Theres been a couple of time I've started to write a new entry but, it always fizzled out...ended up feeling like shit.
click click click delete
I've made such attempts to straighten things that are negative in my life into something maybe a little positive but it's become more and more difficult to accomplish that.
I left my job that was going pretty well last week and now I have no source of income & that is no good. No good at all...it was fun & easy barista/cafe work but the pay and long drive just didn't add up for me so I woke up one morning & decided to dedicate the day to getting something better........And, well....because society & our economy are in such an uproar nowadays it's almost impossible to get something better than a little above minimum wage. enough bitching about money though cos, everyone has money problems. Most people just end up having to deal with the day to day or mnth to mnth in my case struggles of it all.
The new apartment is definitly something that has taken time to get used to. It's so far away from familiarity but then again...so close to everything that's going on. I'm about 15 minutes from everything. Dc, Baltimore, College Park & Laurel.....so it's not that bad. It's just accomidating to the must be ultra safe living patterns of apartment complexes has been very odd. I like my room though, it's funny, you'd think one would try & start new...make things look different but, it resembles my old room quite a bit. A little more sleak...definitly more clean (I have a closet and bay windows and everything!) I never got to paint it....but that's such an insignifigance to making it look neat & also would be a loss out of some money once I do leave this place.
The past couple of mnths maybe has just been a true strugle to survive....Trying to pull myself out of this mental physical self destructive downward spiral. Basically....shit has really really really sucked.
I really am trying, so hard. There is no turning back from here but, there is always a future (even if it doesn't look so bright!)
click click click delete
I've made such attempts to straighten things that are negative in my life into something maybe a little positive but it's become more and more difficult to accomplish that.
I left my job that was going pretty well last week and now I have no source of income & that is no good. No good at all...it was fun & easy barista/cafe work but the pay and long drive just didn't add up for me so I woke up one morning & decided to dedicate the day to getting something better........And, well....because society & our economy are in such an uproar nowadays it's almost impossible to get something better than a little above minimum wage. enough bitching about money though cos, everyone has money problems. Most people just end up having to deal with the day to day or mnth to mnth in my case struggles of it all.
The new apartment is definitly something that has taken time to get used to. It's so far away from familiarity but then again...so close to everything that's going on. I'm about 15 minutes from everything. Dc, Baltimore, College Park & Laurel.....so it's not that bad. It's just accomidating to the must be ultra safe living patterns of apartment complexes has been very odd. I like my room though, it's funny, you'd think one would try & start new...make things look different but, it resembles my old room quite a bit. A little more sleak...definitly more clean (I have a closet and bay windows and everything!) I never got to paint it....but that's such an insignifigance to making it look neat & also would be a loss out of some money once I do leave this place.
The past couple of mnths maybe has just been a true strugle to survive....Trying to pull myself out of this mental physical self destructive downward spiral. Basically....shit has really really really sucked.
I really am trying, so hard. There is no turning back from here but, there is always a future (even if it doesn't look so bright!)
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
with all the hateful words..actions..lies...shit...all the hell that you desperately tried to put me through...the 4 page hate mail ...the ripping open of wounds you had no right to fucking touch on me.. the honesty and trust..the love you twisted into abosolute hate and resentment..you royally fucked me...(and i can say that without hestation)...and you wanted to watch while i burned in the fire you created for me...
but you knew..you knew i would rise out of it..i dont know how you couldnt know because you know the deepest parts of me..everything ive been through that you PROMISED you would never do to me..but you lied...and I DID MAKE IT THROUGH....
but your confusion and your words of sorrow i can relate to...but you know you created it for yourself...and im sorry for the pain you endure...but i told you ..(not tauntingly but warningly) "what goes around comes around" ....and ryan...i want to feel for you and i dont think i can help but care...because i DID care...more than youll ever know...but you fucked me so bad...and i can remember clearly the last words that i spoke to your face as i was leaving kevins house was "I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU AND I HOPE I SEE YOU REALLY SOON".......i thought you were my best friend and that youd be there forever...but i was wrong and you tried to turn an already difficult situation for me going to college..into one that would be unbearable...all the lies...all behind my back...all because of what??what did you get out of making me cry and hurt???what was so great that you had to throw away the best friend you ever fucking had???..and thats what you did...and as much as i want to be there for you...i will never forget the apathy in your words of hate towards me and to everyone i cared about when all i wanted was to know that you cared...and ryan what you did to tiffany..well i have absolutely no sympathy for you.....not in the slightest...yea..we all fuck up...but damn....you know better...and i dont even know what to say about that....
i wont say that i dont miss you because i do...but i know that i miss and care about the person you WERE...and i will always love that person...but not the person you turned into...and YOU burnt those bridges...i wish things did not happen the way they did also....i never wanted anything you threw my way after i left for college..but shit...i dont know ..what the fuck happened to you ryan?????