disposableargent

I went and saw my doctor today. We spoke longer than the hour we were supposed to go...it's funny because she used to work with my mother at Health & Human Services. She is one of the few people besides my very close friends who understands me...and that is something you need when talking to a shrink. I agree with her in thinking that the season and the time of year has a lot to do with that last panic attack.

Because i've been trying to force it out of my mind and it just won't go.

Next month will be the one year anniversary of my grandfathers last breath. Instead of accepting the fact that it's coming back around again...i've been trying to rid my mind of it. It's not right that i do that...He was a great man and everything i've ever wanted to be....

...and for some reason i'm trying to force that out of my head. Not the death of him...but everything about him. I can say right now that i don't know why i was trying to do that. I know i'm stronger than that...i've been through a lot of shit that would have ended a lot of other people. I don't even know why i'm trying to forget him considering he is the reason that my life has gotten better over the past year.

Before his death i was so deep in depression that i don't even remember 2003-2006. It's all basically blur of work and buying shit i really didn't need. I shut myself in and didn't speak to any of my friends. I stopped playing music and was just here. It's funny because I even remember making blogs and going to concerts...but i don't even remember enjoying it. I basically lived off of the pleasure of the shit that i bought and occasional make out sessions with girls who when in my right mind i wouldn't have even touched.

Then came the news of his death and i didn't even cry then. It really didn't hit me until after i had carried the casket with seven of my other cousins to his final resting place. The local Army shot three rounds into the air...a bugler played taps and handed a flag to my uncle. Still nothing...and then my Aunt came up to me hugged me and said "He Loved You soo much".

I fell apart...it was like every last bit of what had clouded my mind came out in the minute and half we hugged and cried. I'm the worlds biggest cynic when it comes to religion...but that is closest i've come to feeling like there is something greater than us here. The clouds parted like in some cheezy movie and the breeze picked up...and to this day i think my grandfatther took that part of me away. I haven't even felt that haze of depression return...sure i've had my bad days...but nothing like i had.

I returned home with my family and everything had changed. I had realized that i had been in a job for two years that i never would've wanted to even start otherwise. However because of the depression it was money and work....but it was nothing i enjoyed. So i quit and i didn't care what job i picked up as long as it was something i could enjoy. I started playing my guitar...I mean really playing it. Not just picking it up for a second while watching t.v. playing a few chords and setting it down. I mean the t.v. is off the volume is up and i'm cranking out music.

I now work at a job i love, I found old friends i didn't know cared about me at all until i went to pieces, and religiously play any of my guitars every day.

It wasn't the stress of being on the internet all the time, my job or any of that shite. It was me trying to push my grandfather away and it was me trying to tell myself i can't do that. If i do...well it's a lot like driving 80 mph (128 kph for you crazy people) and then throwing it in reverse. It destroys the vehicle...and in this weird analogy that vehicle happens to be me.