demonesskage

I had a painful talk with Ryan this morning. Painful but necessary. I feel like some progress has been made. We had been living together for about a month after we had broken up before he told me he wanted to move out. He told me he felt that he was torturing me by staying here. Yesterday was the worst torture of my life. I have never experienced such emotional pain in my life before. I knew he was extremely important to me, but I had never realized how import, or how much strength he gave me. I told him these things, and also revisited the worry that he had expressed that all the positive things I had begun doing for myself would stop if he left. And I said that yes, that the probably would. That I wouldn't have the ability to continue with them if I felt they had no purpose. Of course I know they have a purpose; I just wouldn't be able to emotional deal with that at this point. And then I asked the hardest question I have ever asked in my life; I know he needs time to figure a lot of things out. Basically it was this: I can function, I can continue to change, I want to give him all the time he needs, and I can wait for him to figure things out if only I know that he is considering us trying again. At this point he let me know he felt that I was backing him into a corner. Of course this was not my intention at all, and I told him this as well; I am not looking for you to answer me right now. In fact I understand that you cannot. I am only asking that you consider it. We both watched our parent's marriage turn bad. And I believe that our problems are not beyond the ability to work out. I was never asking for him to stay. I know he can't. But I can let go graceful, if I know he'll at least consider it.

And I think he is considering it, because he didn't say he wouldn't. It's not much, but it's more hope then I had yesterday. A tiny ray of hope is all I needed. Some tiny sign that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train. I love this man more then I ever thought I was capable of, and certainly more then I can possibly put into words. And now I shall sign off on that slightly positive note. Sometimes just a tiny bit of hope is all that is needed.