Warning: uncharacterist emo-tastic journal update ahead!
So the past 6+ months have been something wonderful for me - Aoede has enriched my life so much that the little blip over the summer with financial distress really didn't bother me very much. However, this weekend I got some pretty shocking ego-blows.
First off, looking over my finances, I'm actually worse off now than where I was before I started working in the oilfield. I'm in debt more, I'm further away from my peers in terms of years apart in school, and I've got more bills to pay each month than before. The only difference is that because of how much I get paid, everything's in equilibrium, despite the fact that I have more debt. I realize that I have more "stuff", but I really haven't moved forward any with my goals in life. I'm no closer to going back to school today than I was 2 years ago. And that's very depressing because while my peers are soon to graduate (if they haven't already), I technically haven't completed even full year of post-secondary yet. I've completely wasted all 4 years of my so-called adult life.
But despite such materialistic doubts, what makes me even more worried is that those things that I feel that I've accomplished (ie: more maturity, fuller sense of self, spiritual development), these are qualities that no one else can recognize and therefore I find that my peers view me in the same way they viewed me during the peak of my partying days. I mean, I haven't drank a single drink since my birthday last year, and my close friends still forget that I don't drink anymore. Did I make such an impression during my short party phase that I'm forever to be known as the hardcore partier? Haven't the changes I've made in my life shown that I'm somebody different now? Is there any real point to my personal growth if people still treat me the same?
Am I too young to be having a mid-life crisis?
So the past 6+ months have been something wonderful for me - Aoede has enriched my life so much that the little blip over the summer with financial distress really didn't bother me very much. However, this weekend I got some pretty shocking ego-blows.
First off, looking over my finances, I'm actually worse off now than where I was before I started working in the oilfield. I'm in debt more, I'm further away from my peers in terms of years apart in school, and I've got more bills to pay each month than before. The only difference is that because of how much I get paid, everything's in equilibrium, despite the fact that I have more debt. I realize that I have more "stuff", but I really haven't moved forward any with my goals in life. I'm no closer to going back to school today than I was 2 years ago. And that's very depressing because while my peers are soon to graduate (if they haven't already), I technically haven't completed even full year of post-secondary yet. I've completely wasted all 4 years of my so-called adult life.
But despite such materialistic doubts, what makes me even more worried is that those things that I feel that I've accomplished (ie: more maturity, fuller sense of self, spiritual development), these are qualities that no one else can recognize and therefore I find that my peers view me in the same way they viewed me during the peak of my partying days. I mean, I haven't drank a single drink since my birthday last year, and my close friends still forget that I don't drink anymore. Did I make such an impression during my short party phase that I'm forever to be known as the hardcore partier? Haven't the changes I've made in my life shown that I'm somebody different now? Is there any real point to my personal growth if people still treat me the same?
Am I too young to be having a mid-life crisis?
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
But in a serious light I think you're doing fine, if there is one thing I have come to understand it is that no one else can make you feel good about being you. You either are or you're not and when you aren't you make changes to feel better. If you don't then I would say worry about being static and what you should do. There is plenty of time in the world to get things done and make your life what you want it to be. Don't dance to anyone else's drum, keep your own pace and things will come in their time. It keeps you sane and reasonably stress free. Sure from time to time you'll have doubts and feel the crush but just relax and breath and think about it all. When you're ready to move into something you will. If you're happy and you know it, well that's better than most people who are going to school or have a degree in something they don't actually enjoy, working at jobs they hate just to pay bills and have a burden they call a life.
God do you realize that I'ld have been married and divorced and trapped in shitty jobs I hate with debt and probably bankruptcy coming out of my eye sockets had I followed the pace and path that people told me I was to supposed to go to "fit in". Later to figure out I wasted all that time and energy for nothing when I didn't really have a path but forced one.
Fuck em if they can't deal.
You are rock steady my man don't let them tell you otherwise.
That said, by the time I turn 34, I will just be finishing the first 2 years of a 4 year degree. Took a year off after high school,,, started college and my parents spilt and lot of shit happened. That was 1990. Took a few classes here and there, most of which I dropped, from 1992-1996. More crisis due to work schedules, etc... Fall of 2003, started at school again, with maybe 4 or 5 classes under my belt and now I am halfway there. Sure, I i wish I had finished 8 or whatever years ago, but I wold not be who I am today if it were not for the choices (good and bad) I made during those years. You are who you are today because of your decisions.... dont' regret who you are. When the time is right, whether now or 5 years from now, you'll go back to school.
The people above me have said it already... happiness is key. Wht is a life or a degree without happiness? And some who know you irl hace seen a positive change.... everything happens for a reason... don't forget that.
If you want to go to school now, see if you can take some online classes.... those were a savior for me as you can do the work at 6am, 6pm, whenever.... just don't doubt your choices in life because those are what make you you!