desidia

On second thought comment, having someone so demanding and deserving I'd have no time to be worshipped or even regard my desire for affection... that would be equally fine. And I cannot stress equally enough. Either or, both would weigh the same to me.

I had someone like that once. Made me feel content in my person. I can't yet see what I could have done to have kept it from turning to past tense... I continue to improve myself in meaningless directions, most likely going towards this person while pretending it is my own path.

I can rationalize it a thousand ways, past and present. But I'm still alone. Even with an unreal Dutch beauty, model of even higher degree than ever, I still wish differently for the past.

Playfully trying to imagine what accent the true elitist's have in Amsterdam, I can barely bide my time.


And then scrunched in the emo corner (as everything prior is a slowly-calculated equation of my own emotions including the chemical and environmental conditions): Fuck it. I can never pour my heart out.

I am firstborne,firstlove. I am unrequited. I am Irish and I am five-times scorpio.

I am made of lies and secrets, I pretend to wear masks out truths, I Hate and I Love both Everything and Nothing. And then theres still room for Her and the Opposite-of-Her and then a little room for- Strike that. I was convinving myself with the delusions I label as such even if they are truth.

I can't believe I wasn't born with Scorpio burned in my side. And I'm surprised no one has yet burned it in me. I am not surprised I still keep putting off doing it myself.