Ha. All I can do is laugh. Mainly because theres nothing left to drink.
Merely last night's entry is behind the spoiler.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)I've never been so comfortable being so miserable but I still feel even more lost than I already am.
Old existentialist habits. Scorpio habits. I help define myself by who I want and whom they want me to be. Right now I haven't felt so unwanted since puberty.
Not that I feel literally unwanted but I haven't been responsible for so little desire in literally years. perhaps a decade. not that I'm suprised. this is what happens when you give everything else up for a single person. actually MORE than give youself to one girl but to tell all the others to fuck off as well.
So I'm still sexually frustrated. its been more than a month and its my own choice but it still wreaks its havoc. The hormonal desire is so strong but the thought of getting anywhere near close to someone makes me feel ill.
I don't know...
It'd just feel good to be wanted and needed again.
It'd feel even better for just someone to use, abuse and demean me. Just for a while.
Too bad professional sub. isn't really a job option. Paid humiliation would really give me the focus to move forward with life.
Nevermind. thats just a dream for the present. If we're wishful thinking I should just ask for a tattoo artist fond enough of me to offer a paid if not free apprenticeship...
Enough. No matter how much honesty nor how much eloquence or desire, all of this will get me no closer to anything. anything but madness.
Sleeping. Alone. Again.
It smells like Chinese food. It still reminds me of her.
You can stop ignoring me now. Its okay. Except you. No one cares about you. Well not that you should ignore me. Its just that no one cares what you choose to do. Mmmkay?
