I have to be up for class in 6 hours. I haven't even showered after working this evening. At least not yet. I just have the most difficult time winding down after being at work in the evenings.
At any rate, fast or slow, ready or not... I'll get there all the same. It is a bit amusing to think back about all the times I stressed myself out about this or that, with the absolute conviction that I had absolute control over my fate. How naive can one be? It really seems that even the strongest trees can get blown down by a stronger wind.
I hate when what I intend to communicate gets muddled by metaphors about metaphors. It's almost like this communication thing is still evading me despite years of (in)experience.
Well I guess it's good to be back on SuicideGirls--one of the few places in life where one practically trips over unique, interesting, and open-minded people. But don't take that the wrong way, I don't want to stereotype or prejudge people I don't even know ; )
-You can call me Cale.
At any rate, fast or slow, ready or not... I'll get there all the same. It is a bit amusing to think back about all the times I stressed myself out about this or that, with the absolute conviction that I had absolute control over my fate. How naive can one be? It really seems that even the strongest trees can get blown down by a stronger wind.
I hate when what I intend to communicate gets muddled by metaphors about metaphors. It's almost like this communication thing is still evading me despite years of (in)experience.
Well I guess it's good to be back on SuicideGirls--one of the few places in life where one practically trips over unique, interesting, and open-minded people. But don't take that the wrong way, I don't want to stereotype or prejudge people I don't even know ; )
-You can call me Cale.
Just in the first few things you've written here -- I think we'll understand each other juuust fine. Fortunately or unfortunately. Baha. I have to be up for work at six, and am unshowered .. which I refuse to do that early in the mornings, so I should do it now? Though I am not a night-showerer. I have spent my whole evening pacing the house and doing various pointless things to unwind just to go back to work. Morning will smack me hard ..
So what do you do? Not work. But the winding down.
The former of the two things I do is to just occupy my attention until I pass out with exhaustion. In other words, I would just do whatever I wanted to do compulsively until I had to go to sleep (whether I wanted to or not). Essentially I let my compulsive tendencies wear me out until I had no choice. Whether it was "just one more TV show," or, "just one more chapter of this fantastic book," or--at my most irresponsible--"just one more drink." All of which commonly took place at the most irrational of circumstances with respect to my responsibilities the next day. My answer then? "I'll just have to do it anyway. Get through it. You're strong enough. And the side effects will teach you to not do this to yourself next time." It's a damn shame that the truly crazy people do not understand that if you do the same thing time after time, you will not get a different result, no matter how many times you do it--yes, I am definitely calling myself crazy, irrational, and inconsistent. Three things I don't necessarily appreciate in other people I find prevalent in myself. Maybe that's why we don't always get along with family, because they are very much like us in the ways which we don't like us... ourselves... er, hopefully you get the meaning.
The latter of the two things--which I have had a fair modicum of success with as of late--involves me forcing myself to "just do" the things that I consciously know are right and best for me (I'm getting better at it) and for others (this one tends to be easier for me, though I suspect the motivation is a selfish method of feeling better and more confident about the things I do).
I have always been a optimistic skeptic--the order of the wording is significant. It's been my natural tendency to paint things that I believe to be real, as real. But when most people would have realized they were wrong and that their ideal is not really real, that is when I become skeptical. I become skeptical about what they know. I think it's pish-posh (felt funny to say, but eh).
But these more recent ( I'm talking weeks and days, this change was slooowwwww, but cumulative nonetheless) times... winding down is really all about slowing yourself down. Tell your mind, "Now dammit, you have been going a mile a minute all day long. If you were one of my close friends I'd slap you because I thought you were having a fit of hysteria. Listen to yourself! It's 2am for crying out loud and I'm trying to get some peaceful sleep but you just WON'T shut the hell up because you LOVE the way your voice sounds. Is that it? Now go to sleep!"
I'm not going to even deny that I have dialogs with myself, much like that, on a daily basis.
It's actually kinda fun bossing yourself around, when it works.
And I don't care if I look silly doing it.