep to the news, at a very low volume. So that I can almost hear what they're saying, but not enough to really follow. Partly because I'm used to a noisy household and had trouble adjusting, but that led to .. silence and darkness = total alertness. I will lay awake for hours. Nearly the entire night. Turn the TV on or even something that hums loudly and I'm asleep in minutes. Maybe you need noise. :/
.. gimme that hot chocolate. -_-;