disdain

it's such a long story. so long, in fact, that it began officially nearly nine years ago. a boy story. and a girl story.
we grew up in the 'couve. around the block from eachother. he was the older bad boy, punkrocker: skateboard, mohawk, too tight dirty jeans. i was the ugly duckling chubby girl, too shy to fit in, too bored to care. during the summer between the 9th and 10th grades i would take the city bus to my summer school algebra class, he would take the city bus to his friend's house to drink and party. i had a crush. once, that august, he gave me a show flyer, asked me to come along. the family vacation kept me away.
summer ended. he went to catholic school. i went to public school. he got lost.
>insert years of life here<
when i was 17, almost 18, i got a job working at the carousel inside of jantzen beach mall. once in a while i'd see this boy in the food court. "such a cute boy," i thought. the cute boy never paid me any attention. i was still the too shy chubby girl, only with a big ol' chip on my shoulder.
when i was 21 i got a job working mall security at jantzen beach. at some point i decided that i would like to own a bicycle. i went to copeland sports, just looking. i found the cute boy. the cute boy showed me bikes. once in a while the cute boy would go to the hobby shop in the mall. the cute boy and i started chatting now and then. i bought a bike. the boy asked me out on a date. i remember being on cloud nine.
story of my life, the boy flakes out on me.
while working mall secrity, i made friends with the loss prevention people at copeland's. on my 22nd birthday, copeland sports offered me a job in their loss prevention department. a blingy new job, complete with a three dollar an hour raise. i mostly avoid the boy in the bike depatment.
one day he asks why i never talk to him.
we start to talk. he's just been through a bad break up. i have a crappy coke-head non-boyfriend boyfriend thing. we talk. and we talk. he remembers who i am! out of nowhere.
"i know you!"
"what?" i'm bewildered.
"i know you, you're the girl from the bus. you were bigger. you had a backpack with lots of keychains. i know you."
"i know you!" i do. "you gave me a show flyer!"
what are the chances, right? i also happen to be moving into a new apartment that happens to be in the same building that one of his friends lives in.
i move in. his friend lives directly across the hall.
we start to hang out. fairly regularly. for the next year and a half... don't worry, we're getting there... we develop a close friendship. we sleep in the same bed. we tell secrets. we never touch... untill one night when we get drunk and i try to kiss him. it's all down hill from there, kids. things become awkward and forced.
he gets a real job. a 9 to 5 type deal. things were strained as it was, schedules changed. he was lost again. that was nearly a year ago.
we hung out once six months ago.
we hung out again a couple of weeks ago. and again. and again.
he picked me up from work last night because i was sick and i didn't want to ride the bus home. he drove from vancouver out to clackams, picked me up, and took me home.
today, he told me that things have changed. that they feel different now. that i'm sexy.
i can't say that this will go anywhere. but i think that if it does, it could be really wonderful. i could also get my heart broken. i felt myself falling in love with this man about a year ago & was rejected when i tried to kiss him. my timing was bad, my feelings were hurt.
now, what to say............
what to do?
best not to think about it, i guess. and just let myself feel it out.