sometimes the fact that i fancy myself an artist makes me rather disconnected with the realistic intricacies of this adult world i live in.
this morning i found out that while my current apartment has to be vacated as of tomorrow, my new apartment won't be ready until the 21st.
homelessness is fucking rad.
so, my ex offered to let pale_blue_eyes and i stay with him and store all of our things in his garage for the next week.
sticky, messy, yucky, uncomfortable to say the least.
the boy i loved for years, the boy that cries for me at night, all alone, and the boy that i am coming to love, the one that lays with me at night so i don't cry and i'm not alone. today, i watched them, together, packing up my things into a U-haul truck and working together.
not because they wanted to, but because they love me enough to swallow childish jealousy and selfishness to ensure my security and my happiness.
i felt guilt, love, appreciation and fear. but, more than anything else, the hard knot that i swallowed around, the lump in my throat, tasted like lies i know i haven't told. i know i couldn't possibly deserve this, couldn't possibly be worth all this. the way they look at me and see something beautiful makes me want to point out all my scars, remind them that my thighs are too big and my boobs too small. i wanted to jump up and knock the boxes from their arms and scream.
"remember how i fell and i failed? remember how i made you cry and i made you yell and remember all the times i hurt you? remember the ways i was silly and rude and disappointing?"
if ever in your life you have even one friend as good as these boys of mine - you are luckier than most.
i am lucky, undeserving, appreciative and scared. i love them both, more than i should. i'm holding my breath, waiting for the inevitable moment when one or both realizes that silly me is not worth the tears, the pain, the sacrifice.
i'm broken, bruised and so unbeautiful.
this has been another installment in the ongoing series of julie's adventures in revealing too much on a porn site and to strangers. tune in next week for more pointless, morose happenstance in this fucked little existence of mine.
in other news, i have made a new friend and she is lovely.
this morning i found out that while my current apartment has to be vacated as of tomorrow, my new apartment won't be ready until the 21st.
homelessness is fucking rad.
so, my ex offered to let pale_blue_eyes and i stay with him and store all of our things in his garage for the next week.
sticky, messy, yucky, uncomfortable to say the least.
the boy i loved for years, the boy that cries for me at night, all alone, and the boy that i am coming to love, the one that lays with me at night so i don't cry and i'm not alone. today, i watched them, together, packing up my things into a U-haul truck and working together.
not because they wanted to, but because they love me enough to swallow childish jealousy and selfishness to ensure my security and my happiness.
i felt guilt, love, appreciation and fear. but, more than anything else, the hard knot that i swallowed around, the lump in my throat, tasted like lies i know i haven't told. i know i couldn't possibly deserve this, couldn't possibly be worth all this. the way they look at me and see something beautiful makes me want to point out all my scars, remind them that my thighs are too big and my boobs too small. i wanted to jump up and knock the boxes from their arms and scream.
"remember how i fell and i failed? remember how i made you cry and i made you yell and remember all the times i hurt you? remember the ways i was silly and rude and disappointing?"
if ever in your life you have even one friend as good as these boys of mine - you are luckier than most.
i am lucky, undeserving, appreciative and scared. i love them both, more than i should. i'm holding my breath, waiting for the inevitable moment when one or both realizes that silly me is not worth the tears, the pain, the sacrifice.
i'm broken, bruised and so unbeautiful.
this has been another installment in the ongoing series of julie's adventures in revealing too much on a porn site and to strangers. tune in next week for more pointless, morose happenstance in this fucked little existence of mine.
in other news, i have made a new friend and she is lovely.
VIEW 25 of 59 COMMENTS
yeah its that first one huh..
*nother note to buy hose to clean up after slip and O's*