desided

New post new day hurray!

edit- I just bought 5 tickets to download festival.

I lost this week due to overtime and Fallout 3. Hence I'm tired and dead looking. In fact i grossed myself out this morning.

Work were arseholes about a funeral I had to attend a while back and took my leave instead of special paid leave. consequently I couldn't run off on a bout of randomness and go see miro. I am totally gutted about that.

I was so engrossed in my work that this entire week lost its temporal balance. I was convinced it was lunchtime when it was home time. I missed breaks did hours of overtime all because of that darn relativity. Then again its not like i didn't enjoy the work. The only thing is that were phasing out this 50 year old helicopter that i have come to get quite attached to .

I missed my dads birthday yesterday because i haven't a memory for those sort of things and we're quite distant. I have a dad and step dad that get along which is awesome. Except that neither of them are like me, I grew into their ideal. straight, well-mannered and dependable not rebellious so we don't talk unless its worthwhile. I feel closer to... well women, but not. Its confusing I don't know if from all the time i have spent alone that now when the occasions arise that I am biased to being selfish. I find relationships highly complicated and incredibly hard to keep up with. its always a conscious struggle. Nothing is done without thought. It doesn't come naturally and im a bit of a social retard.

I'm sorry i haven't been my usual online active self but my mum and dad are addicted to this game of theirs. Its cute i don't think its detrimental. In fact they both have something in common and i think its fortifying their relationship even more. But Ive missed out on internet'in and Fallout 3 sucked me in. I know true geek I should go out, interact spend my money on alcohol and watch the world spin past in a merry-hungover blitz or get active and do some climbing or boarding but I have obliterated myself. Activity is a little out of the question and unless I'm loving every minute of the activity I'm doing the reality of being there on my own is an ass.

Rescheduled my session with dr evil. Consciously im OK right now neither up nor down in fact I have found myself completely numb and thoughtless on a few occasions like a meditation. Unconsciously I think I'm getting worse. I pick up on minor things like a license plate with RCH or a trip to Amsterdam on offer. Everything that has the slightest inclination to a memory or a fantasy that i have created about the Thousands of things my ex could be doing. I'm not willingly torturing myself its all a bit deeper or I have scabbed over so much its hard to tell. although it seems and feels like I'm fine, that old wound stabs just to let me know its still there and that I have to change or I will always lose people I become fond of. To an extent its true I have that fear everyday it feels like I'm fighting to just keep peoples views of me the way i hope them to be.

I pop the tv on from time to time to get that synthetic emotional buzz. Letting myself float away with a story line keeping myself safe in a series that i know will leave me feeling thoughtful or happy.

Oh and a last thing. I'm thinking I need a weekend away im getting sick and tired of that background buzz that high pitched noise you get when you turn a tv on. Scotland had such sirene and complete silence so perfect you felt rude for breaking it.

Well im going to do something in some way today even if its popping to the coffee shop to read or watch a movie. I have to fill my time with something more fulfilling than this. Although i will spend the next hour commenting posting oogling and being slightly jealous at the photographers.

i would apologise for the lengh of this but i suppose im using this more of a splurge .