There are days when something or someone can just come along out of no where & just totally blindside.
No matter how much I try & convince my self that I'm o.k. & nothing is wrong something always pops up to show me otherwise.
I've tried to hate her, I've tried to forget her, I've tried to put her out of my head, I've tried to distract myself, I've tried to convince myself I'm o.k. alone.
I pick fights when we talk so I have a reason to be mad. Then I cave and appologize a few minutes later. It's easier when I can't see her, it's outta sight, outta mind, BUT it still leaves me to wonder what she's doing, what she's feeling, where she is, who she's with & why I'm not there with her..
When we speak I want to ask all these questions afraid that I relly don't want the answer or will I even believe her if I get the answer I want....
Then when I see her I remember everything we had once & what I want again... Everything that I really did lose.
I wonder if we really can ever be friends again. I couldn't stand seeing her with someone else.. I want her to be happy and I wanna be there for her.
I know I'd crack if I saw her with someone else. There's no way I could take it, no way in hell. I lie & pretend I'm glad she's gone so that everyone thinks I'm just fine. No one knows that it eats at me & I can't sleep sometimes. i think think sometimes.
I hate myself on a daily basis.
Everyone thinks I should hate her. Don't get it twisted, part of me get's so angry everytime I speak to her. Problem is a bigger part of me can't picture life without her...
I need to go to bed. I need more than 4 hours sleep tonite.
Sleep that's funny, she used to need me to sleep next to her. Even when she took a nap she came to get me because she could sleep so much better when I was there...
Writing this though my stomach hurts because I can't stand to think about everything she did & lied about & then layed next to me..
I'm angry, hurt, sad, lonely, frustrated, sick, tired I'm really just at my wits end...
I'm going to sleep now.. trying not to think of her for one night.....
No matter how much I try & convince my self that I'm o.k. & nothing is wrong something always pops up to show me otherwise.
I've tried to hate her, I've tried to forget her, I've tried to put her out of my head, I've tried to distract myself, I've tried to convince myself I'm o.k. alone.
I pick fights when we talk so I have a reason to be mad. Then I cave and appologize a few minutes later. It's easier when I can't see her, it's outta sight, outta mind, BUT it still leaves me to wonder what she's doing, what she's feeling, where she is, who she's with & why I'm not there with her..
When we speak I want to ask all these questions afraid that I relly don't want the answer or will I even believe her if I get the answer I want....
Then when I see her I remember everything we had once & what I want again... Everything that I really did lose.
I wonder if we really can ever be friends again. I couldn't stand seeing her with someone else.. I want her to be happy and I wanna be there for her.
I know I'd crack if I saw her with someone else. There's no way I could take it, no way in hell. I lie & pretend I'm glad she's gone so that everyone thinks I'm just fine. No one knows that it eats at me & I can't sleep sometimes. i think think sometimes.
I hate myself on a daily basis.
Everyone thinks I should hate her. Don't get it twisted, part of me get's so angry everytime I speak to her. Problem is a bigger part of me can't picture life without her...
I need to go to bed. I need more than 4 hours sleep tonite.
Sleep that's funny, she used to need me to sleep next to her. Even when she took a nap she came to get me because she could sleep so much better when I was there...
Writing this though my stomach hurts because I can't stand to think about everything she did & lied about & then layed next to me..
I'm angry, hurt, sad, lonely, frustrated, sick, tired I'm really just at my wits end...
I'm going to sleep now.. trying not to think of her for one night.....
siara:
... I am so sorry to hear you are going through this... its always fucking hard... its fucked now, but it will get better with time... *hugs*!!
... I am so sorry to hear you are going through this... its always fucking hard... its fucked now, but it will get better with time... *hugs*!!