In 23 minutes, I am going to miss my job interview.
For the past 2-3 weeks, I haven't had a panic attack. Wayne and I drove to Maryland and back to VA a bunch of times. I even saw the Chronicles of Narnia, twice. I didn't have a panic attack. I left the apartment this morning at 9:15 for my 10:30 interview with an ad agency. I had just pulled into the parking garage at Ballston station when it hit me. The dizziness, shortness of breath, my hands clenched together, my chest got tight, everything came crashing down. I forced myself to get out of the car, grab my portfolio case and start walking for the station. The closer I got to the station, the worse the tunnel vision got and it became harder to breathe.
I ended up calling the woman I was supposed to interview with and made up some bullshit story about car problems. I was too embarrassed to tell her I have a panic disorder. That to me, doesn't sound good to a potential employer. I want this job. It's part time, Tuesday to Thursday from 9-5:30. And the best part is, its an ad agency!!
I've never been more angry with myself in my life. My mind is not something I want to lose and that's how I feel. What am I supposed to do when I feel like I can't control what my own body does? Every time one of these attacks hit, I feel like very slowly I'm going crazy. I feel like pieces of me are dying and more of who I am is fading.
I don't want to tell Wayne I had an attack. I don't want to hear its mind over matter. If it was, this wouldn't be happening. I just want to curl up in my bed and never wake up.
For the past 2-3 weeks, I haven't had a panic attack. Wayne and I drove to Maryland and back to VA a bunch of times. I even saw the Chronicles of Narnia, twice. I didn't have a panic attack. I left the apartment this morning at 9:15 for my 10:30 interview with an ad agency. I had just pulled into the parking garage at Ballston station when it hit me. The dizziness, shortness of breath, my hands clenched together, my chest got tight, everything came crashing down. I forced myself to get out of the car, grab my portfolio case and start walking for the station. The closer I got to the station, the worse the tunnel vision got and it became harder to breathe.
I ended up calling the woman I was supposed to interview with and made up some bullshit story about car problems. I was too embarrassed to tell her I have a panic disorder. That to me, doesn't sound good to a potential employer. I want this job. It's part time, Tuesday to Thursday from 9-5:30. And the best part is, its an ad agency!!
I've never been more angry with myself in my life. My mind is not something I want to lose and that's how I feel. What am I supposed to do when I feel like I can't control what my own body does? Every time one of these attacks hit, I feel like very slowly I'm going crazy. I feel like pieces of me are dying and more of who I am is fading.
I don't want to tell Wayne I had an attack. I don't want to hear its mind over matter. If it was, this wouldn't be happening. I just want to curl up in my bed and never wake up.
Yes, I'm on waiting lists for psychologists and psychiatrists. But my family doctor just keeps pushing medications at me, most of which don't work.