WARNING: This journal is very long, and mostly my musings about my recent break-up
Thank you everyone who took the time to comment in my journal about my situation. I really really appreciate all the comments.
This has been so hard for me. The ex and I talked on Saturday. That wasn't much fun.... he said outright: "I've fallen out of love with you". Has anyone here ever felt their heart break? Cuz I sure did. And I know that sounds cheezy, and clich... but if that wasn't my heart breaking, then I think I had a minor heart attack or something.
Sooooo..... it's over. For sure. He kept saying to me "Well you don't know what's going to happen in the future" .... but I do know. He and said girl will date, he and said girl will break up, he may call me... and by that time we will be two different people. And there will be no future for us. And if we haven't changed, he's moving to Saskatoon in August, so there is no hope for us anywayes. I wanna hold on to the hope that MAYBE, just maybe we'll end up together... but if I think about it realistically, I know it can't happen.
I think the part that bugs me the most is that he promised me that he would wait for as long as I needed... but at the first chance he gets, he gets involved with some other girl. He basically gave up on me, he replaced me with someone else. So quickly too. It happened within two weeks! And I know that I kinda did the same thing... but the guy I was sorta interested in wasn't someone that I had feelings for before Christian and I started dating. And I realized after a week that he was nothing compared to Christian.
We had broken up once before (for 3 days) in November, and he said that that prepared him for this break up. Basically what he was telling me was that for the last three months of our relationship, he was mentally preparing himself to fall out of love with me. And he kept bringing that up, that I was the one who broke up with him, and he had a feeling that it would happen since November. Which really makes me feel horrible. I made a mistake, I'm sorry, what more does he want. I couldn't help that I was afraid of being so in love with him that I pushed him away. I'm sorry that I had been hurt a dozen times before, and I was only trying to protect myself.... And now it feels like he's punishing me for it.
Its so hard to close this chapter of my life. And I know we only dated for a year... but ALL of my memories seem to include him, its gotten to the point where I don't even want to leave my house cuz I'll see something that reminds me of him. I have a year of amazing memories, that just drag me down. Sometimes I wish I could pull an Eternal Sunshine... but I know I would end up missing the memories too much. But right now it just seems like a good idea.
With Christian and his lady.... they knew each other before he and I started dating, and he liked her then, but somehow "fucked things up with her". Then after we broke up, he ran into her, and they started hanging out, and the feelings he said have come back. He "has to do this for [him]self, to find out what [he] and [she] could have had" (I love how I quote like an English major.)
So I guess I can respect that. But the only thing is, once he's found out what he and she could have had, I probably won't be around anymore.
His birthday is on the 14th. I wanna send him a birthday card, but we decided it would probably be for the best if we don't talk for a while. In his words, we're not saying good bye, only so long. I was the one who said I didn't want to talk to him. It hurts too much to think that he's with someone else, so I need to be away from him. But I want to send him a birthday card. I dunno if I should do it or not. And what really kills me, is that last year this time... was the first time we said "I love you" .... and I was able to spend his birthday with him, and this year, he'll be with her. But he and his friends will pbly go to the bar... and she's only 17... HAHAHAHAHA..... wow, it's sad that something that stupid would make me feel better....
I guess though, everything happens for a reason. So we'll see what happens. I don't even know if he came back to me, if I would want to get back together. I still want to be with him, but he GAVE UP ON ME. And I dunno if I could be with him b/c of that. He promised me he would wait, for as long as it took, and he didn't. I guess I shouldn't have expected him to wait forever.... but it wasn't even forever, it was THREE WEEKS. Is that too long to ask?
You know, I thought I knew heartache before this... but that was nothing. This is a pain that leaves me numb and broken. I'm so calloused, I've forgotten how to smile.
----
when you become a stranger again
how closed your eyes will be
narrowing me to three short feet
across a room of drunken revelry
you're having the time of my life
and i love you much too late
there are things i'd to like
so many things i'd like to change
when you say my name to me
like some amusing piece of food between your teeth
then i will know that its completely over
wont you say my name to me
you're having the time of my life
and i think you got it right
its an envy making green
says your eyes only see me
if i had another last chance
and we met again for the first time
i would listen to your heart
i would start back at the start
there are things id like to say
so many things id like to change
--Jets to Brazil ~~ You're having the time of my life
----Sorry to everyone who read that... I just needed somewhere to vent my thoughts.
Thank you everyone who took the time to comment in my journal about my situation. I really really appreciate all the comments.
This has been so hard for me. The ex and I talked on Saturday. That wasn't much fun.... he said outright: "I've fallen out of love with you". Has anyone here ever felt their heart break? Cuz I sure did. And I know that sounds cheezy, and clich... but if that wasn't my heart breaking, then I think I had a minor heart attack or something.
Sooooo..... it's over. For sure. He kept saying to me "Well you don't know what's going to happen in the future" .... but I do know. He and said girl will date, he and said girl will break up, he may call me... and by that time we will be two different people. And there will be no future for us. And if we haven't changed, he's moving to Saskatoon in August, so there is no hope for us anywayes. I wanna hold on to the hope that MAYBE, just maybe we'll end up together... but if I think about it realistically, I know it can't happen.
I think the part that bugs me the most is that he promised me that he would wait for as long as I needed... but at the first chance he gets, he gets involved with some other girl. He basically gave up on me, he replaced me with someone else. So quickly too. It happened within two weeks! And I know that I kinda did the same thing... but the guy I was sorta interested in wasn't someone that I had feelings for before Christian and I started dating. And I realized after a week that he was nothing compared to Christian.
We had broken up once before (for 3 days) in November, and he said that that prepared him for this break up. Basically what he was telling me was that for the last three months of our relationship, he was mentally preparing himself to fall out of love with me. And he kept bringing that up, that I was the one who broke up with him, and he had a feeling that it would happen since November. Which really makes me feel horrible. I made a mistake, I'm sorry, what more does he want. I couldn't help that I was afraid of being so in love with him that I pushed him away. I'm sorry that I had been hurt a dozen times before, and I was only trying to protect myself.... And now it feels like he's punishing me for it.
Its so hard to close this chapter of my life. And I know we only dated for a year... but ALL of my memories seem to include him, its gotten to the point where I don't even want to leave my house cuz I'll see something that reminds me of him. I have a year of amazing memories, that just drag me down. Sometimes I wish I could pull an Eternal Sunshine... but I know I would end up missing the memories too much. But right now it just seems like a good idea.
With Christian and his lady.... they knew each other before he and I started dating, and he liked her then, but somehow "fucked things up with her". Then after we broke up, he ran into her, and they started hanging out, and the feelings he said have come back. He "has to do this for [him]self, to find out what [he] and [she] could have had" (I love how I quote like an English major.)
So I guess I can respect that. But the only thing is, once he's found out what he and she could have had, I probably won't be around anymore.
His birthday is on the 14th. I wanna send him a birthday card, but we decided it would probably be for the best if we don't talk for a while. In his words, we're not saying good bye, only so long. I was the one who said I didn't want to talk to him. It hurts too much to think that he's with someone else, so I need to be away from him. But I want to send him a birthday card. I dunno if I should do it or not. And what really kills me, is that last year this time... was the first time we said "I love you" .... and I was able to spend his birthday with him, and this year, he'll be with her. But he and his friends will pbly go to the bar... and she's only 17... HAHAHAHAHA..... wow, it's sad that something that stupid would make me feel better....
I guess though, everything happens for a reason. So we'll see what happens. I don't even know if he came back to me, if I would want to get back together. I still want to be with him, but he GAVE UP ON ME. And I dunno if I could be with him b/c of that. He promised me he would wait, for as long as it took, and he didn't. I guess I shouldn't have expected him to wait forever.... but it wasn't even forever, it was THREE WEEKS. Is that too long to ask?
You know, I thought I knew heartache before this... but that was nothing. This is a pain that leaves me numb and broken. I'm so calloused, I've forgotten how to smile.
----
when you become a stranger again
how closed your eyes will be
narrowing me to three short feet
across a room of drunken revelry
you're having the time of my life
and i love you much too late
there are things i'd to like
so many things i'd like to change
when you say my name to me
like some amusing piece of food between your teeth
then i will know that its completely over
wont you say my name to me
you're having the time of my life
and i think you got it right
its an envy making green
says your eyes only see me
if i had another last chance
and we met again for the first time
i would listen to your heart
i would start back at the start
there are things id like to say
so many things id like to change
--Jets to Brazil ~~ You're having the time of my life
----Sorry to everyone who read that... I just needed somewhere to vent my thoughts.
VIEW 25 of 32 COMMENTS
you could very well win this shit girlll.