devildoll

I'm like a car wreck today. Completely a mess and all over the place. I'm knocking things over, spilling things, looking at people cross-eyed when they talk to me, then taking like 15 seconds for their words to register in my brain before I can get a response out. I'm fumbling over my words and basically being a totally akward lame-ass. My eyes burn, my head hurts, my shoulders are sore. Damn couch. It is always so comfy when I fall asleep on it...but when i wake up 5 hours later it's a different story. Last night I went and saw a gig...at some place...with some band. My friend had bought us tickets, and I had yet to really hear the band's music. I agreed...reluctantly. How could I say no after she bought my ticket? It was okay. Shots of brilliance followed by shots of disappointment when their guitar riffs began to sound like about 99 other bands I've heard before. Good singer though. Very Kobain-esque. The highlights were their covers...where they dished out versions of Deftones' "Change," Pantera's "Respect" and Alice in Chains' "Man in the Box." Those definitely got my applause. Aside from that I was kind of like a bratty kid the whole night. I felt like being jaded. Fuck it. Managed to get a sweet spot at the foot of the stage. This always happens when I'm out with Lisa. She has this unbelievable way of always getting what she wants. This girl has confidence of steel. She can walk up to any random person and bring them out of their shell immediately. Then 10 minutes later they are laughing away like old friends. I want that to rub off on me! It's a great gift to have. She managed to have earplugs delivered to me by a nice stagehand. I think it's cuz the bouncer had a crush on me. He told me I was gorgeous. Does that qualify? That was the first time I've ever given my ears a second thought. We were right next to the speakers and for the first time it dawned on me that hey, I really idol my hearing and I don't want to lose it any sooner than I have to. Can you imagine a life without sound? No hearing a great song for the first time. And then again again and again. No sound of raindrops. No sexy, gravely voices. No laughter to enjoy. It makes me sad to think of it. Then again, if you never had the ability to hear in the first place, you wouldn't miss those things. Right? I don't know about that. I'm not so sure.

Anyway.

I'm tired. I need a nap. Can't wait to leave work and find sanctuary in my warm room, and become reacquainted with my bed that I've missed. I'll get fully undressed, draw the shades, get in bed and go into a nice coma......for about an hour or so. Before I have to wake up, and then contemplate whether to go to a friend's party or not. I don't know if I'm up to it. I'm still in antisocial mode. I barely speak at work lately. A whole day...barely a word to anyone. I avoid gazes from others that might result in them initiating a conversation. Instead I stare at the floor, or a wall, my computer, whatever...pretending not to notice that they're standing there. Plus, I had a little too much to drink last night.... Do I really want to do it all over again? I can say that I'm not going to....but I always do. I hate how it controls me rather than I control it. ::sigh:: It's her birthday......I shouldn't miss it.

I'll sleep on it.
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Let's hear it for JenniRae's new set. GORGEOUS!



JenniRae once mentioned that she takes a bath every day...regardless of whether she has already showered that day. ::sigh:: I dream of a life so in order that I can take the time to have a nice warm, relaxing bath everyday. Someday....

P.S. I really wish I could've been a writer. I've always loved to write. But something very discouraging happened to me when I was a young girl and that was a huge disappointment. I'm just realizing it now. Wow, that's bizarre....I guess I never recovered. Maybe I'll write about it some time..