dick_shrapnel

Today was quite a day. Unlike those days I like to call "every other type of day besides this one". It started off with me waking up. As you see, this is nothing special. But the interesting part is about to begin. When I went downstairs to retrieve myself some delicious waffles for breakfast, since I was starving, I was shocked to find a young Kenyan boy looting through my fridge. I went in the kitchen, pulled him out and threw him on the ground, saying: "...the fuck you doing in my fridge, nigga?"....and he responded with "ooohh gaaa geeee click click". This pissed me off so I kicked him in the face. Apparently, Kenyan boys do not enjoy kicks to the face, and this one transformed into Voltron. After I got over the fact "holy shit this is fucking Voltron!", I decided I had to take action. He swung his sword at me and missed, so I ran and picked up some cans of soda and pelted them at him. They bothered him, but he was still angry and ready to kill. I then sprinted upstairs, found a belt, and started whipping the shit out of Voltron with it. He could not stand up to my mighty belt whippings, so he fell to the ground and malfunctioned. He then exploded, which sucks cause this ruined our damn kitchen. Thanks alot, Voltron, you petty explosive motherfucker. Well atleast the heat from the explosion left the waffles in the fridge nice and toasty, so I ate those for a delicious breakfast. Next, I walked outside, and I realized that Voltron teleported our home into the 28th dimension, where nothing is like it seems, everyone speaks Gaelic, the banjo is everyone's choice for an instrument, and everyone listens to Boston for their musical needs. I knew, from my previous studies in Alternate Dimensions class, that in order to get out of the 28th dimension, I needed to recite Norwegian poetry to the dimension's ruler, a giant bag of Swedish Fish who are part Swede, part fish, and ALL ATTITUDE. Finding a book with Norwegian poems proved to be a challenge for me. First, I found a man who knew tons of information, but was only willing to let me in on it by beating his legion of dolphins with guns that shoot swords that make you bleed guns. In order to defeat these beasts, I had to rely on my trusty Ultima Sword, which was really just a potato peeler that was painted green. After killing his pathetic hordes, I killed him too, because it was the heat of the moment and potato peelers make you do things. I then realized the potato peeler had taken me over, and I had been corrupted to the dark side of the Potato. I simply couldn't handle the damn peeler's immense inner powers. The peeler then used its dark energy to transform into a heat-seeking laser-guided nuclear missile covered in flaming tomahawks filled with giant exploding ninja wombats wielding poison-dipped incendiary chainsaws with serrated bastard swords laced with napalm duct-taped to them. I then teleported to the giant bag of Swedish Fish thanks to a fellow dark sider who has taken the shape of a basketball with eyes drawn on and a fake beard and cowboy hat. The giant bag of Swedish Fish, who wanted to be known as the disco legend formerly known as O RLY?, laughed at me in a foreign tongue that resembled Russian, and told me something in Russian that my dark power language translator translated to "You have come for the princess, but she is doing her taxes over some coffee with Dracula". I came to the conclusion that this was pure bullshit. I challenged him to a square dance, and I beat his ass with my superior square dancing skills, and then I fired my heat-seeking laser-guided nuclear missile covered in flaming tomahawks filled with giant exploding ninja wombats wielding poison-dipped incendiary chainsaws with serrated bastard swords laced with napalm duct-taped to them at him, and he exploded into millions of Clue board games that were given to little children, which made them happy....well, until they exploded in their face. I was then teleported back to my shithole neighborhood here in VA Beach, and I walked back to my home. I then found another Kenyan boy jerking off on my sofa, but I figured it was best to just leave him be and not get involved again.