Bonjour Fuckers,
In todays motherfucking rant....
Mindless office banter. In my day job I'm a mild mannered and motherfucking humourous "print specialist'. I'm not going into what this fucking job description means as it takes away from my office banter rant. Now I haven't done the maths peoples but I feel totally comfortable saying that 80% of office verbal communication is BS, bunk, crap, twaddle, drivel and sadly, the irritating sound made by people which interferes with the silence I otherwise enjoy.Most of can be catergorised:
The stating the obvious: I'm at my desk eating a sandwich, cruising facebook, amazon etc and a colleague walks past and says "Hey sambo for lunch hey? Yep chowng down on the big old sambo, classic, looks delicious"...Yes I am eating a sandwich well spotted Sherlock and yes I've made sure the contents are delicous and edible. Your powers of deduction are keen indeed, ever thought about about becoming a detective and getting the fuck out of my face with your pointless comments?
Corridor banter, I'm walking down the corridor, a colleague walks past and says, "Hey Deucey, Deucemiester, Deucoreenoo!" Do I really have to answer this with the accepted "Craig, Craigie, Craigooohs!' No I'm passing you in hall, we both know each other nodding works for me.
Meeting banter, I wish I had a taser at meetings. There's always one or two knob jockeys who just bang on about shit heedless of the lack of interest and eyes glazing over yawning going on. This is usually accompanied by a shit load of industry specific acronyms. "We've seen a 45% increase in the rise POS units for the medical FMCG market, and AVS across the board has driven sales a further 20%, oh yes Gary you have a question?" "yes Daniel, I'd like to mention the 10% increase in re-orders this quarter, all our FB's have met our KPI's, an oustanding result from an unsolicited market source, how does this effect our overall bottom line for this quarter?"...'Yes I'm looking at the same page on the power point presentation & I've read it 78 times while you're pointlessly elaborating. Time to use my taser...
Phone Banter, "Hi Denise, how are you? How's your day?... Haha Yes, it's raining alright, terrible thing precipitation, apart from it's beneficial effect on the ecosystem in general... Yes, great weather for ducks as I'm led to believe from people who are neither duck experts or fluent in their language... Yes Christmas is almost upon us, most insightful of you to correctly gauge the passage of the earth around the sun and it's cultural significance... Yes I'm calling about..."
General office banter, "Oh Katie vavoom! Great doo, is that a new Prada bag? OMG are those Jimmy Choos? My sister bought a great Louis Vitton bag the other day, 25% off! Cuuutttteeee! Look at the picture of this gorgeous puppy Gen from accounts sent me OMG soooh cuuuuteee! Who printed off the add on laser hair removal? OMG I'm having cake I'm sooh naughty! Hey Jimbo Tess is wearing a low cut top, greaaat tities! Yeah my doc says If I don't pick at it they won't have to operate. Yo Marky, Mark-o, Markie Sharks, did you get that email? Yeah, boobies mate, boobies!!!!
Tasers all round.
In todays motherfucking rant....
Mindless office banter. In my day job I'm a mild mannered and motherfucking humourous "print specialist'. I'm not going into what this fucking job description means as it takes away from my office banter rant. Now I haven't done the maths peoples but I feel totally comfortable saying that 80% of office verbal communication is BS, bunk, crap, twaddle, drivel and sadly, the irritating sound made by people which interferes with the silence I otherwise enjoy.Most of can be catergorised:
The stating the obvious: I'm at my desk eating a sandwich, cruising facebook, amazon etc and a colleague walks past and says "Hey sambo for lunch hey? Yep chowng down on the big old sambo, classic, looks delicious"...Yes I am eating a sandwich well spotted Sherlock and yes I've made sure the contents are delicous and edible. Your powers of deduction are keen indeed, ever thought about about becoming a detective and getting the fuck out of my face with your pointless comments?
Corridor banter, I'm walking down the corridor, a colleague walks past and says, "Hey Deucey, Deucemiester, Deucoreenoo!" Do I really have to answer this with the accepted "Craig, Craigie, Craigooohs!' No I'm passing you in hall, we both know each other nodding works for me.
Meeting banter, I wish I had a taser at meetings. There's always one or two knob jockeys who just bang on about shit heedless of the lack of interest and eyes glazing over yawning going on. This is usually accompanied by a shit load of industry specific acronyms. "We've seen a 45% increase in the rise POS units for the medical FMCG market, and AVS across the board has driven sales a further 20%, oh yes Gary you have a question?" "yes Daniel, I'd like to mention the 10% increase in re-orders this quarter, all our FB's have met our KPI's, an oustanding result from an unsolicited market source, how does this effect our overall bottom line for this quarter?"...'Yes I'm looking at the same page on the power point presentation & I've read it 78 times while you're pointlessly elaborating. Time to use my taser...
Phone Banter, "Hi Denise, how are you? How's your day?... Haha Yes, it's raining alright, terrible thing precipitation, apart from it's beneficial effect on the ecosystem in general... Yes, great weather for ducks as I'm led to believe from people who are neither duck experts or fluent in their language... Yes Christmas is almost upon us, most insightful of you to correctly gauge the passage of the earth around the sun and it's cultural significance... Yes I'm calling about..."
General office banter, "Oh Katie vavoom! Great doo, is that a new Prada bag? OMG are those Jimmy Choos? My sister bought a great Louis Vitton bag the other day, 25% off! Cuuutttteeee! Look at the picture of this gorgeous puppy Gen from accounts sent me OMG soooh cuuuuteee! Who printed off the add on laser hair removal? OMG I'm having cake I'm sooh naughty! Hey Jimbo Tess is wearing a low cut top, greaaat tities! Yeah my doc says If I don't pick at it they won't have to operate. Yo Marky, Mark-o, Markie Sharks, did you get that email? Yeah, boobies mate, boobies!!!!
Tasers all round.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
mythuselah:
Sitting nicely in the corner of my desk is my Nerf Maverick. Haven't aimed for the office folks -yet, but should you decide, may I suggest to have a means to get the darts that don't detach from the ceiling.
wolfwood1203:
Sweet insanity... always a good option.