This may be the saddest post I have on hear, as it summarizes the depressing events of the past few days.
It started Tuesday, excatly 12am. I woke up with stomach pains and a headache, general feelings of misfortune. This kept me up for most of the night, my sheets soaked with sweat and my head throbbing as I twisted in agony. Finally I catheterized myself at around 4am and the sickness generally died away. I then woke up with a throbbing headache around 6:30am when it was time for me to get up. I had a headache for most of the morning and then made my way to Outpatient Rehab. The day was alright at therapy, but I realized that day that out of the two dozen or so people that come to the outpatient center regularly, I was about the only one who couldn't walk in some form or another. Sure, there were people in wheelchairs like me, but just about all of them were doing therapy where they were walking with the hand bars or doing treadmills before getting back in their wheelchairs. There's nothing like being at a physical rehab center and being in near the worst condition out of everyone to make you really depressed. Well then my driver came to take me home and he just totally fucked with my directions and took us way off course, and it took 2 hours to get home when it should have taken 1 hour. The rest of the night went pretty shitty, generally talking to people online and being depressed about how my life will probably never be the same because I can't walk, and how everything was looking up for me right before the accident.
Wednesday went by alright, I didn't go to rehab because it snowed (not all that much) and I didn't feel like dealing with the idiot driver again. That afternoon I found out that Sabbaba's, the resteraunt that I was going to go to for the SG Philly Party Saturday night was not handicapped accesable, so the chances of me going were less. If I did go, I'd have to sit outside in the cold while everyone ate and hope the coffee shop we were going to afterwards was accesable. That night I went to my dad's house to stay until Friday for Thanksgiving. I wasn't really comfortable being their. My dad had to rent a hospital bed, which he put in his office for me to sleep in. Since he has a 2 story house, with basement, I was basically confined to the first floor, while all the entertaining things like video games, pool table, etc were in the basement or 2nd floor. All it takes it having to sleep on a rented hospital bed in a home office to make you feel like an animal. Wednesday night was okay, spending time with my dad, uncle and cousin on the back porch in front of the fire pit.
Thursday, Thanksgiving, was probably the worst day of all. Despite feeling sick most of that night, I basically spent the entire day alone in the office playing Gameboy. The only time I spent outside of the office, that I can remember, was when we were eating Dinner, and a few times when I ate in the kitchen. While everyone ate their snacks in the living room, I had to eat in the kitchen because their wasn't enough room for me to sit in there with my wheelchair and have space to put my food. That night I began to feel sicker and went to bed early while everyone else played games in the other room.
Friday wasn't much better. The whole ride home I was uncomfortable because of the semi-sore on my Ishium (upper back thigh). It was confirmed on the ride home that I would not be going to the SuicideGirls Philly party. This was upsetting, as I had been looking forward to it for about a month.
Saturday went by okay. That night I went to bed with a splitting headache
Sunday, today, I find the thread on SuicideGirls about the party last night. Seems everyone had fun and anyone who wasn't there sucks. I guess that means me. It seems there was lots of fun and girls and kissing and sexual hijinks going on, the exact type of stuff that I always miss out on, or am purposefully discluded from. Seems the only time I had a chance to get in one it, I can't go cause that place isn't...handicapped accesable.
Despite what a lot of people say, I dont quite see how I can regain myself from a life where I have to use an enema just to take a shit. To take a piss I have to stick a tube 11 inches into my dick, and empty my bladder through it. It takes an hour to get out of bed. Just going from my bedroom to the kitchen takes all the energy out of me.
...if this is life...I dont know if I wanna be a part of it.
It started Tuesday, excatly 12am. I woke up with stomach pains and a headache, general feelings of misfortune. This kept me up for most of the night, my sheets soaked with sweat and my head throbbing as I twisted in agony. Finally I catheterized myself at around 4am and the sickness generally died away. I then woke up with a throbbing headache around 6:30am when it was time for me to get up. I had a headache for most of the morning and then made my way to Outpatient Rehab. The day was alright at therapy, but I realized that day that out of the two dozen or so people that come to the outpatient center regularly, I was about the only one who couldn't walk in some form or another. Sure, there were people in wheelchairs like me, but just about all of them were doing therapy where they were walking with the hand bars or doing treadmills before getting back in their wheelchairs. There's nothing like being at a physical rehab center and being in near the worst condition out of everyone to make you really depressed. Well then my driver came to take me home and he just totally fucked with my directions and took us way off course, and it took 2 hours to get home when it should have taken 1 hour. The rest of the night went pretty shitty, generally talking to people online and being depressed about how my life will probably never be the same because I can't walk, and how everything was looking up for me right before the accident.
Wednesday went by alright, I didn't go to rehab because it snowed (not all that much) and I didn't feel like dealing with the idiot driver again. That afternoon I found out that Sabbaba's, the resteraunt that I was going to go to for the SG Philly Party Saturday night was not handicapped accesable, so the chances of me going were less. If I did go, I'd have to sit outside in the cold while everyone ate and hope the coffee shop we were going to afterwards was accesable. That night I went to my dad's house to stay until Friday for Thanksgiving. I wasn't really comfortable being their. My dad had to rent a hospital bed, which he put in his office for me to sleep in. Since he has a 2 story house, with basement, I was basically confined to the first floor, while all the entertaining things like video games, pool table, etc were in the basement or 2nd floor. All it takes it having to sleep on a rented hospital bed in a home office to make you feel like an animal. Wednesday night was okay, spending time with my dad, uncle and cousin on the back porch in front of the fire pit.
Thursday, Thanksgiving, was probably the worst day of all. Despite feeling sick most of that night, I basically spent the entire day alone in the office playing Gameboy. The only time I spent outside of the office, that I can remember, was when we were eating Dinner, and a few times when I ate in the kitchen. While everyone ate their snacks in the living room, I had to eat in the kitchen because their wasn't enough room for me to sit in there with my wheelchair and have space to put my food. That night I began to feel sicker and went to bed early while everyone else played games in the other room.
Friday wasn't much better. The whole ride home I was uncomfortable because of the semi-sore on my Ishium (upper back thigh). It was confirmed on the ride home that I would not be going to the SuicideGirls Philly party. This was upsetting, as I had been looking forward to it for about a month.
Saturday went by okay. That night I went to bed with a splitting headache
Sunday, today, I find the thread on SuicideGirls about the party last night. Seems everyone had fun and anyone who wasn't there sucks. I guess that means me. It seems there was lots of fun and girls and kissing and sexual hijinks going on, the exact type of stuff that I always miss out on, or am purposefully discluded from. Seems the only time I had a chance to get in one it, I can't go cause that place isn't...handicapped accesable.
Despite what a lot of people say, I dont quite see how I can regain myself from a life where I have to use an enema just to take a shit. To take a piss I have to stick a tube 11 inches into my dick, and empty my bladder through it. It takes an hour to get out of bed. Just going from my bedroom to the kitchen takes all the energy out of me.
...if this is life...I dont know if I wanna be a part of it.
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When I was recovering, I forced myself to stop thinking about whether or not I'd ever walk or run or fuck again. You can drive yourself nuts that way. I just knew I didn't want to go down without doing everything in my power to help my recovery. I also felt that if I managed to put my full effort into fighting, I'd have succeeded regardless of my actual outcome. When I was in the hospital bed, I'd just practice wiggling my foot or lifting it a couple of inches of the bed and I'd do it for hours. It hurt and it was difficult but I figured, it would either get better or I'd get used to it.
I don't want to come off like some sort unwanted inspirational hallmark card or something but for me, it really helped to just focus on the process of getting better. Breaking my spine was, bar none, the most intense experience of my life. Most people will never have an experience that intense. If you're able to face this thing and deal with it, regardless of the outcome, then you've got something that other people will never have. I know, it's not much of a trade, but at least it's something.
Anyway, you never asked for my advice... so feel free to tell me to shut up. Good luck.
PS You're probably on top of this already but... make sure your headaches and stuff aren't from Autonomic Dysreflexia. I'd imagine that the doctors already gave you the whole run down on that shit... if they didn't, you should look it up on the internet. That's bad shit... like it can kill you.