devilsreject

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was diagnosed with it some time ago.

After seeing a psychologist at the beginning of this year they wanted to start testing me for Asperger's disease because they believed me to be a high functioning Autistic.

They wanted to do this because i show the signs of tics. Tics are repeated movements that can either be simple or complex. I show the signs of a few complex tics.

They wanted me to test for Asperger's because of the tics, they weren't sure if it was my repetitive nervous nature of my OCD showing through or if Asperger's was causing it.

I also show several other mild symptoms of Asperger's, things like my ability to not socially interact and because of the way i show interests in certain subjects.

The psychologist made the assumption that i could possibly be a high functioning Autistic but more than likely i would be someone with mild Asperger's.

I never did the tests to determine if i had it or not, i just ran out of time and i show such mild signs of it, it usually doesn't effect my daily life.

It usually doesn't effect my daily life until i am put under huge amounts of stress.

I don't deal with anxiety well at all. To the point that i suffer from pretty severe anxiety attacks and with that comes self-harming tics that i don't really even realize i am doing.

Today brought out the best in all my disorders.

When my bosses invited me to meet them last week.

I told my main boss a while ago that i didn't want to be informed of when i was going to be laid off. For some reason he decided against that and told me the exact day i was going to be laid off.

The instant he told me i could feel the stress and anxiety building. Not ten minutes after he told me, i already started with behaviors that make my disorders shine through.

I have this thing, when i am anxious, that i grab my left hand with my right hand and rub my left palm with my right thumb. I have since worn through the skin on my left palm. It's kind of like a rug burn. What's really scary is i don't stop. I usually don't catch myself doing it and it's just rubbed an open sore into my left palm. Even if it hurts, i still do it unknowingly.

That started the instant i at in the parking lot after the talk.

The anxiety has been building over the past week since then. Add in the problems i had with the ex-girlfriend and it just added up even faster. My mind runs non-stop in an attempt to find a solution to a problem, if there is no immediate resolution or plan, my mind will run wide motherfucking open until it comes with a solution or....until i reboot. The reboot is usually in the form of an anxiety attack. It shuts me down for a couple few hours and then my body comes back up and everything is fine for a while until it hits again.

I have not been sleeping well, i have not been eating well, the stress is outright kicking my ass. I realize that everything will work out in the end but that answer is not acceptable to my brain and it just keeps fucking running and running and running.

I have been feeling the oncoming Anxiety Attack coming, i knew it was coming i just wasn't sure when it was going to hit..

with every intention of just having a relaxing day driving out to one of my Pittsburgh stores to close a service call.

I woke up at 8, woke up my daughter because i was out at the campground and i pay a sitter to watch her if i am going to be gone for extended periods of time.

At 9 a.m. i walked up to my sitter's door with my daughter.

I looked at my sitter and said "I am going to Pennsylvania, i may be later than normal" but instead i spewed out some incoherent babble that resembled a 10,000 year old dead language that has never been spoken. I heard the words in my head, but they wouldn't come out of my mouth, i tried saying the sentence a couple of times, but just babble came out.

I then proceeded to puke all over my sitter's front steps.

Then to add to it, i went ahead and made my eyes roll into the back of my head and i passed out.

The sitter freaked out, her Dad came out and evidently i was coherent enough to make it to his car and for some reason i agreed to going to the hospital.

When i came to i was in the Emergency Room at the local hospital.

My blood sugar was at 30, they had me on an IV and they had me on a heart monitor because when i actually got into the ER my pulse was racing.

So when i woke up at 10:30, i had lost an hour and a half and the doctor was trying to persuade me into staying at the hospital overnight for "observations".

Now i know what it was, so i self-discharged myself. They can't keep you unless you consent to it. An ER visit is $200 co-pay and i would assume "observations" would include tests which would rack up even more medical debt that i can't afford. My insurance has a $2,000 deductible.

I chose to leave. The ER doctor prescribed me horse tranquilizers told me to stay away from stressful situations and get plenty of bed rest.

They cut my shirt off when i was in the ER because i was basically comatose. So i ran home to get a new one.

In the time this happened my bosses had called me three times to ask me if i was going to that service call.

I figured i had the anxiety attack and it would be over for a little bit, things would reboot and i would be fine until i get laid off on Monday.

I got out of the hospital about 11 ish, ran home to get a new work polo and then decided that i should call the boss to let them know what happened.

I was still shakey, my brain still wasn't processing data like it should, i was having a bit of trouble with speech and motor skills.

I call the boss and the first question out of his mouth was:

"Are you going to go that service call or what? We're paying you to do a job"

I tried to start to tell him what was going on and i started the sentence out with:

"No....." and i really went to say the next part "....i will go tomorrow" but instead i just stuttered, my train of thought wasn't working thoroughly.

Without even missing a beat he started berating me. How he was being upfront with me about the layoffs, about what a shame it was that they were paying me to do a job and i wasn't going to follow through with it, how he was going to fight my unemployment claim and how he was going to not give me the severance package, how by choosing not to do my job i was resigning my position.

I manage to get "So that's how it's going to be, Scott, really?...." and started to say something else and he cut me off again with:

"You know what, you can just take a PTO (vacation day) for today and tomorrow if that's the way you're going to be"

So i just said "whatever, that's fine" because i was honestly feeling myself hitting that point again.

"Close the Service Call in Cleveland and fill out the PTO" was the last thing he said to me.....

....got out the truck, puked and then sat back in the truck with the air conditioning on full blast and i was still sweating up a storm.

I sat there for about 20 minutes to a half hour, feeling dizzy, disorientated and fighting off the second anxiety attack of the day.

I finally calmed down enough to make it to the store, i only had to install a wi-fi card in the shitty dell computers they use in the machine.

I made it to the store, took some deep breaths, got out of the truck, grabbed my tools and headed in.

The store associate i know looked at me and said "Holy shit you're pale, are you okay?" and i quipped back with "Yup" and went about my business.

I shut down the machine, walked to the bathroom and splashed my face with cold water trying to calm myslef down. I walked outside, had a cigarette and finally felt some-what confident enough to go finish the task at hand.

I fixed the machine, went back to the bathroom and splashed more cold water on my face, grabbed my tools and headed out to the truck.

I sat down in the truck and started thinking and that pretty much fired off another anxiety attack.

I lost time again, i think i passed out, but i am not sure, but when i realized where i was and what was happening and it was about an hour later than when i got in the truck.

I drove back to the camper and the sitter was kind enough to drop off my daughter for me.

She said she was sorry for everything that i had going on and that she hopes that she gets the chance to watch my daughter again.

I sent an e-mail to my boss telling him why things went the way they did today and kind of reaming him out for thinking the worst of me after two years of me never saying no to him.

I put the vacation request in for tomorrow and i am kind of relieved that the only stress induced thing i have to deal with now is the call Monday, officially laying me off.

I am sitting here, trying to relax. I bandaged my left hand so that even if i do rub it, i am only rubbing bandage. I am going to go take a long ass hot shower, take a horse tranquilizer and probably call it a day.