deminishlucidity

today.. my 1st fathers day.. it was cool.. because im happy to be a dad..
I got a card today from boogie and dove.. that was cool..

Working on Communication..
Almost went way over board..
But it went way better than it would have a couple of weeks ago..
and im "proud" of myself.

I need to make a decision..
do I care, should I care, care...
and why...

My reasoning has taken a turn for the better.. but maybe too extreme...
I need to find a balance in this...

Because when i say i dont care.. i really dont care..
when i want to say, i dont care, but just about the situation..

Im having a hard time figuring out why I should care... or care about the situation.

I know I should and alot of times I do..
but why... I just dont know..
and untill I get resolve... I dont want to be involved in a moment.. where I have to care or not.. understand.. tongue twisters...
But i know what i mean.. and thats important..
Im starting to use this as a medium for working things out in my head..
Not for your comments or input..
Seeing that none of you mean anything to me or I to you..

Sometimes things are soo beautiful its ugly at the same time.
and vice versa...
sometimes "i want" for the right reasons.. just sometimes.
but what are the right reasons..

I know right now.. i want my daughter to go to sleep.. lol..
seeing that its 9 oclock

GOD IS IN LOVE... IM NOT.

I had a decent week.. I actually went outside of my house.. and quit playing ps2.
I met few cool people ... alot a fake ones..
hooked my brother up with some girl..
they hit it off good i suppose..

I dont ever know whats talking to me..
my head or my heart..
i wish I could have a moment of complete silence.

I worried about T.
I want her to be okay.. at least okay..
I swear to god.. If theres anyone that needs a moment its her and my mom.
So much shit.. from one moment to the next. YOUR strength has to be waning by now.. How can we.... when we're both falling apart..."pieces of us on the floor in my hands in my pockets"
I miss you both.. I miss L and T.. soo much.. I miss what we could have been.
what we should be..
and thats all i thought about for the longest of these few months..
and now.. why do i miss it, should i miss it... and why..

eerrggghh..

I want to know exactly why I feel.. THIS way. .this moment.
So many racing thoughts .. I just want a moment of silence..
I stress my own damn self out.. with my thoughts..
hypnosis tuesday.. to see what Im repressing, what has me soo torn apart..
aside from the incessant ripping out of my heart.. which i tell myself i've dismissed.

I "hope" I didnt ruin her nite..

GOD ISNT IN LOVE... I AM.

NO GOD here..
pieces of it in my hands in my pockets.