diaphanous

So yeah, my beloved Geodon, the pill that was saving me from myself, landed me smack in the middle of a severe case of this shit. At one point it was so bad that I was in a restaurant with my mom when someone started singing Happy Birthday. I had to cover my ears and run outside because I just could not physically tolerate the noise. I'd scream if anyone touched me, practically. The long and short of it was, I flipped the fuck out.

Clearly, a new plan was needed.

New plan with the doc went something like "stop taking the geodon, stop taking the ativan - which was prescribed to deal with the bullshit from the geodon - start taking klonopin (anti-anxiety and a mild mood stabilizer) and add *drum roll please* trileptal. Trileptal is an anti-convulsant that is also been proven successful as a mood stabilizer.

Here's a fun fact about Trileptal - while it's being titrated, especially as your dosage increases, you begin to experience fun side effects like "total uncoordination" or "confusion" or "disassociative feelings" but my personal favorites are the "never ending headache" and "projectile vomiting". These side effects do apparently go away with time. The shorter the amount of time, the better. I hope.

I have thrown up everywhere this week. In a client's front yard, in the dentist's parking lot, in my office for a good half hour until I was crying.

I hit the end of my rope yesterday - I've been diligent with my therapy and my medications and my sleep and trying so very, very hard and I'm left staggering about, puking, with a blinding headache and I am cursing every day I had this disease I am cursing the destruction it's left behind me I am cursing every day of this miserable existence.

I still have hope in my somewhere that there's better days ahead but I am just feeling so very discouraged.

How is this better?