*************Warning HUGE rant ahead**************
Well hell. Where do I start about these last few FUN FILLED days here with just me & Gabrielle?
Well from around 8am Sun morning till about 10pm last nite it was just the 2 of us.
I know it's kinda petty & I've bitched about it enough but dammit I really wanted to go see Story of the Year Sat...Well Gabrielle backed out b/c she had a "bad experience" at a concert like 5 yrs ago. So since we weren't going to that we went to the movies Fri night.(yeah that really compares to a concert...) So then Sat night she goes to her friend & ex b/f's b-day party. At first she was gonna come on home that night since mom was leaving at like 6-7 Sun morning. Then she decides she'll just come home by like 5-6 Sun morning. So then she get's here, late b/c of an accident, & just goes to bed & sleeps till a little afternoon...WTF was the point of her even comming here. & then by like 9pm that night she was bitchng she was tired & we needed to get to bed.....Uuuummm I have NOTHING to do tomorrow except get up around 10am so these guys can pump our septic tank & then I can go back to bed if I want, so I wanted to stay up. I just told her it was HER CHOICE to go out the night before KNOWING mom would be gone & she'd have to be here with me solo.. Well since I have to have a little help getting into bed she would either have to stay up OR I would have had to wake her up when I came to bed....She got PISSED. So I just said fuck it & went to bed...
These last few days have made me FULLY realize we will never be together again & it'll suprise the hell outta me if we come out of it as any kind of friends.
Our relationship was doomed from the begining. We've been on & off again for 3 yrs now. She's hurt me, I've hurt her. She struck first but in her eyes I've struck the biggest blows. I do whole heartedly admit that I royaly screwed up alot of stuff BUT there are also things that she blows WAAY out of porportion.
She wants a family & all that good stuff & she's thinking I'll never be able to have kids & I think she is no where near being mature or mentaly/emotionaly stable enough to even think about kids. I don't want to think about anymore kids right now or marriage. I'm now where near ready for it.
She moved in after my accident to help out with me. Then in Feb. I wrote on e-mail to someone just get some feelings off my chest & move on...Well Gabrielle saw the e-mails & didn't take them that way. She took it as me wanting to be with this other girl. I still cared about her but just not to a point that I wanted her over Gabrielle.... So we broke up..She's stayed here to help out & to try & work on us. Which I'll admit took alot to not just leave. I still talked to this other girl every now & then b/c I THOUGHT we had been good friends for a little over a yr & didn't want to just ignore her. She still liked to hear how I was doing & that was that. Plus I didn't want to be one of those guys who drops his female friends b/c his g/f said too.....Gabrielle gave up on us a long time ago b/c of this.
She's said so many times that she's going to leave now, but she never does. She says she'll miss me too much but she doesn't want a relationship with me, we have no physical relationship anymore & she's really hardly ever here anymore anyway..Then she says she knows going to feel guilty after she leaves b/c she knows basically all of my friends have quit comming around anymore too..She's been sticking around because she's not ready to say goodbye to me, my daughter & she doesn't want to leave with us on bad terms..
She wants us to be "friends" & for it to not be awkward if we see each other out somewhere. How can it NOT be??? I used to tell her "No! I don't want you to leave. I need you here." Not anymore...I just got tired of it. No I just say "Go then...If that's how you feel..go." She's told me she wants to leave in Jan.. Why? Hell I don't know. Her reason is it a new year & we can all just start fresh.............................OOOOKAAAYY. My feelings are if she's gonna go, go BEFORE the hollidays. I mean it's gonna suck either way but damn WHY STAY for the holidays. To me that would make the Hollidays WORSE b/c then you have to act like everything is o.k., nothing's wrong & it just becomes fake.
It's like I can't bring myself to tell her just get the fuck out b/c somewhere inside I do still love her & WANT to be with her But not if it's gonna be this way. She will flat out say she KNOWS she has emotional issues & that's why we fight so much. O.k. then do something about it, but she won't. She has MAJOR trust issues too. Which I contributed to those I will admit. She got PISSED at me the other nite b/c I was leaving a comment in someones journal & she saw in my e-mail that I had been e-mailing a member about a problem that was similar to something I went through. So I havent even been on the the net but for maybe 10 mins since Sat...I'm not allowed to have any kind of privacy. She thinks I shouldn't write about things that happen between us on here....she thinks the only thing I do on here is look at naked pics & flirt with girls...
She seriously thinks I should have no private thoughts or feelings AT ALL! Though it's cool for her to go outside & talk on the phone when her friends call & for her to go out & party with her friends & heaven forbid I ask a question That's too "personal" or ask about something that going on with one of her friends that's a "secret". I just give up...I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't anymore.....
Hell I've lost where I was even really goin' with all this. I think I just needed to get it all out. I actually feel a little better now.
I just have to vent sometimes....
I hope everyone had a better weekend & start of the week than myself!
Curently playing:
Papa Roach-Scars
Well hell. Where do I start about these last few FUN FILLED days here with just me & Gabrielle?
Well from around 8am Sun morning till about 10pm last nite it was just the 2 of us.
I know it's kinda petty & I've bitched about it enough but dammit I really wanted to go see Story of the Year Sat...Well Gabrielle backed out b/c she had a "bad experience" at a concert like 5 yrs ago. So since we weren't going to that we went to the movies Fri night.(yeah that really compares to a concert...)
So then Sat night she goes to her friend & ex b/f's b-day party. At first she was gonna come on home that night since mom was leaving at like 6-7 Sun morning. Then she decides she'll just come home by like 5-6 Sun morning. So then she get's here, late b/c of an accident, & just goes to bed & sleeps till a little afternoon...WTF was the point of her even comming here. & then by like 9pm that night she was bitchng she was tired & we needed to get to bed.....Uuuummm I have NOTHING to do tomorrow except get up around 10am so these guys can pump our septic tank & then I can go back to bed if I want, so I wanted to stay up. I just told her it was HER CHOICE to go out the night before KNOWING mom would be gone & she'd have to be here with me solo.. Well since I have to have a little help getting into bed she would either have to stay up OR I would have had to wake her up when I came to bed....She got PISSED. So I just said fuck it & went to bed...
These last few days have made me FULLY realize we will never be together again & it'll suprise the hell outta me if we come out of it as any kind of friends.
Our relationship was doomed from the begining. We've been on & off again for 3 yrs now. She's hurt me, I've hurt her. She struck first but in her eyes I've struck the biggest blows. I do whole heartedly admit that I royaly screwed up alot of stuff BUT there are also things that she blows WAAY out of porportion.
She wants a family & all that good stuff & she's thinking I'll never be able to have kids & I think she is no where near being mature or mentaly/emotionaly stable enough to even think about kids. I don't want to think about anymore kids right now or marriage. I'm now where near ready for it.
She moved in after my accident to help out with me. Then in Feb. I wrote on e-mail to someone just get some feelings off my chest & move on...Well Gabrielle saw the e-mails & didn't take them that way. She took it as me wanting to be with this other girl. I still cared about her but just not to a point that I wanted her over Gabrielle.... So we broke up..She's stayed here to help out & to try & work on us. Which I'll admit took alot to not just leave. I still talked to this other girl every now & then b/c I THOUGHT we had been good friends for a little over a yr & didn't want to just ignore her. She still liked to hear how I was doing & that was that. Plus I didn't want to be one of those guys who drops his female friends b/c his g/f said too.....Gabrielle gave up on us a long time ago b/c of this.
She's said so many times that she's going to leave now, but she never does. She says she'll miss me too much but she doesn't want a relationship with me, we have no physical relationship anymore & she's really hardly ever here anymore anyway..Then she says she knows going to feel guilty after she leaves b/c she knows basically all of my friends have quit comming around anymore too..She's been sticking around because she's not ready to say goodbye to me, my daughter & she doesn't want to leave with us on bad terms..
She wants us to be "friends" & for it to not be awkward if we see each other out somewhere. How can it NOT be??? I used to tell her "No! I don't want you to leave. I need you here." Not anymore...I just got tired of it. No I just say "Go then...If that's how you feel..go." She's told me she wants to leave in Jan.. Why? Hell I don't know. Her reason is it a new year & we can all just start fresh.............................OOOOKAAAYY. My feelings are if she's gonna go, go BEFORE the hollidays. I mean it's gonna suck either way but damn WHY STAY for the holidays. To me that would make the Hollidays WORSE b/c then you have to act like everything is o.k., nothing's wrong & it just becomes fake.
It's like I can't bring myself to tell her just get the fuck out b/c somewhere inside I do still love her & WANT to be with her But not if it's gonna be this way. She will flat out say she KNOWS she has emotional issues & that's why we fight so much. O.k. then do something about it, but she won't. She has MAJOR trust issues too. Which I contributed to those I will admit. She got PISSED at me the other nite b/c I was leaving a comment in someones journal & she saw in my e-mail that I had been e-mailing a member about a problem that was similar to something I went through. So I havent even been on the the net but for maybe 10 mins since Sat...I'm not allowed to have any kind of privacy. She thinks I shouldn't write about things that happen between us on here....she thinks the only thing I do on here is look at naked pics & flirt with girls...
She seriously thinks I should have no private thoughts or feelings AT ALL! Though it's cool for her to go outside & talk on the phone when her friends call & for her to go out & party with her friends & heaven forbid I ask a question That's too "personal" or ask about something that going on with one of her friends that's a "secret". I just give up...I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't anymore.....
Hell I've lost where I was even really goin' with all this. I think I just needed to get it all out. I actually feel a little better now.
I just have to vent sometimes....
I hope everyone had a better weekend & start of the week than myself!
Curently playing:
Papa Roach-Scars
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Kisses